Let me tell you something I’ve noticed over and over when talking to people about relationships:
Sometimes you want love so badly, but you’re actually NOT ready for love.
You want someone to care about you. You want someone to text you at night. You want someone to enjoy your life with. You want someone to make you feel chosen.
But when you actually start dating someone who requires vulnerability and honesty and asks you to be a consistent partner who shows up, holds them accountable when they’re unhealthy… things become REALLY uncomfortable.
So rather than accepting vulnerability and changing, you blame them. You say the relationship was too demanding. You say they were too needy. You say love just didn’t work out.
Sometimes that is true. But other times… you just weren’t ready to give someone else your time, attention, and affection because you wanted the comfort of having a boyfriend/girlfriend without actually being responsible enough to BE one.
And that is okay.
There is nothing wrong with taking time to find the right person when YOU ARE READY.
You are NOT obligated to get into a relationship just because your friends are.
You are NOT obligated to accept someone into your life when you’re scared of being single.
You do not have to pretend you’re ready just because you miss kissing someone.
It is far healthier to be single for a while than to date someone when you’re emotionally unavailable, deeply distrustful of partners, overwhelmed with your own life issues, or not willing to compromise and make space for someone else.
But how can you know FOR SURE that you are ready or NOT ready?
8 Signs You’re Not Emotionally Ready for a Relationship
1. You Want a Relationship More Than You Want to Actually Be With Someone
There is a stark difference between wanting a relationship and wanting a specific person.
You can crave companionship, affection, attention, romance, intimacy, and feeling wanted without actually wanting to be with someone enough to deal with the day to day reality of building a genuine connection with another human being.
This is one of the biggest signs that you may NOT be ready.
You want the idea of having a boyfriend/girlfriend. But the actual RESPONSIBILITIES that come with being in a relationship feel “too much” or “like work” to you.
You want someone to check in on you. But you don’t necessarily want to have to check in on them.
You want them to support you when you’re having a hard time. But god forbid they need your support too.
You want someone to make you feel loved. But you are not ready to do the same for them.
Relationships are a two way street. They are not just about you feeling better. A healthy relationship with someone means being willing to COMMIT time, effort, and energy to helping another human being feel better too.
Read also: 10 Signs Your Relationship Will Last a Lifetime
2. You Are Still Emotionally Attached To Your Ex
Being over your relationship on paper does not mean you are emotionally ready for someone else.
You can tell yourself you’re ready just because you haven’t seen your ex in months. You can say you’re ready because you rarely think about them anymore. You can start dating people again and convince yourself you’re healed because you no longer cry every time their name comes up.
BUT…
The truth is, time does not determine healing.
If you find yourself:
- constantly comparing new people to your ex
- creeping your ex’s social media
- replaying old conversations in your head
- secretly hoping they’ll come back to you
- feeling angry every time someone hurts you like they did
You might still be emotionally attached and hanging onto emotional baggage from your ex that you haven’t realized you’re carrying around.
Healing Comes FROM YOU, Not Someone New
Expecting a new partner to fill the holes your ex left in your life is unfair to them.
Your new partner does not owe you the repair work of someone who hurt you before them. They should not have to constantly prove to you that they will never do the same things YOUR EX did. They should not have to spend months reassuring you that they will not cheat because you couldn’t trust your ex.
Real healing means that yes, you may think about your ex from time to time. But you do not let what they did control how you react to your next relationship.
You can acknowledge your ex hurt you without projecting those insecurities onto people who have not given you a reason to trust them yet.
You can hold someone accountable for hurting you without expecting every other partner to do the same thing.
And once you’ve allowed yourself to heal from past trauma, YOU CAN meet someone when YOU ARE READY.
Read also: 50 Honest Questions to Ask Your Ex-Boyfriend After a Breakup
3. You Have No Desire To Make Room For Another Person
Relationships take space.
Not every minute of your day. But they do take enough space in your life to care about another human being’s schedule, needs, emotions, opinions, and presence.
If you feel like you cannot handle anyone interrupting your plans, requiring you to check in with them, asking for communication, or even simply BEING around 99% of the time… you may not be ready for a relationship.
I get it. Maybe your life is JUST TOO hectic to consider adding someone into the mix right now.
Maybe you’re busy with work. School. Personal goals. Family obligations. Spending time with friends. Building your self confidence back up. Or just ENJOYING being single.
Any of those things are valid reasons to want to stay single.
The issue comes when you want someone around but you make ZERO ROOM in your life for them.
Wanting Space Does Not Mean You Can’t Handle a Relationship
Of course you need space. Everyone does.
But if the idea of making “space” for someone else makes you roll your eyes.
If you cannot handle the thought of potentially having to:
- check in with your partner when they need you
- make plans around their schedule sometimes
- comfort them when they’re having a bad day
- offer encouragement when they need it
- WAIT for them to respond to you sometimes
Then being single is likely your best bet for now.
