I’ve seen people throw themselves into relationships only fueled by emotion but lacking substance on who they actually were getting themselves into. At the onset, people are blind to flaws because the attention feels good, conversations flow naturally, and sexual chemistry takes over communication.
It’s not until months down the road that the true colors show… not through words but patterns of behavior.
I realized that the issues many face in relationships didn’t occur after the commitment. They occurred before it when the right questions were never asked.
Too often we think that a connection is enough. Yet time after time we see relationships where there was connection but a lack of clarity that ended up causing confusion.
If you’re considering investing in someone emotionally, these are some questions that allow you to look past attraction and see the person behind the surface.
21 Important Questions to Ask Before Starting a Relationship
1. What Are You Looking for in a Relationship Right Now?
This question allows you to instantly know where their intentions lie. You can like someone as much as the next person but mean something completely different by being with them.
One might want commitment while the other wants something casual. Another person might not even know what they’re looking for.
By not asking this, you risk becoming emotionally attached to someone who wants something else. Misaligned intentions are a recipe for divorce.
Know where your partner stands early on.
Read also: 10 Signs You’re in the Wrong Relationship
2. Are You Emotionally Available Right Now?
Emotional availability determines if someone is truly open for a relationship or if they are holding onto emotional baggage from a previous situation.
They can be interested in you but still not be ready to emotionally show up for you every day. When that happens, you later feel as if you’re giving more than you’re receiving.
Asking this question weeds out people who are unavailable so you don’t invest time into the wrong person.
Read also: 12 Clear Signs You’re in a Serious Relationship
3. How Do You Handle Conflict in Relationships?
Let me ask you this—do you think you and your significant other will never argue? No? Exactly.
Arguments are inevitable but how you argue is what matters.
Some people shut off, some get defensive, others throw the blame around. If you know how they handle conflict early on, you know what type of communication you’ll have in the future.
A good relationship doesn’t mean you don’t fight, it means you both are emotionally mature during times of disagreement.
Read also: 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship Most People Overlook
4. What Does Commitment Mean to You?
Commitment means different things to different people. That’s why it is vital that you both understand what it means.
To one person, commitment means exclusivity. To another it means being emotionally available and consistent.
If you don’t know how the other person defines commitment, you’re bound to have issues later on.
Get on the same page before getting emotionally attached.
5. What Are Your Deal Breakers?
Everyone has things that they cannot tolerate in a relationship. This allows you to know what you shouldn’t cross with your partner.
Asking this also allows you to evaluate if your natural behavior will spark red flags with your partner.
6. What Have Your Past Relationships Taught You?
We all have past relationships that have shaped the way we behave emotionally with others. This question allows you to know if that person has learned from their mistakes or continues to repeat the same pattern.
This also helps you know if they can self reflect on their past. If they can’t self reflect on their past, chances are they may repeat it with you.
7. How Do You Express Love and Affection?
Some people show love through words, others through actions. Some show it through quality time and others through consistency.
Figuring this out allows you to know how to properly express effort to your partner. You may feel like your partner doesn’t show you they love you when in fact they are just showing it in a way that you don’t understand.
Learn each other’s love languages.
8. What Makes You Feel Neglected in a Relationship?
This allows you to know your partner’s triggers. We all have different triggers. Maybe your partner feels neglected when you don’t talk for a day or maybe it’s when you don’t text them good morning and night.
Understanding how your partner feels neglected allows you to know what to avoid in order to not hurt them unintentionally.
9. How Do You Spend Your Free Time?
This allows you to determine if you and your partner’s lifestyle are compatible.
Perhaps you’re the type of person who likes to spend their free time working out while your partner likes to spend their free time watching TV.
Time together is great but you also have to understand if you and your partner’s daily lives are compatible.
10. What Are Your Long Term Life Goals?
Relationships without direction tend to flounder after some time. While your long term goals don’t have to be the same, they need to align.
Ask this question so you don’t build a relationship on emotion only to find out you have no common long term goals.
11. How Do You Handle Stress or Pressure?
We all react differently when under stress. Do they shut down? Bounce quickly? Or become emotionally unavailable?
Figure this out so you know how your partner will behave when the going gets tough.
If a relationship is built on great times, then you two will be broken during times of stress.
12. What Does Trust Mean to You?
Is trust having someone that is honest with you? Or is it more than that?
Some people may view trust as someone who is consistent with their words. You and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to the definition of trust.
13. Are You Comfortable Talking About Your Emotions?
Emotional expression is key when it comes to connecting with your partner on a deeper level.
You don’t want to become attached to someone who’s going to shut down every time you ask how their day was.
Ask this question so you know how comfortable they are with expressing their emotions.
14. What Do You Expect From a Partner Daily?
Some people expect their partner to check in with them multiple times a day while others don’t want their partners touching their phones.
Expectations are foundations of pressure. By knowing what your partner expects on a daily, you avoid unnecessary pressure.
15. How Do You Feel About Personal Space in Relationships?
Everyone needs space but what others consider space may be different from you.
Knowing how your partner feels about space allows you to understand their expectations when it comes to giving each other space.
16. What Are You Most Proud Of in Your Life?
Allowing someone to know what you’re proud of allows them to know what you value about yourself.
When you know what someone values about themselves you can build them up in those areas.
Additionally, this allows you to create a connection with your partner that goes deeper than physical attraction.
17. What Makes You Feel Loved the Most?
Loving someone is great but knowing how to make your partner feel loved is even better.
You don’t want to get into a relationship and forget to tune into your partner’s emotional needs.
Ask this question so you can ensure your partner’s needs are being met.
18. How Do You Handle Past Emotional Pain?
The past tends to have a way of creeping into our current relationships. By knowing how your partner handles emotional pain, you’ll understand if they’ve moved on from their past or it still lingers.
Ask this question so you know if your partner has cleared their closet of emotional baggage.
19. What Role Does Family Play in Your Life?
Family can play a major role in someone’s life. How they respond may help you understand if they value family.
Ask this question so you know how much emphasis they put on family, if any at all.
20. What Are You Not Willing to Compromise On?
We all have things that we know we will not budge on when it comes to relationships.
Ask this question so you know where the line is when it comes to your partner.
21. Why Do You Want This Relationship?
This person is your why. Understanding why they want to be with you allows you to know where they stand emotionally.
Some people look for relationships for the wrong reasons. Make sure you know why they want this relationship so you don’t get attached to the wrong motives.
Conclusion
Too often we allow our emotions to cloud our judgment when it comes to figuring out if someone we like is actually suitable for a relationship.
Ask these questions early on and you won’t have to question your partner’s intentions later down the road.
Chemistry is great, but understanding who you’re getting yourself into is better.
Share this with your friends who could benefit from these questions before jumping into a relationship.
FAQ
Why are these questions important to ask before a relationship?
Because they allow you to know if you and your significant other are compatible before you both become attached.
When is the best time to ask these questions?
Early on before you both fall too far into dating mode.
Won’t these type of questions kill the mood?
If you ask them naturally then they won’t. The right person won’t mind getting to know you on a deeper level before becoming intimate.
What is the most important question I should ask?
They all are important but if I had to choose one I’d say “Why do you want this relationship?”
Will people actually be honest with me when I ask these questions?
Some will, others won’t. However actions always speak louder than words so you’ll see their answer through their behavior.
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