In my experience as a relationship expert and coach, one of the things I’ve learned from working with couples is that the distance itself is rarely the problem.
Lots of couples make long distance work with big cities between them, different countries, or even extended periods apart.
What usually causes issues is how people react and handle the gap.
It’s one thing to physically be far apart; it’s another to feel emotionally distant from your partner.
I’ve coached couples who live on opposite sides of the world and still feel connected because they know how to communicate with intention.
And I’ve coached plenty of couples who live less than an hour away from each other who have lost that intimate connection because they stopped truly communicating.
Distance challenges your relationship when there is a lack of healthy communication.
Learning how to connect from far away means building certain habits. Simply sending good morning texts and checking in from time to time won’t cut it.
If you want your long distance relationship to feel healthy and happy, you need to learn how to communicate in ways that build emotional intimacy. When you aren’t able to rely on your partner being physically present to reassure you that they care about you and your relationship, it’s important to lean on your words, attention, and consistency.
These eight long distance communication secrets will help you learn how to keep your boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, fiancee/etc. feeling close to you even when you’re miles away.
Whether you are just starting your long distance journey or you’ve been in a long distance relationship for years, these secrets can help you improve your communication and completely transform your relationship.
8 Long Distance Relationship Advice Communication Secrets
1. Focus on Quality Conversations Instead of Constant Communication
A common mistake that people in long distance relationships make is assuming they need to talk to their partner all day to keep things fresh. Communication is important, but simply messaging each other frequently does not build emotional intimacy.
You can send texts back and forth all day every day but still feel lonely if your conversations lack substance. Asking your partner, “What are you doing?” or “How was your day?” are great ways to start conversations, but you shouldn’t stop there. Your conversations should allow you to understand each other’s thoughts, emotions, dreams, and fears.
Instead of thinking about how many times you communicate each day, focus on having meaningful conversations that allow you to feel close to one another. Thirty minutes of good conversation where you both listen and really hear each other can do more to bring you closer than 8 hours of distracted conversations.
Ask more questions about how your partner is feeling. Talk about what made you laugh that day, what things got you stressed, what you’re looking forward to, etc. Ask what they need from you emotionally and share what you need from them.
This type of communication builds emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is when you both feel that you can be yourself around your partner and truly know and understand each other.
Try scheduling conversation time into your day where you both can sit down and talk without distractions. Put your phones down, turn off the TV, and focus on each other. You don’t have to talk for hours, but showing that you care enough about your partner to give them your undivided attention will help you both feel closer.
Read also: 15 Good Morning Messages for Your Long-Distance Love
2. Learn How Your Partner Needs to Communicate
Different people communicate in different ways. Some people need frequent texting to feel connected, while others need more in depth conversations.
Communication issues in relationships often arise when one partner expects the other person to give them what they need, but not vice versa.
Every person has a different communication style. Learn what your partner needs to feel connected by asking them and listening to what they say.
You should also pay attention if they suddenly go quiet. If your partner, who you usually talk to all the time, suddenly stops texting you back right away, don’t jump to the worst conclusion. They may have just had a long day at work. Bring up the subject in a calm manner and ask how their day was. More times than not, they will open up and tell you if something is wrong.
Communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about reading your partner and adjusting your style to their needs.
Read also: 5 Tips for a Healthy Long Distance Relationship
3. Be Honest About Your Feelings Instead of Bottling Them Up
Being away from your partner can lead to many negative emotions. You might feel lonely, sad that your partner isn’t with you, worried about the future, angry about your current situation, anxious about the next time you’ll see them, or some other difficult feeling.
These feelings aren’t something you should be afraid to bring up to your partner. The more you both hide your emotions from each other, the more distance you will feel.
This is a common issue that many couples face. They don’t want to worry their partner or seem “needy,” so they keep their feelings to themselves.
But keeping your feelings hidden from your partner will not make them disappear. In fact, it will likely create more issues and disconnect between you two.
When something is bothering you, tell your partner. Explain that while you know things are good between you two, you’ve been feeling sad lately and would like for you both to work on feeling closer.
Not every conversation about your emotions has to lead to some huge discussion. Simply stating how you feel and what you need from your partner can prevent your relationship from drifting further apart.
Learn how to effectively communicate your feelings without accusing your partner of making you feel that way. Remember that you are a team and you both should want to resolve any emotional issues that may come up.
I recommend reading this article on honest communication if you struggle with sharing your feelings: How To Be Honest Without Hurting Your Partner’s Feelings.
4. Create Communication Expectations With Your Partner
A lot of problems in long distance relationships are rooted in misunderstandings or mismatched expectations.
One person in the relationship may feel like the other should call multiple times a day, but their partner is okay with just texting once a day.
Neither person is intentionally trying to hurt the other, but they both feel irritated because their needs are not being met.
To prevent this from happening, create communication guidelines with your partner.
Talk about how often you both like to talk, how often is too much, what times of day you’re usually free, etc.
Life happens. You might not always be able to make your morning calls. Creating communication guidelines doesn’t mean laying out strict rules that will make your relationship feel like a chore. It just allows you both to understand each other’s communication needs and preferences.
