There was a moment while talking to a friend when I realized he was a master at gaslighting people. He couldn’t understand why his relationships never worked because “everybody left me.” But when I listened to him describe arguments he’d had, it became clear that he didn’t see the problems. To him he was just “explaining himself better.”
Except what he perceived as explanation, other people felt like him twisting reality.
Don’t get me wrong–he wasn’t a bad guy. He didn’t set out to manipulate others and make them feel crazy. But he had behavior patterns where he would turn conversations around to make things “not what he said,” minimize how others felt, and leave them questioning their memory of events. Gaslighting can be insidious because the person doing it doesn’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
They think this is how conversations work.
The moment that changed everything for him? When I laid some of these patterns out for him. He got defensive at first. Then he seemed lost and confused. That’s when change started to happen. If you want to stop being a gaslighter, it begins with learning to spot these behaviors in yourself.
If someone tells you their version of events is changing because of what you say, that’s gaslighting. It’s not okay, and there are ways to change.
I put this together to help you catch yourself the next time you’re slipping into these patterns. I don’t want to label you as a manipulative person. I want to help you stop behaviors that are harming others…and could be harming you too.
How to Stop Being a Gaslighter in Relationships (8 Steps)
1. Become aware of your own gaslighting behavior.
The only way to change something is to become aware of it. And when I say aware, I don’t mean finding ways you’re right and the other person is wrong. I mean recognizing patterns.
Chances are, you’re not waking up and thinking, “today I’m going to manipulate my partner.”
You’re doing it to defend yourself. To feel powerful when you feel insecure. To get out of trouble. But these are patterns.
Denying you said something you did. Downplaying feelings. Making everything about you. Suddenly criticizing every part of their “memory of events.”
Most times, these things are subconscious because they happen in the heat of the moment. When you’re defending yourself. Awareness is the first step to creating new behavior.
The next time you find yourself caught up in an argument or emotionally charged conversation, check yourself:
Did I just gaslight someone?
As simple as that. If you don’t become aware of the problem, you’ll never know when you repeat it. Awareness is the beginning of becoming self-aware.
Read also: 10 Clear Narcissistic Gaslighting Behaviors Men Use to Control You
2. Identify the root cause of your gaslighting tendencies.
We are all humans with emotional triggers. And most manipulative behavior comes from one of three places:
You feel emotionally insecure.
You fear rejection.
You hate being wrong.
So when these situations are triggered in your life, your mind will do whatever it can to protect you from those emotions.
Sometimes childhood trauma can play a role where maybe you grew up in a home where you were punished for being wrong. So instead of accepting fault, you learned to twist it.
There are always underlying reasons for your behavior. And when you understand those, you’re better capable of recognizing them in the moment.
Instead of labeling yourself as a bad person, recognize that your ability to handle certain emotions could use some work.
This isn’t about making excuses. It’s about building emotional intelligence.
If you know why you do something, you can stop justifying it to yourself and others.
Read also: 9 Ways a Friend Gaslights You
3. Take responsibility for your behaviors and words.
This is where a lot of people get stuck. They don’t like feeling accountable for something that hurt someone else. So instead of taking responsibility, they make excuses.
I hurt someone’s feelings, but…
When really, there is no but. If someone expresses that something you said or did hurt them, don’t justify it. You allowed the hurt to happen.
Learning to be accountable for your actions is hard. Because it means swallowing your pride and letting someone else tell you how they feel. But you cannot grow if you live in a constant state of defensiveness.
You know what happens every time you argue with someone and you start throwing out reasons why you didn’t do something you did?
They dig their feet in even more and the fight escalates.
Let them feel how they feel.
“I understand that what I said hurt you.”
See how that feels? Instead of trying to convince them they’re wrong, you validated their feelings. Accountability doesn’t mean you accept blame when you didn’t do something. It means you own the consequences of your actions.
The difference between protective egos and healthy relationships is accountability.
Read also: 10 Ways of Managing Overwhelming Emotions
4. Notice when you get triggered emotionally.
Okay, so you’ve learned a few of your triggers. Maybe you know when conversations are going down a path that’ll lead you straight to gaslighting behavior.
Here’s the thing. You don’t twist on every conversation. It happens when you feel accused. When you feel ashamed. When you’re embarrassed they know something about you.
What I want you to start noticing is how you feel right when you know you need to respond.
Do you feel the need to immediately defend yourself? That’s a trigger.
Do you feel the urge to point out how they never did “the same thing”? Another trigger.
As soon as you start to catch these emotions rising, you can nip it in the bud.
You’re not going to change these emotions overnight. But you can learn to sit with them.
Part of building emotional control is not reacting every time you feel attacked or misunderstood.
Pause.
Breathe.
