When you love someone toxic, it’s one of the most painful emotional struggles you will ever experience. You know it’s unhealthy. You know it drains you of your energy, happiness, and peace. You know you deserve better, but a part of you can’t help but want them to love you back the way you want to love them.
Hope is a beautiful thing. But if you find yourself constantly hoping your toxic person will become attentive all of a sudden or that they’ll stop lying to you, stop cheating on you, or stop disrespecting you, hope is no longer your friend. Believe me, I’ve been there.
But you are NOT obligated to stay in a relationship that makes you feel less than you are. You are incredible and so worth it.
Please know that you can move on from loving someone who hurts you, and you will be okay without them.
I know that healing takes time, but as long as you take the right steps to stop loving that person, you’ll be building a better foundation for someone new who actually deserves you.
Here are 7 ways to help you stop loving someone who doesn’t deserve your love.
PS: While working through these steps, you’ll want to work on improving your self esteem, setting healthy boundaries, and healing from any emotional baggage you may have. I’ve got you covered there too.
1. Love Won’t Solve Everything
The number one reason why people stay in toxic relationships is because they believe that love can solve everything. If you love someone enough, you can fix them, make them nicer, make them happier, and prove that they can change.
Love is not enough.
Love cannot fix cheating, name calling, manipulation, lying, emotional abuse, and complete disrespect.
The moment you can accept that someone can love you and still be completely WRONG for you is the moment you’ll be able to let them go.
A relationship is built on trust, accountability, kindness, communication, and respect. If you don’t have that, love won’t hold your relationship together for long.
Instead of questioning how much you love them, ask yourself: Is this relationship making me a healthier, happier person?
Read also: 8 Love Lies We Have Believed All Our Lives
2. Good Times Will Always Look Better Than They Are
Your brain is wired to remember the good times with your significant other WAY more than the bad memories.
You think about all of the vacations you took, sweet messages they used to send you, late night talks, and smiles they gave you, but rarely do you think about the times they lied to you, yelled at you, ignored you, cheated on you, or didn’t respect you.
This is a major reason why people take longer to let go. You want to go back to the good moments more than you are willing to accept the bad ones.
But every time you think about running back into their arms, remember why you wanted to leave in the first place.
Don’t let a few good memories delete all of the hurt they caused you.
Read also: 7 Ways to Stop Being a Toxic Person
3. Cut Off All Emotional Connections
“I broke up with him, but I still check his Instagram.”
“I cut off all contact except for texting.”
“I unfollowed her on social media, but her friends still hit me up.”
Trust me, I’ve heard ALL of these excuses before. Sure, you can tell someone you’re not willing to be with them anymore, but if you’re still looking for ways to contact them, talk to them, and see what they’ve been up to, you’re NOT over them.
You can’t heal if you’re not willing to cut off all emotional ties.
That doesn’t mean you can never speak to them again, but you have to allow yourself time to heal before you jump back into their life. Every time you see their face or hear their voice, you’re undoing progress that you’ve made.
If you have to, block them on social media, delete their number, unfollow them, mute them, whatever you have to do to take away any opportunity you have to contact them.
Read also: 12 Clear Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
4. You Can’t Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Be Fixed
You want the best for your significant other. You want them to smile and be happy. But you can only encourage them to be a better person. You can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to.
The biggest reason why most toxic relationships tend to work is because one person thinks that they can change their partner with enough LOVE.
Listen, I get it. I really do. I stayed WAY too long in my past relationship because I thought that the more I loved him, the more he would love me back.
Newsflash: People don’t change until THEY want to change.
You can’t make someone better if they don’t want to be better.
Stop making your healing dependent on someone else’s ability to change.
5. Rediscover the Person You Were Before Them
When you’re in a relationship with someone, your identity can easily become wrapped up in them. You may stop doing things for yourself, lose touch with friends, lose your confidence, question your self worth, and feel as though you don’t know who you are without them.
Part of healing is remembering who you were before they came along and destroyed your peace.
What are some things you enjoy doing? Hobbies? Traveling? Drawing? Working out? Start doing them again and reconnect with yourself.
The more you love yourself, the less you will depend on your ex to make you feel good about yourself again.
6. Hope Isn’t Going to Change Anything
Hope is only useful when it’s based on something. You hope you’ll pass your exam because you studied. You hope it stops raining so you can go to the beach.
When you’re hoping your toxic person will magically become healthy all of a sudden, hope isn’t going to do anything but hurt you.
Stop hoping they will change. Ask yourself these questions:
Did they actually CHANGE, or did they make promises they knew they wouldn’t keep?
Are you holding on to who they are or who you want them to be?
Once you can face reality for what it is, you can finally begin to heal.
Owning up to reality will hurt at first, but so does staying in a toxic relationship that’s ripping you apart.
7. You Have to Decide to Let Them Go Every Single Day
Leaning away from someone doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a decision that you’re going to have to make again and again, especially during the first few months of your breakup.
You are going to have moments where you crave them. You’re going to have moments where you question your decision. You’re going to have moments where you want to pick up that phone and just talk to them.
Don’t give in to your emotions.
Missing someone doesn’t mean you have to run right back to them.
Choose your future over them, OVER and OVER again, and before you know it, you won’t even think about them because you’ll be building a better life for YOU.
One where you have more peace, more happiness, and more self confidence.
One day you will realize you aren’t just surviving without them. You actually moved on.
Final Thoughts
I wish I could tell you that learning how to stop loving someone is easy. But it’s not.
But what I CAN tell you is that you DESERVE better than someone who makes you question your worth.
You deserve someone who fills your life with happiness, joy, peace, and, most of all, LOVE.
Real love brings out the best in you, not the worst.
So take these steps, heal from the relationship that you were in, and TRUST that there is someone better waiting for you too.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can’t I let go of someone who hurts me?
Answer: When you’ve built a relationship with someone for a long time, your brain craves the attachment they give you, even if it’s bad attachment. It thinks you’re cheating on them when you spend time without talking to that person. Your brain hurts. That’s why it’s hard to let go of someone who hurts you.
What happens when you fall out of love with a toxic person?
Answer: You slowly start to realize that your self worth does not depend on them, and you start to love yourself more. You will no longer cry over this person, and you will see that you can have fun without them.
What does it feel like when you stop loving someone?
Answer: You may feel confused and lost. You’ll miss them, but you’ll know that you won’t be able to love them how they need to be loved. If you love them, you’ll want what’s best for them, even if that means being apart.
How long does it take to fall out of love with someone you cheated on?
Answer: Falling out of love takes time. It differs from person to person. Just take your time, and eventually you’ll feel fine again. It may take weeks, months, maybe even years.
How long does it take to get over someone you loved?
Answer: Studies show that it can take anywhere from 11 days to 2 years. If you were married to this person, you have probably spent several years building a life and love with them. So it will only take you a couple of months to get over that person. Know that it will get better with time.
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