I see it all the time in my work as a relationship expert. Couples spend way too much time learning superficial things about each other and completely overlook things that truly determine whether a relationship will fail or succeed.
They know favorite colors. They know favorite foods. They know favorite movies. They know each other’s social media habits. Yet they know almost nothing about you on a deeper level that actually shapes their behavior and emotional connection with you.
I was talking to a couple once who kept fighting about the same thing over and over. They loved each other, but they still felt misunderstood on a weekly basis. The crazy part was that neither of them was purposely trying to hurt one another. They just didn’t understand each other on certain levels beneath the surface.
After they had those deeper conversations, half of their arguments made sense.
Relationships aren’t meant to be reinforced by picking up random facts about each other. They become stronger when your partner understands:
• The things that influence your emotions
• The things that factor into your decision making
• Your fears
• Your needs
• Your relationship expectations
If your boyfriend ever wants to truly build something worthwhile with you, there are certain things he needs to know.
11 Things Your Boyfriend Should Know About You
1. Your Non Negotiable Values
Physical attraction can bring two people together, but values often determine whether a relationship lasts or crashes and burns down the road. Your boyfriend should be aware of the values you refuse to compromise on because they unknowingly dictate many of your decisions.
Let’s say honesty is very important to you. Small lies may bother you more than he realizes. If family, faith, ambition, loyalty, or self improvement are things you value above others, he should know that. Otherwise, he might unintentionally create areas of repetitive conflict because they clash with your core beliefs.
Never assume you share the same values as your partner. Discussing relationship compatibility factors allows both parties to understand if they’re building toward the same future.
Read also: 10 Relationship Boundaries Every Woman Should Set
2. How You Want To Be Loved
There are many different love languages. Just because he loves you in a certain way doesn’t mean you perceive it that way.
Maybe you feel the most loved when you receive quality time. Perhaps words of affirmation mean everything to you. Maybe you’re more affected by acts of service than gifts or physical touch.
If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you naturally receive love, he could be trying his best to “show you love” in areas that may not emotionally impact you very much.
Ideally, he won’t have to be a mind reader, but if something consistently makes you feel loved and cared for, he should know about it.
Read also: 5 Ways to Love Yourself Based on Your Love Language
3. Your Biggest Emotional Triggers
We all have emotional triggers. Things that upset us more than typical situations due to experiences we’ve faced in our past.
Maybe you get hurt easily when you’re ignored. Maybe inconsistency triggers your anxiety. Maybe dishonesty shuts down any hint of trust because it reminds you of past relationships.
It’s important that your boyfriend knows your biggest emotional triggers, not so he can tiptoe around you and avoid disturbing the peace, but so he can have a better understanding of who you are.
Awareness creates understanding. Without understanding, people tend to act innocent when they’re rightfully accused.
Read also: 8 Signs You Are an Emotional Person
4. Your Long Term Life Goals
Too many couples plan where they want to go eat on Friday but never talk about where they want their lives to go.
While your boyfriend might not need to agree with all of your goals, he should at least know what you hope to accomplish in life, what you plan on doing with your career, if you want to get married or not, how many kids you want, whether you value adventure or stability, etc.
Your future goals and aspirations are important because they lay the groundwork for where you see your life going. While you can change your mind, your boyfriend should at least be familiar with what you want.
Avoiding the future won’t make incompatibility disappear. It will only push it further down the road until you eventually have to talk about it.
5. Your Boundaries
Boundaries are not there to punish your boyfriend or push him away. Boundaries serve as guidelines to protect your emotional well being and establish respect.
Whether it’s certain behaviors that make you uncomfortable or things you need to know ahead of time, boundaries are important because they establish consent.
There should be some type of boundaries in every healthy relationship.
6. What Makes You Feel Unsupported
Just because your boyfriend cares about you doesn’t mean he will always know how to support you.
Some people need words of encouragement when they’re feeling down. Others need practical help. Others need you to simply listen without judgment.
If he doesn’t know how you prefer to be supported when you need it, he may try his best to help you while you sit there feeling more disconnected than before.
7. Your Conflict Style
No relationship is exempt from arguments.
The real question is, how do you naturally handle conflict? Because we all handle arguments differently.
Some people need time to cool off. Others want to resolve the issue right then and there. Some people shut down. Others become more emotional.
There is nothing wrong with your conflict style. But if your boyfriend doesn’t know how you’ll typically react when something upsets you, disagreements will likely become more problematic than they have to be.
8. The Things You Secretly Worry About
We all worry about things in our life, whether you admit it or not.
You might fear rejection. Failure. Not being good enough. Losing your independence. Past scars repeating themselves, etc.
You don’t have to share every insecurity with your boyfriend right away. But at some point, when you start becoming serious, he should know the deeper things that concern you.
9. What Respect Means To You
Every person has a different version of what respect looks like in a relationship.
To some women, respect is all about honesty and loyalty. To others, it has little to do with that and more to do with how disagreements are handled or if their opinions are valued by their partner.
The problem is many women never communicate their definition of respect to their partner. Your boyfriend should know exactly what he can do to make you feel respected and what behaviors he should avoid that make you feel disrespected.
10. What You Need During Difficult Times
Conflict and stress reveal strengths and weaknesses in a relationship.
When you’re dealing with a stressful situation or you’re simply down in the dumps, your boyfriend should know what you need from him.
Maybe you need more space when you’re upset. Maybe you need him to hold you and let you talk about it. Maybe you need him to just “give you space” to breathe and cope on your own.
If he doesn’t know how you prefer to be supported during challenging times, it may lead to more unnecessary arguments.
11. The Version Of Yourself You Want To Become
This one is kind of cheating because it’s not really about him understanding you. But it’s about him supporting you.
Your boyfriend should know what version of yourself you want to become.
You are not your current self simply passing through life. You have areas you wish to improve on. You have goals you’re trying to reach. You have dreams you want to accomplish.
Let your boyfriend know what you’re working on personally and allow him to support you in your journey.
A growth mindset is vital in every area of life, but especially in relationships.
When you both agree to support each other’s personal growth, you will have each other’s backs throughout the whole process rather than feeling threatened by it.
Conclusion
Some people trick themselves into thinking that the longer they know someone, the stronger their relationship will become. But time doesn’t make a relationship stronger. Knowledge does.
You don’t have to tell your boyfriend your entire life story immediately. But if he’s going to be special to you and you want him to understand you on a deeper level, start having deep, meaningful conversations with him.
Intimacy is not built by sharing useless information about the past. It’s built when you allow someone to understand you on levels that truly matter.
FAQ
What are some important things you should tell your boyfriend?
You should let him know about your values, goals in life, emotional needs, boundaries, relationship expectations, what love means to you, etc.
Should couples have deep conversations?
Yes and no. Every relationship needs a good balance of small talk and deep conversations. Learning how to build emotional connection is almost impossible if you only focus on lightweight topics.
Should you tell your boyfriend about your fears and insecurities?
Yes, if you consider the relationship serious enough. Sharing your deepest fears and emotions is something you should only do if you trust him enough not to hurt you with that information.
Why do couples always misunderstand each other?
Assumptions. They think their partner should automatically know what they need and how they feel without having to ask.
When should couples talk about their future goals?
Once things become serious enough that compatibility is a subject of concern. If you know you two have different goals you cannot reconcile, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
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