As a relationship expert who has studied relationship advice, communication patterns, toxic behavior, and more for years, I have seen many types of problematic behavior come and go.
However, there is one thing I continue to see cropping up in unhealthy relationships: gaslighting.
The most frustrating part about gaslighting is that people often endure it without even realizing it’s happening.
I have talked to so many people who found themselves constantly questioning their memory or feelings, not realizing that their significant other was playing mind games with them.
Many times, they would come to me upset because they thought they were being too sensitive, irrational, or just plain weak. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Their partner was manipulating them into doubting themselves.
If someone is gaslighting you, they are attempting to make you question your reality. When done for an extended period, gaslighting can make you feel confused, anxious, and even mentally dependent on that person.
12 Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships You Should Never Ignore
1. They Keep Denying Things They Said or Did
Do you ever accuse your partner of doing or saying something, but they instantly deny it ever happened? Even if you have proof they did say or do something, they will still claim your memory is faulty.
This is one of the biggest signs of gaslighting. Although they may deny it at first, what they are doing is manipulation. By saying they never said or did something, they are slowly making you question your memory.
Sure, everyone forgets things occasionally. But when this behavior happens repeatedly, it is a form of manipulation. They are making you doubt your memory on purpose.
Read also: 8 Clear Signs You Are Being Love Bombed in a Relationship
2. They Try to Make You Feel Like You’re Overreacting
Every time you turn around, your partner seems to have a new reason to make you feel like you are exaggerating. Whether you are hurt, upset, or trying to address a problem, they will say you are too sensitive, emotional, or dramatic.
Healthy partners will listen to how you feel, even if they don’t agree with your perspective. Emotional gaslighters will use your feelings as ammunition against you.
Before you know it, you stop speaking up because you don’t want to be called crazy over every little thing you say.
Read also: How to Stop Being a Gaslighter in Relationships (8 Steps)
3. They Twist Things to Make You Look Like the Problem
Can you ever bring something up to your partner that they did without walking away feeling like a jerk? Guilt tripping is another classic gaslighting tactic.
Instead of owning up to their mistakes, they will turn things around to make you the issue. Before you know it, whatever you originally brought up is no longer important. All that matters is that you’re a terrible partner.
If your partner constantly makes you feel guilty whenever you try to discuss a problem, they are guilty of gaslighting.
Read also: How to Turn the Tables on a Gaslighter (10 Tips)
4. They Continually Rewrite History
Do you ever notice how some people will describe a past situation completely differently than how it happened? They will look you straight in the eye and tell you something that you know to be false.
Even if there is proof the event happened another way, they will be convincing and believe that their twisted version is true. Many times, their confidence makes you question your memory.
Gaslighters love twisting the past because you know something happened, but they make you doubt your memory.
5. They Use Your Weaknesses Against You
In healthy relationships, sharing your vulnerabilities with your partner makes you closer. When someone gaslights you, they take your weaknesses and use them to control you.
Whether they bring up something you’re insecure about, afraid of, did in the past, or some other secret you told them, they use it against you. Not only does this make you feel powerless, but it also prevents you from ever being your true self around them.
6. They Rarely Take Responsibility for Their Actions
Yes, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. The problem is that truly healthy people will own up to their mistakes and learn from them.
If your partner gaslights you, they will never accept fault. They will make excuses, blame you, blame others, or flat out deny they did anything wrong in the first place.
No relationship can grow with a partner who refuses to take responsibility for their actions.
7. They Try to Make You Question Your Judgment
Ultimately, gaslighting is about causing you to lose trust in yourself. They will find ways to make you doubt your decisions, opinions, and even your perception of reality.
You might hear them say things like, “You always think you’re right,” or “You never really understand.” These types of statements make you question your own judgment.
Before you know it, you will need their approval before making decisions you used to make on your own.
8. They Downplay Your Concerns
It seems like every time you bring up something that you’re worried about or feel needs to be discussed, they make it seem trivial. You hear things like, “Don’t worry about it” or “It’s not a big deal.”
Sure, not everything you and your partner disagree on needs to be a serious discussion. But when someone constantly downplays your problems, it can make you feel like your feelings don’t matter.
Everyone’s feelings are valid, even if your partner doesn’t see it that way.
9. They Leave You in a Constant State of Confusion
Many victims of gaslighting report that their brain feels fried after being around their partner for too long. One minute they’ll tell you something is fine, and the next they’ll say the complete opposite.
Between questioning your memory and continually giving you mixed signals, you’re always left wondering what to believe.
Gaslighters don’t always consciously throw you off. Sometimes making you crazy is their goal.
10. They Attempt to Isolate You From the People You Trust
Gaslighters hate it when your friends and family see what they’re really like. That’s why they will do anything they can to turn you against your support system.
They may say horrible things about your friends, purposely annoy you when you’re around family, or try to convince you that no one else will understand you like they do.
The more you spend time with your abuser and less time with your friends and family, the more you will believe what they say.
11. You Find Yourself Apologizing All the Time
Another red flag is if you feel like you are constantly saying sorry. Do you apologize just to keep the peace? What about to avoid arguments or to get them to stop talking?
If you find yourself apologizing for everything, take a step back and think about why.
Something is wrong if you apologize constantly, even when you did nothing wrong.
Accidentally cutting your partner off in conversation is one thing. But making yourself feel guilty all the time is unhealthy.
12. You Don’t Trust Yourself Anymore
If you made it this far, you probably know someone who displays these toxic behaviors. But the worst part about gaslighting is when you start losing trust in yourself.
You find yourself questioning everything you think, feel, remember, and decide. Instead of listening to yourself, you become reliant on your partner to tell you what is true.
You know something isn’t right, but you can’t trust yourself to spot the problem.
Conclusion
Gaslighting isn’t just problematic behavior; it’s manipulation that can eat away at your confidence and distort your reality. If you picked up on a few of these signs in your relationship, it doesn’t mean your partner is trying to guilt you. However, if you see several of these signs frequently, something is definitely wrong.
Comments like “you’re too sensitive” or “get over it” aren’t tolerable in a healthy relationship. Relationships should be built on trust, honesty, accountability, and respect. You should never have to question your own sanity because of your partner’s reactions.
I want you to remember that by building your emotional intelligence, learning how to set healthy boundaries, and knowing the basics of recovering from emotional abuse, you can prevent yourself from falling into these unhealthy patterns.
FAQs
How do you know if someone is gaslighting you?
Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where one person manipulates another into questioning their own memory, perception, or sanity. If you think someone may be gaslighting you, look for patterns of behavior like the ones listed above.
Can gaslighting be intentional?
Yes, gaslighting can be intentional or unintentional. Whether someone is aware that they’re doing it or not, gaslighting can have serious effects on the person who is being manipulated.
Is gaslighting a form of emotional abuse?
Yes. Gaslighting is a classic emotional abuse tactic. In order to control their partners, abusers will use a variety of methods to make them feel crazy. Among many things, they will manipulate their partner’s reality.
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