When two lives become one, things have to change.
Sure, you shouldn’t sacrifice your identity or the things that make you unique. But there are habits and patterns of thinking that must shift if your marriage is going to grow.
Loving your spouse isn’t enough to create a healthy marriage. You have to want to grow as a couple too.
Here are eight things worth changing.
1. Shift From “Me” Thinking to “We” Thinking
One of the easiest ways to change for marriage is to adjust how you think about daily decisions.
When you’re on your own, the decisions you make typically affect just yourself. After you get married, that changes. You now have another person to consider when it comes to money, career, where you live, and other life goals.
This doesn’t mean you can’t think about yourself or your goals. But you should include your spouse in the conversation. When couples develop a “we” mindset, they often enjoy greater unity. Life becomes about running toward the same direction together instead of two parallel lines trotting along side by side.
Changing your thought process can help you feel more connected as a couple.
Read also: 10 Signs of a Difficult Husband in Marriage
2. Change How You Handle Conflict
Bad habits die hard. Many people go into marriage with unhealthy conflict patterns they picked up growing up or from a previous relationship.
Maybe you shut down when there’s a disagreement. Maybe you get defensive. Perhaps you lash out or criticize your spouse. Whatever your pattern is, it could cause problems down the road if it doesn’t change.
Couples who learn to handle conflict in healthy ways know arguments don’t have to destroy their relationship. By practicing healthy communication skills, you can learn to talk through disagreements without making every argument feel like a war. Remember: you’re on the same team.
Read also: 8 Important Things You Need to Know About Marriage
3. Change Your Expectations About Perfection
Expecting your spouse to be perfect is unrealistic and unhealthy.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to ignore little quirks. Over time, however, you begin to notice your partner’s habits. Incompatibilities you never noticed before suddenly become glaringly obvious.
The key is to take these quirks and differences in stride. Your spouse will frustrate you sometimes. They will let you down on occasion. They will probably do or say things that test your patience. And someday, you’ll do the same thing to them.
Realizing that neither of you is perfect allows more grace and forgiveness to exist in your marriage.
Read also: How to Walk Away From a Toxic Marriage: 10 Steps
4. Change How You Prioritize Your Time
In many marriages, there’s a common problem. Alone time and interests take priority over spending quality time with your spouse.
It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life. But when you do that, your marriage can slowly take a back seat to everything else. Before you know it, you’ve drifted farther apart than you ever imagined.
Intentionally making time for your spouse is part of what keeps you close. Make sure you’re scheduling regular date nights, deep talks, and just spending quality time together.
5. Change How You View Independence
It’s great to be independent, but marriage also requires interdependence.
Too often, we approach marriage thinking we can do everything on our own. We make large decisions without consulting our spouse. We withhold certain areas of our lives from our partner. We refuse to ask for help or lean on each other when we need it.
Learning how to depend on your spouse will only strengthen your marriage. You don’t have to sacrifice your individuality. In fact, allowing yourself to be vulnerable will help you grow closer as a couple.
6. Change Your Approach to Money
Money issues are one of the leading causes of marital strife.
It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If you and your spouse have incompatible spending habits, you could run into conflict. That’s why many people need to change how they handle money when they get married.
On the other hand, couples that work together to develop healthy financial habits have a better chance of growing their savings, reducing stress, and achieving their goals. Talk openly about money, set goals, and come up with a plan to reach them.
7. Change How You Express Love
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean your spouse will automatically know you love them.
When first dating, it’s natural to go out of your way to show your affection. But over time, it’s easy to fall into a rut. Pretty soon, you forget to express your feelings like you used to.
Make the effort to show your spouse you care. Take notice of how your partner prefers to receive love. Some people need words of affirmation, while others may prefer acts of service or quality time. Learn how to love your spouse’s love language.
8. Change Your Commitment to Personal Growth
Far too many people spend all their time looking for their soulmate.
What happens after you find them? Don’t forget about personal growth once you get married.
If you and your spouse want your marriage to grow, you have to grow as individuals too. That means working on yourself, improving weak areas, and becoming the best version of you that you can be.
Continue to learn. Read books, take courses, and seek out new information that can help you improve as a person and spouse.
Conclusion
Few things in life are more fulfilling than a healthy marriage. But marriage also forces you to change a lot of things.
The good habits you developed while single aren’t always going to work for your marriage. By thinking “we” instead of “me,” communicating better, managing your expectations, prioritizing time together, balancing independence, handling money responsibly, showing love to your spouse, and continuing to grow as a person, you can improve your marriage.
You don’t have to change everything at once. Growth is a process. Take things one step at a time and continually seek to become a better husband or wife.
Change little things every day, and it can lead to big changes over time.
FAQ
Why do people need to change after getting married?
Simply because two people become one when married. Some areas of your life will need to change when you transition from single to married. Change helps you grow your relationship.
Should I change who I am when I get married?
No! You shouldn’t have to change your personality when you get married. But you should work to correct unhealthy behaviors that affect your spouse.
What is the biggest adjustment in marriage?
For most people, learning to adopt a “we” mentality over a “me” mentality. It’s cliché for a reason.
How can married couples improve communication?
Learn healthy communication skills. Listen, speak kindly, and focus on improving your marriage instead of trying to prove who’s right.
Why is spending quality time together important?
If you and your spouse stop spending quality time together, you can start to feel distant. Make sure you set aside time to stay connected.
How can we avoid arguing about money?
Communicate and work on your finances together. Paying bills and deciding who spends what can be a struggle. Learn to make money decisions as a team.
Does personal growth really impact your marriage?
Absolutely. The better you become as a person, the better you’ll be able to support your marriage and spouse.
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