As a relationship expert, I’ve learned one thing most women do not realize…
A lot of men who are not naturally romantic do not act that way because they don’t care. They love their wives very much, but they love in practical ways over emotional.
They work hard so they can provide.
They fix things that are broken around the house.
They make sure bills are paid and take on responsibility.
In their mind, they already are romantic.
However, love and romance do not equal each other. It is possible to love someone and not put forth regular romantic effort. When there is a lack of romance, it can make you feel emotionally distant from your husband even if your marriage is otherwise healthy.
Learning how to teach your husband to be romantic isn’t about changing who he is or turning him into a caricature of a boyfriend. It’s about letting him know what romance means to you so he can learn to give it to you in ways that fit his personality.
How to Teach Your Husband to Be Romantic
1. Stop Assuming He Knows What Romance Is To You
Men grow up just like we do. They have experiences and examples of what romance looks like. They do not automatically know what you consider romantic.
To you, romance might be getting random texts from your spouse in the middle of the day.
To you, romance might mean handwritten notes left in surprising places or affection during random parts of the day.
To your husband, romance might already mean providing for the family, paying bills, and doing things that keep everyone in your family feeling safe.
Stop making the assumption that he knows what you consider romantic.
Tell him specifically what you want to hear or experience.
“I feel loved when you hold my hand.”
“I really enjoy it when we make time to be together.”
Being vague about your needs allows room for excuse. Communicating effectively with your husband about your needs leaves little room for misunderstanding.
Read also: 45 Romantic Happy Birthday Messages to Boyfriend
2. Give Him Specific Examples Instead Of Hinting
In many relationships, the wife expects her husband to read her mind.
Instead of saying, “I wish you were more romantic.”
Say what that looks like to you.
“I wish you would leave me thoughtful messages during the day.”
“I wish you would plan a small something for us once in a while.”
Men are simpler than we often give them credit for. If you tell him exactly what you’re looking for, there is less room for misunderstanding.
The moment you ask someone to do something vague, it becomes guesswork. Tell him what you want, instead of expecting him to figure it out on his own.
You are not manipulating him by expressing your needs. You are showing him where to grow instead of trying to willfully confuse him with metaphors and rhetorical questions.
Read also: 19 Romantic Things to Do for Men
3. Reward Effort When He Does Something Romantic
If he makes an effort to do something romantic and you barely acknowledge it, why would he do it again?
Praise him when he does the little things.
“Wow babe, I really loved that you stopped to get me ice cream today.”
“Thank you so much for doing that. You made my day!”
When we express genuine gratitude for the effort someone puts forth, they will usually repeat it.
One of the biggest killers of romance in marriage is taking your partner for granted. Small gifts become less meaningful if you yell about how your husband never does anything for you every time he does something thoughtful.
Read also: 8 Signs You Are in a Romantic Friendship
4. Create Small Romantic Traditions Instead Of Waiting For Novelty
A lot of women dream of big romantic moments, but small things can mean just as much.
Sure, it would be nice if your husband planned a romantic weekend getaway for no reason. But is that realistic given your current life?
Trying to create romance out of nothing can be draining. Instead, create small romantic rituals that you and your husband can do together.
Take turns making each other’s coffee in the morning. Take a walk around your neighborhood without your phones.
Small things become romantic when they are repeated regularly. Don’t wait for your husband to become spontaneously romantic. Build it into your routine.
5. Avoid Criticizing Him If He Does Something Romantic “Wrong”
One of my coaching clients was having trouble getting her husband to be more romantic.
He would attempt something, but then she would automatically point out how he messed up.
“He should have taken me to that restaurant instead.”
“He knows I hate those colors. He should have known that.”
“He could have done better than that.”
If your husband tries something romantic and you attack him for not doing it correctly, he will likely stop trying.
Remember this principle.
People do not repeat behaviors they get criticized for.
If you want your husband to improve in the romance department, allow him to fail sometimes. Rome was not built in a day, and neither is romantic progress.
6. Show Him Romance Instead Of Simply Talking About It
There is nothing wrong with telling your husband what you want to hear or experience.
But sometimes actions speak louder than words.
If you want your husband to be more romantic, be romantic toward him.
Leave him a love note. Send him a cute text message. Plan a surprise date for the two of you.
I’m not suggesting you do all the work and hope he catches on. I’m suggesting you show him what you want.
Often times, we want our husbands to listen to us describe what we want so they can magically interpret that into action. But men and women think differently.
Sometimes learning is more about experiencing something than just hearing about it.
7. Remove Pressure And Avoid Turning Romance Into Homework
Nothing kills romance faster than making it feel like a performance review.
Some wives repeatedly say things like:
“You never do anything romantic.”
“Other husbands do more.”
“You are terrible at this.”
“You need to change.”
Those statements usually create pressure, defensiveness, and feelings of failure. A husband who feels constantly criticized may eventually avoid trying altogether because he assumes he will disappoint you anyway.
Instead, focus on invitation rather than accusation.
Try saying:
“I love feeling close to you.”
“I miss our fun moments together.”
“I love when we make time for each other.”
That approach pulls him toward connection rather than pushing him away with pressure.
8. Learn His Love Language and Work With His Natural Style
Would you tell a husband who has a logical mind to start “being more emotional?”
Of course not.
You would find what matters to him logically and help him meet your needs that way.
The same principle applies to romance.
Maybe your husband is a very physical person. He likes touch but has never been good at words.
You can still teach him to be romantic by having him hold your hand. Pushing him to write you love notes every day might be pointless because that is not how his mind works.
Understand how he naturally thinks and learn how to show him romance in a way that will resonate with him.
Conclusion
Marriage does not require grand romantic gestures to be filled with love.
If your husband is not romantic, try showing him how to be instead of expecting him to know what you want without communication.
Show him what matters to you. Thank him when he does the small things. Build romance into your regular routine. Stop tearing him down when he attempts to help.
Want more romance in your marriage? Start putting in the effort.
Simple actions will always mean more when done consistently than going months without hearing your partner say something sweet to you.
FAQ
Can my husband learn to be romantic?
Absolutely. Unless your husband is a sociopath, he can learn what matters to you romantically and meet your needs with effort.
What if my husband thinks romance isn’t necessary?
Men and women view romance differently. Help him understand that keeping the romance alive does not mean expensive gifts or grandiose gestures. It can be as simple as sending a cute text to your wife.
Should I stop expecting romance in my marriage?
No. There is no reason why being married means your partner will stop trying to make you feel special.
My husband never does anything romantic. What do I do?
If you have been placing 100% of the romantic effort on yourself, tell him that. Let him know how you feel using I statements and minimal accusations.
How long will it take until my husband becomes romantic?
Some husbands pick things up quickly, while others may take time and repetition to get used to. As long as he is trying, don’t be afraid to show him the areas you think need improvement.
Will constant criticism stop my husband from trying?
Eventually, it will. A healthy amount of criticism is okay, but if you’re tearing your husband down every chance you get, he will get discouraged and may not want to try anymore. Praise should outweigh negativity in a romantic relationship.
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