A good partner will never expect you to drop your life to make room for them. But they will expect you to be able to COMPROMISE, communicate, and adjust your schedule when they need you.
You are allowed to be an independent person who enjoys their alone time.
You are not allowed to expect someone to remain emotionally available when you make ZERO effort to do the same for them.
Read also: 6 Things Men Secretly Love Seeing in the Woman They Love
4. You Shut Down Whenever Things Get Too Emotional
No relationship is 100% roses and rainbows.
Eventually, you will fight, misunderstand each other, make each other upset, have things you don’t want to talk about, and face life circumstances that demand more from your relationship than you might be ready for.
If your first reaction during uncomfortable conversations is to pull away, shut down emotionally, reply with short one word answers, tell them you need space, or punish them by pretending they never upset you in the first place…
You may not be ready for a relationship yet.
It is okay to not be great at communication.
But until you can both communicate HEALTHILY, your emotional immaturity will always sabotage your connections with others.
Part of being emotionally mature in a relationship is practicing EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.
You have to know how to communicate your needs without abusing their love for you. You have to be able to listen when they say something is bothering them. You have to learn how to FIX problems instead of letting resentment fester between you two.
Read also: How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work: 13 Tips
5. All You Think About Is How Someone Can “Fix” Your Life
Hoping that a relationship will heal your loneliness, insecurity, or whatever else you may be feeling is completely understandable.
But once you place that much hope and expectation on someone YOU HAVE NOT EVEN MET YET…
Your fear of being single again and losing them will consume you.
You will anxiously cling to them when they start to pull away. You will constantly question whether they truly love you enough. You will accuse them of seeing other people when your own insecurities make you jealous of every passerby.
Real Relationships Require 2 Whole People
No one is available 24/7.
Your partner is going to have their own life.
Their own friendships, hobbies, commitments, bad days, emotional needs.
And if all your boyfriend/girlfriend does in your head is “fix” your problems…
You’re setting them up for burn out.
If they always have to be there to reassure you, keep you distracted when you’re bored, cheer you up when you’re sad, solve all your problems, and MAKE you feel like your life is complete…
They are going to grow emotionally exhausted by your dependence on them QUICKLY.
Building a sense of SELF WORTH takes time, but it will allow you to feel lonely without thinking you’re unlovable. It will help you have a bad week without assuming your life is falling apart.
A relationship should enhance your life, not be the sole reason you want to wake up in the morning.
6. The Idea Of Being Vulnerable Terrifies You
You can desperately want love but scare easily when someone starts to feel CLOSE to you.
Maybe you tell yourself you’re “just not good with sharing feelings.”
Maybe you joke around any time things start to feel serious.
Maybe you refuse to talk about the things that scare you: your family life, past trauma, emotions, fears, vulnerabilities.
When you care about someone deeply and they suddenly decide to “drop” you because they “need space.”
It hits harder when you know you WANT to open up to them. But the idea of being THAT vulnerable with someone terrifies you.
Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, so opening up feels TOO risky.
Again, if someone has cheated on you, broken your heart, or emotionally played you in the past, thinking YOU SHOULD keep people at arm’s length to avoid pain is reasonable.
But when you really think about it…
Avoiding happiness because you’re afraid it will hurt DOES NOT guarantee you won’t feel heartbroken again.
It guarantees that you will NEVER allow someone to get close enough to where they could hurt you.
7. You Act Like You Want A Relationship But Still Want The Freedom To Do Whatever You Want
This sign is less about emotions and more about your intentions.
You want someone. But you also want to cheat, check out other people, and not have to “deal” with anyone.
Sounds great, right?
NOPE.
You want all the benefits of having a boyfriend/girlfriend without having to DEAL with a boyfriend/girlfriend.
If that’s how you feel, own up to it.
You’re not a bad person for wanting that. You’re just being dishonest with yourself and the person you want about what you ACTUALLY want.
They meet a woman they like, so they tell her they want a relationship, pursue her, and even have sex with her.
But because they “have fun flirting with other girls” and can’t stay true to HER, they end up cheating.
The issue is NOT that women don’t know men will cheat.
The issue is that men know women will eventually catch them cheating BUT they do it anyway.
So how do you avoid regretfully finding yourself in this situation?
8. You Know There Are Things You Need To Work On But You Just Make Excuses
This may be the scariest sign to read because deep down, you know it’s true.
You know that there are parts about you that you need to CHANGE before you can be in a healthy relationship.
Whether it be your trust issues, how you communicate, your ability to be vulnerable, your anger, jealousy, lack of self confidence, or whatever your hang up is…
You know you need to work on yourself but you choose relationships over self reflection every time.
Subconsciously, you know you need to WORK ON YOURSELF, but you’d rather spend your time with someone who PRETENDS to understand your problems.
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