Recently, I listened to a girl describe her boyfriend. At first, what she said confused me.
“He’s not always mean… he can be really nice sometimes.” Pause. “But it feels like I’m walking on eggshells constantly trying not to trigger him.”
The co existence of those two statements is what makes toxic boyfriends so tricky.
Because it’s never all bad all the time. It’s a balance of amazing times that make you forget the other TIMES. Times when you’re left emotionally drained by his behaviors and patterns. Until one day, you find yourself questioning your sanity more than you question the relationship itself.
If you’ve been feeling more drained, overwhelmed, scatterbrained, or just off late… this post is for you.
10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Toxic
1. He Makes You Question Your Reality
One of the biggest signs your boyfriend might be toxic is how you feel when you spend time with him or think about him.
Specifically, do you ever feel like you are losing your mind?
Maybe after you two get into an argument or have “the talk,” you walk away feeling confused. Like you don’t know what happened. What YOU felt happened. If you’re overreacting. If he’s even sorry.
You notice this a lot through subtle manipulation. How he can word things a certain way, deny ever saying or doing something, or make you feel crazy for having certain emotions.
This toxic trait stems from gaslighting behavior. Rather than allowing you to feel secure in your own feelings and emotions, you constantly seek his approval for what’s “true.”
Read also: 12 Clear Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
2. He Disrespects You (& Excuses It)
Toxic behaviors come in all sizes. Sometimes they’re big. Other times they’re the little things he does that scrape away at your confidence…
…the way he talks to you. Ignores your opinion. Interrupts you. Makes jokes at your expense. Calls you names. Etc.
You may laugh it off or let it slide when he does these things. But when his disrespectful behavior is your NORMAL… that’s a problem.
Any relationship should have a strong foundation of mutual respect. When there’s no respect, there can be no emotional safety.
Read also: 9 Toxic Habits That Prevent You from Winning in Life
3. He Attempts To Control You
He wants to know where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing. He says he’s just worried about you. But he ALWAYS asks.
Soon, he begins asking about the people you’re with, what you’re wearing, how much you spend your money on.
And if you snap back or give a rebuttal, you instantly feel guilty or it results in an argument.
There’s a reason why this is toxic. Controlling behavior is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.
Your partner should be able to trust you. Encourage your freedom, not limit it.
Read also: 9 Habits That Help You Control Your Mind
4. You Feel Robbed of Your Energy
This one is subtle but important.
How do you feel when you spend time with him?
Not right when you’re with him, but when you think about him later that day or even weeks later.
Are you filled with joy, happiness, or gratitude? Or do you feel…
Zapped. Wiped out. Used.
Draining your energy is another one of those toxic characteristics that never SEEMS like a big deal, but over time it ruins your emotional health.
5. He Never Takes Responsibility for His Mistakes
The word “no” properly comes out of his mouth.
If he does something wrong or hurts your feelings… he makes it YOUR fault.
“Why are you acting like this?” “If you didn’t _____, I wouldn’t have done that.”
It’s manipulation and one of the MAIN traits of a toxic boyfriend. He knows how to play the victim card PERFECTLY, which makes YOU feel guilty for calling him out.
There will never be a healthy relationship if he doesn’t learn personal accountability.
6. He Is Inconstant
Boyfriend today is nice. Funny. Pays you compliments.
Boyfriend tomorrow is cold. Distant. Brutal.
Consistency is something you DON’T see with toxic partners. He might SAY he will change or that he loves you. But his ACTIONS don’t match up.
A relationship is about building trust with one another. When you can’t trust that your partner will treat you the same way every day, that’s a major issue.
7. You Feel Guilty For Asking For What You Need
Speaking of asking for what you need.
How does he react when you ask for something?
Does he get defensive? Angry? Offensive?
It’s okay to want and need things from your partner. But when you know you’ll be berated for it, you stop asking.
Allowing your partner to know your needs and how to better support you is part of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship. You should never feel ashamed for asking for what you need.
8. He Is Jealous and Possessive
We all get jealous sometimes. It’s normal. But there’s a fine line between being jealous and allowing jealousy to TAKE over your emotions.
He questions your friendships. Gets angry when you don’t text him back right away. Accuses you of cheating or having a secret boyfriend when you spend time with other guys.
All of these are characteristics of an insecure boyfriend. But when his jealousy spins into controlling behaviors, that’s where you draw the line.
Feelings of love are about security and trust. Not suspicion.
9. He Doesn’t Validate Your Emotions
You let him know how you’re feeling. You explain that certain things make you upset, angry, or disappointed.
He replies with “you’re crazy,” “you’re too sensitive,” or “why would you even care?”…
Sound familiar?
One of the most important parts of healthy communication is validating each other’s emotions, even if you don’t understand them yourself.
10. Something Simply Doesn’t Feel Right…
I saved the best sign for last. And it’s also the most ignored.
Deep down, you just know.
You may not know HOW you know. You may not even BE able to explain why this relationship is blowing up in your face. But you know.
Your intuition when it comes to your partner is everything. Your gut feeling knows when things are off LONG before you’re able to logically piece the situations together.
If you constantly feel unease, anxiety, and are unsure about your relationship, listen to THAT feeling.
Conclusion
Nobody likes to think that the person they love and care about could be toxic.
But toxicity doesn’t always come in the form of a screaming asshole boyfriend.
MORE times than not, it’s a series of small patterns that slowly but surely chip away at how you feel when you’re with him. How you think about him when you’re not. And how you view yourself as a whole.
I want you to remember ONE thing if you feel that you might be in a relationship with a toxic boyfriend.
You can love your boyfriend and still recognize that his behavior(s) are wrong. Those two things can coexist.
But YOU cannot continue to care for him if you allow his behavior to suck away your own peace of mind.
Take your time, but don’t ignore these red flags either.
Awareness is the first step towards finding clarity and deciding what YOU want to do moving forward.
FAQ
What are the signs of a toxic boyfriend?
There are many signs that indicate a boyfriend may be toxic. Some of the biggest signs include manipulation, controlling behaviors, disrespect, lack of accountability, inconsistency, guilt tripping, jealousy, and invalidation.
Can a toxic boyfriend change?
A boyfriend can change his behavior IF and ONLY if he recognizes that he has a problem and wants to make a consistent effort to better himself.
Why is it so hard to leave a toxic boyfriend?
Love is powerful. Sometimes too powerful. When you develop feelings for someone, it’s hard to not wish the best for them, even if that means you have to suffer.
Is jealousy considered toxic?
Not always. However, when jealousy becomes intrusive, accusing, or intense, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
What should I do if my boyfriend is toxic?
The first thing you should do is identify your feelings. Know that what he’s doing is not okay. Set firm boundaries with him. And lastly, if things don’t improve, ask yourself if this relationship is healthy for you long term.
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