Notice what you’re feeling.
That’s where change occurs.
5. Learn how to better regulate your emotions.
Part of changing your behavior comes down to your ability to handle uncomfortable emotions. Most people who gaslight struggle with some form of emotional control.
Luckily, it’s a skill that can be learned with practice.
Let’s say someone just called you out on something you said and you feel the instinct to change the story. Instead of diving right in with explanations, take a breath.
Feel that wave of anger, guilt, or shame rise and just sit with it for a moment.
It’s uncomfortable as hell, but that’s why you react the way you do. Letting that feeling pass before you say something you’ll regret is key.
Not every situation needs an immediate response. When you feel your defenses rise, take a beat and understand why.
It’s called regaining control over your emotions. It won’t happen overnight, but with practice, you can learn to stop yelling, excuse-making, and justifying whenever someone challenges you.
Awareness is key.
6. Practice honest communication.
One of the best ways to avoid manipulating someone is to practice saying things how they are.
As humans, we naturally want to avoid conflict. So sometimes we say things in a way that allows us to “win” the argument or avoid guilt.
The truth is: you won’t win if you continue this pattern of behavior.
Instead of denying you said something, own it. And if you need to clarify what you meant, say that.
Nobody likes losing an argument, but if you truly care about the other person, relationships are about consistency and compromise. You can’t control the situation or conversation. Learn to be honest, even when it feels uncomfortable.
I know it seems like a small thing, but learning how to communicate honestly without deflecting will change your relationships.
Honest communication breeds trust. Trust allows you to stay grounded during arguments rather than attacking the other person.
7. Make amends when you slip up.
Remember how I said you won’t always get it right? Relationships are complicated and sometimes you will slip up and say or do something that hurts someone again.
That’s okay.
As long as you learn from your mistakes. One of the best things you can do is own up to your mistakes. If you accidentally asked someone if they were crazy because you lost your temper, apologize.
Say you’re sorry you worded something poorly and what you meant to say was…
If you have to make excuses to explain your behavior, at least own that you made someone feel badly.
I know it’s hard. But trust me, allowing yourself to be wrong or accept fault will feel better than trying to convince your partner you’re always right.
8. Empathize with the other person.
Gaslighting is about control. Controlling the narrative of a situation. Controlling how someone feels about something you said or did.
But at the end of the day, you can’t control anyone else’s feelings but your own.
Instead of trying to “win” every argument, learn to see where the other person is coming from.
Listen to them WITHOUT formulating what you’re going to say next.
Ask questions to better understand their point of view instead of explaining yourself clearer.
Practice empathy.
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes doesn’t mean you have to agree with how they feel. But understanding their emotional reaction to a situation is the first step to healthy communication.
When you fight, try your hardest to understand where your partner is coming from. If you both can understand each other’s emotions, you can learn how to fix the issue without attacking each other.
Nobody wants to feel unheard.
Empathy is about recognizing the other person feels just as strongly about something as you do.
Conclusion
Change will not happen overnight. There will be times where you feel you’ve mastered healthy communication, but then you slip up and say something petty or hurtful.
That’s okay. Using these tips is a process of unlearning unhealthy patterns and building new ones. You aren’t going to get it perfect every time.
The key is consistency. Learn to recognize when you are feeling defensive and choose honesty instead of manipulation.
Every choice you make to stay grounded during an argument or stressful situation will change your relationships for the better.
People will slowly start to trust you again because you chose to stay humble, accountable, and honest instead of trying to prove your ego right.
Final Thoughts
It’s not easy changing decades of behavior patterns. But it is possible. When you learn to stop reacting right away and throw excuses, you allow space for healthier communication to exist between you and your partner.
It will feel weird at first. Changing your behavior is uncomfortable because the ego wants to push back and convince you it knows best. But when you can silence that inner voice telling you to defend, argue, or yell…that’s when you know you’re changing for good.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to stop gaslighting someone?
It means to stop manipulating someone by denying your words/actions, making excuses, or shifting blame to avoid feeling hurt or responsible for a situation.
Can you really change your behavior if you’ve been gaslighting people for years?
Yes. Behavior is not set in stone. We learn these bad habits over years, but we can also unlearn them with patience and practice.
Is gaslighting always intentional?
No! Many people who gaslight others don’t do it because they want to. More often than not, it’s a subconscious defensive mechanism.
How do I know if I’m gaslighting someone?
If people frequently tell you they thought you said something and now you “don’t remember” or you constantly make them question their feelings, you might be gaslighting them.
What is the first step to stopping gaslighting?
Awareness! If you don’t know your behavior is problematic, how will you ever know when you do it?
Can therapy help a person who gaslights others?
Yes! Therapy is a great way to learn your emotional triggers and how to better navigate them.
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