“I keep hearing I should forgive my mother, but nobody tells her to stop hurting me.”
I was talking to a friend one day when she said something that has resonated with me for over ten years. She was struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship with her mother and was exhausted from being told to forgive her when nobody was holding her accountable.
It was a wake up call that would change the way I viewed mother child relationships forever. As someone who has worked with families for years, I know firsthand how difficult it can be when the person you’re supposed to trust unconditionally becomes your biggest source of pain.
We’re taught from a young age that mothers should always be loved and respected. For the most part, that’s a beautiful and wonderful truth. But what about the mothers who suck the life out of you with passive aggressive comments? The moms who manipulate your emotions or behavior with guilt? What about the mothers who are neglectful or hurtful?
Just because you love your mother doesn’t mean you have to accept poor behavior that negatively impacts your mental and emotional health.
If you’re wondering how to let go of a toxic mother or recover from an emotionally abusive relationship with her, know that letting go doesn’t always mean cutting her out of your life. Sometimes, letting go means letting go of unfair expectations, years of built up resentment, or even learning to create healthier boundaries.
It’s possible to heal from an emotionally damaging relationship with your mom. I can’t promise you it will be easy, but with patience and the right mindset, these six tips will help you on your journey to forgiving your mother or learning to let go.
How to Let Go of a Toxic Mother Without Feeling Guilty
1. Accept That She May Never Become the Mom You Needed Her to Be
Hoping your mom will suddenly change is like waiting for a needle to prick your finger. You know it will hurt, but you just keep scratching.
How many times have you thought about the apology she’ll never say? The amount of affection you’ll probably never receive? The validation you’ve spent your whole life seeking?
People can change, but you can’t base your entire emotional future on someone else changing who they are. Acceptance is not giving up on a relationship, it’s accepting the reality of your relationship instead of how you want it to be.
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the mother you needed growing up. You didn’t deserve the treatment you received from her, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be angry, hurt, and even depressed about it. Letting go of the anger and pain won’t happen until you allow yourself to feel it.
Read also: 10 Signs You’ve Been Under-Mothered
2. Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Many children who grow up with toxic mothers struggle with setting boundaries because they never learned it was okay to say “no.”
You were never taught it was okay to speak up for yourself growing up or told your feelings were important. So, as an adult, you find yourself constantly giving in and accepting bad behavior.
Setting healthy boundaries with someone isn’t punishment, it’s self care. You are allowed to walk away from conversations that turn abusive. You’re allowed to say no if someone is asking unreasonable things of you. You don’t need to feel guilty about taking space if your mom consistently tries to guilt trip you into giving her your attention.
Boundaries are about learning to control your actions, not anyone else’s. She may not like the boundaries you set, but that doesn’t make you wrong for wanting them.
Read also: 10 Relationship Boundaries Every Woman Should Set
3. Stop Shouldering Responsibility for Her Choices
If there’s one thing children of toxic parents are really good at, it’s taking accountability for everyone else’s emotions but their own.
You should not feel guilty whenever she’s upset, frustrated, or unreasonable, even if you’ve done nothing wrong. Why? Because somewhere along the line, you were taught that her feelings were more important than yours.
Your mom is responsible for her emotions, decisions, and overall well being. You are not responsible for fixing her or keeping her emotions regulated.
You can love your mother without allowing yourself to shoulder the responsibility for everything she does wrong.
4. Build a Support System That Allows You to Heal
Trying to heal from a toxic parent on your own is like showing up to a hurricane thinking you can fight your way out of it. You’ll need help if you want to win this battle.
Find people in your life who understand what you’re going through. More specifically, find people who will validate your experience instead of telling you to just get over it or saying, “She’s your mother.”
Friends, family members, mentors, and a therapist who specializes in family trauma can help you through this process. Not only will they help you rebuild confidence in yourself and other relationships, but they can also help you work through painful memories.
Healing also prevents you from slipping back into poor relationship habits your mother may have taught you. It becomes easier to stay strong when you know you have people rooting for you.
5. Focus on Healing Yourself Instead of Trying to Change Her
Believe me, I know how much you want your mom to finally see how her behavior made you feel. But some people are never going to apologize whether they’re right or wrong.
You could spend the rest of your life explaining why you feel the way you do, but she will never understand until she’s willing to change. And if you don’t let that go, you’ll spend years trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change.
Put your energy into something that you can control. Spend your time and effort learning how to love yourself again, grow your confidence, manage emotional triggers, and create the life you deserve for yourself.
Self worth is never built on someone else accepting responsibility for their actions. When you know your happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else, you become unstoppable.
6. Give Yourself Permission to Move Forward
The hardest part about learning how to let go may be allowing yourself to live a happy life without carrying the weight of guilt, resentment, and exhaustion with you everywhere you go.
Moving forward doesn’t mean you forget about everything that happened. It means you don’t have to relive that pain every single day.
You have every right to move on with your life in whatever way you see fit. Whether that means forgiving her and rebuilding your relationship or cutting her out completely, the choice is yours.
Doing what’s best for your emotional health is never selfish, and allowing yourself to put your feelings first is one of the best gifts you’ll ever give yourself.
Conclusion
Knowing how to heal from a toxic mother is never easy. Mother child relationships are complicated because they’re built on love, expectations, history, and years of emotions going back to when you were young.
Healing doesn’t mean you forget the past or that your mother was horrible to you. It means you accept what happened, learn to set boundaries, stop feeling guilty for wanting peace, and put your emotions first.
Remember, you are worthy of love, respect, safety, and happiness whether your mother believes that about you or not. Letting go of your mom isn’t about leaving her behind, it’s about refusing to let go of yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it wrong to distance yourself from your mother?
No! You deserve to distance yourself from anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself mentally, emotionally, or physically. Distancing yourself from someone can help protect your peace and overall health.
Can you love your mother and set boundaries?
Yes! Boundaries and love can absolutely go hand in hand. Setting healthy boundaries with someone you care about allows you to decide what you will and won’t tolerate while still caring about that person.
Should I forgive my toxic mother?
Forgiveness is completely up to you. Some people find forgiveness to be a way to heal, while others learn to accept what happened and move forward without forgiveness. Do what you feel will benefit your emotional well being.
What do I do if my mother won’t change?
You can’t control other people. The only person you have control over is yourself. Continue to work on yourself by creating healthy boundaries, learning to heal, and investing time and energy into the relationships that help you grow.
Can seeing a therapist help after growing up with a toxic mother?
Absolutely! Therapists can help you work through traumatic experiences from your childhood, learn healthy coping mechanisms, build self esteem, and break unhealthy relationship patterns.
Save the pin for later