If you both know that you’re supposed to talk every morning but your partner didn’t get a chance to wake up early that day, you’ll understand that they didn’t ignore you on purpose. You’ll both feel secure knowing that you’ll hear from them that day.
Having a consistent communication schedule creates stability in a relationship. You’ll always know that you’ll hear from your partner, which will prevent you from overthinking every time they go silent for a few minutes.
Learn how to create healthy boundaries in relationships here.
5. Make Video Calls More Special
Video calling is such a blessing for long distance couples. Technology has allowed people to see each other through video chat, which is better than just listening to voices on the phone.
But if you’re like most couples, you probably use video calls as more of a “how’s your day going” update.
Both of you sit on the call not saying much while you do your own thing.
You’re physically apart, but instead of trying to feel close, you both just ignore each other.
Make the most out of your video calls by trying to experience as much as you can together.
Netflix and watch a movie at the same time while video chatting.
Eat dinner together at the same time and talk about your day.
Play online games together or plan relationship goals together.
Doing things together allows you both to feel like you’re actually experiencing life together even when you’re miles apart.
Little things can make video calls more romantic and allow you to feel connected. If your partner tells you about something funny that happened to them that day, smile and laugh together. Pay attention to their mood. Tell them you love them and things you appreciate about them.
The best part about video calling isn’t necessarily the length of the call. What matters most is that you both feel heard, seen, and connected while you’re on the call.
6. Don’t Turn Every Conversation Into a Discussion About the Relationship
Communication is important, but you two shouldn’t spend every waking moment talking about your relationship.
Unless you’re trying to solve a problem or discuss something specific about your relationship, talking about mundane things can help you both feel like you’re living your lives together, not just surviving the distance.
You shouldn’t feel like your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, etc. is only good for talking about your relationship.
They are your person! You should be able to text them about anything.
Tell them about funny stuff that happened to you that day.
Send them pictures of little things that remind you of them.
Tell them about that movie you used to love watching together.
Your partner is your rock, and you should be able to lean on them when you need to. Which brings me to my next point…
7. Practice Good Conflict Resolution
Arguments are going to happen. There’s no avoiding them, especially when you two spend all day thinking about each other.
The key to handling arguments in a long distance relationship is to not say something you’ll regret.
When you are upset and ready to explode, don’t send a text that you might later regret.
Things can be fixable over phone calls and video chats, but when you give your partner the ability to read your message a thousand times, misunderstandings are bound to happen.
Take a deep breath and calm yourself before fully responding to your partner.
Having a loving and healthy relationship is not about never fighting with your partner. Having a healthy relationship is about knowing how to fix things when you two do fight.
8. Schedule Virtual Dates
Don’t neglect the dating aspect of your relationship.
Make sure you two set some time aside to have a “date.”
Every relationship is different, but you should still make time to talk about more than just your relationship.
Sit down and schedule virtual dates into your calendar.
Talk about things you want to do when you’re no longer long distance and make a plan to get there.
Looking forward to something as a couple will keep you guys excited about your relationship and help you stay committed to closing the distance.
Relationships take work, but as long as you two are willing to put in the effort, your long distance relationship can survive.
Conclusion
Get Help Improving Communication In Your Long Distance Relationship
Long distance relationships are hard, but they can also be amazing if you both know how to properly communicate.
Distance may keep you apart physically, but it doesn’t have to hurt your relationship if you don’t let it.
The key is not spending every minute of the day talking to each other. Instead, make the minutes you do talk count.
Have quality conversations where you both feel understood and supported. Be honest with each other about your feelings and work together to create a happy, healthy relationship.
Trust that your partner loves you and is working towards a future with you too. If you need help learning how to communicate better with your partner, you can join my video coaching course, Improving Communication In Your Relationship.
FAQ
How often should long distance couples talk?
There isn’t a specific number of calls or texts you should have with your partner. Every couple is different, and you’ll have to figure out what works best for you and your partner.
Can a long distance relationship work without talking every day?
Yes, long distance relationships can work without talking every day. As long as both partners are on the same page with how much they wish to talk and they both feel satisfied with that decision, then it will work.
What is the number 1 problem couples have in a long distance relationship?
Every couple is different, but a common problem I’ve noticed is when one partner wants to spend more time together than their partner. It’s important for couples to communicate and know each other’s needs.
How do I keep my boyfriend/girlfriend interested when we’re long distance?
Make your conversations exciting by asking questions and talking about more than just the typical questions. Send them pictures and cute videos, plan fun virtual dates, etc.
How do you not get bored in a long distance relationship?
Talk to each other about things other than your relationship. Talk about your day, things that make you laugh, and enjoy life together even if it’s not in person.
My boyfriend/girlfriend is distant. How do I bring them closer?
Communicate with your partner. Talk to them and let them know that you’ve been feeling disconnected and that you want to work on being closer than before.
Do long distance couples fight more?
Not necessarily, but distance can cause issues in a relationship if you don’t know how to properly communicate. People in long distance relationships tend to overthink more since they don’t see each other every day.
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