One thing I’ve learned from counseling women for years is that girls rarely come to me because they know something is wrong. Their guy cheated. They fight all the time. Things are black and white.
Instead, most of the time these women are literally competing with someone who isn’t even in the picture anymore.
Their boyfriend’s ex girlfriend.
Over and over again, I found that when a man hasn’t let go of his ex girlfriend, it silently affects his relationship with you.
Here’s the thing, getting over someone doesn’t just happen overnight. Delete pictures and say, “I’m over her,” a million times. People can physically leave a relationship years ago and still be emotionally tied to their ex.
That’s why it’s important to know the difference between a man with an ex and a man who is still holding onto his ex.
If you’re questioning whether or not your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex girlfriend, read on. I’ll walk you through 6 signs he still loves his ex. Keep in mind that spotting 1 or 2 of these signs doesn’t mean he wants her back. When you start to see several of these signs consistently, though, you may want to sit up and take notice.
6 Signs He Still Loves His Ex Girlfriend
1. He Constantly Brings Her Up in Conversations
Your boyfriend tells you stories about his day, and somehow her name always comes up. You’re talking about a vacation you want to take, a movie you want to see, or a restaurant you want to try, and he mentions her in nearly every sentence.
Other times, he directly compares you to her. Maybe he says things like, “My ex used to do this,” or “We’d always do that.”
It’s normal to talk about your ex sometimes, especially if you were with them for years. However, if she constantly comes up in conversation, it’s a sign he still thinks about her… a lot.
And if he still thinks about her a lot, it’s very possible he still loves his ex girlfriend.
Listen to how he talks about her. Does he sound excited to tell you stories about the two of them? Does he mention her with regret? Sadness? Anger? If there’s still strong emotion behind his words, it’s a sign the relationship wasn’t completely put to rest.
Read also: 50 Honest Questions to Ask Your Ex-Boyfriend After a Breakup
2. He Keeps Looking for Reasons to Stay Connected With Her
Typically, when a relationship ends, both people take some time to create emotional distance. Some exes end up being friends, but even those friendships usually have boundaries. He shouldn’t befriend his ex on social media if it’s going to hurt you.
If your boyfriend still texts his ex regularly, checks up on her, comments on everything she posts, or always seems to have an excuse to “talk to her,” you need to question his intentions.
Sure, he may truly believe he’s “just being nice.” However, if he constantly makes excuses to talk to his ex girlfriend and makes you feel like you’re the crazy one for asking, he’s lying to himself and you.
No one needs that kind of connection to their ex hanging around. If he loves you, he’ll protect your peace of mind.
Read also: How to Manifest Getting a Boyfriend in 6 Steps
3. He Gets Defensive Whenever You Mention Her
Trust me, if a guy is over his ex, he doesn’t get defensive when you ask about her.
If he still loves his ex girlfriend, hear him out when you ask questions about their relationship. He may become defensive, tell you that you’re being insecure, give you a million excuses, or completely shut down.
Instead of calming your nerves like you need him to, he’ll make you feel guilty for simply asking questions.
Someone who is willing to be honest with you won’t instantly get defensive. Again, this isn’t a concrete sign he wants her back, but it’s certainly something to look out for.
Healthy communication is about having hard conversations without attacking each other.
Read also: How to Comfortably Ask Your Boyfriend for Money Without Feeling Guilty
4. He Compares You to Her
Comparison is a type of death to any relationship.
Whether he’s comparing both of you favorably or pitching you against her, the fact that he’s comparing you to someone else at all is a problem.
“My ex used to make me cookies like this.”
“She would have done ______ differently.”
“She would have liked that.”
“Do you think my ex would __________?”
See what I mean? He can’t make one small sentence about you or something that happened to both of you without comparing her to you.
When a guy is totally invested in you, he builds you up. He doesn’t pull you down by comparing your relationship to his previous one.
Frequent comparisons are a classic sign he still loves his ex.
5. He Holds On to Memories and Keepsakes From His Relationship With Her
Look, it’s completely normal for your boyfriend to have a drawer full of old pictures or random stuff his ex left at his place when they broke up. Life isn’t about pretending like you never shared anything with an ex.
However, there is a big difference between accidentally throwing out her birthday gift from 3 years ago and actively searching his closet for the stuff she left behind.
If he regularly looks at old photos of them together, keeps gifts she gave him on display, reads old texts between the two of them, or refuses to toss old relationship keepsakes, take note.
Does it feel like he’s just reminiscing or pining? Guys who have put an ex fully in the past don’t typically spend their free time digging through old memories.
Emotional baggage is when you haven’t accepted that the relationship is over.
6. He Doesn’t Fully Invest in Your Relationship
This may be the biggest sign of them all. If your boyfriend still loves his ex, he will struggle to fully invest in what you two have.
He may avoid talking about the future, chicken out on making long term plans, or seem “blah” about every scenario you bring up.
When a guy cares about someone, he protects that person by investing in them. He wants you to feel safe and secure when you’re with him.
If he’s holding back on you emotionally, it’s probably because he still has feelings for someone else.
Bottom line: You deserve a man who wants to build a future with you. You shouldn’t feel like you’re competing with his ex girlfriend every chance you get.
Conclusion
There’s nothing worse than falling in love with a guy who’s still in love with his ex girlfriend. The kicker? You’re not even competing with another woman right now. You’re competing with memories.
Sure, we all walk into new relationships with baggage from our exes. But there’s a huge difference between walking into a relationship with an ex and actively loving an ex on the side.
If you started to see several of these signs from your boyfriend, don’t jump down his throat just yet. Talk to him about it.
Let him explain. Listen to what he says, but pay more attention to his actions moving forward. Guys show you what they really think about something by how they act, not what they say to make you feel better.
You deserve someone who chooses you every single time.
You shouldn’t have to compete with his ex for his love, affection, and attention. You already lost him if he won’t commit to letting go of his past and building a future with you.
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