I’ve talked to many clients who’ve ended marriages that drained them emotionally. I remember talking to one woman who had been divorced for almost two years. She had a great job, friends who supported her, and a fresh start.
And yet, she questioned herself every day.
She would replay arguments in her head. Try to decipher what she said or did to “push him away.” Even though her marriage was over, she was mentally and emotionally carrying her husband around everywhere she went.
The most confusing part? Her ex husband couldn’t see her or say another hurtful word to her. But his narcissistic influence still impacted how she felt about herself.
Recovering from a narcissistic marriage can leave you with more questions than answers. One relationship ends, but the scars and emotional tug of war can continue to haunt you. Even after all the confusion is over, you may continue to doubt yourself.
It’s normal to feel this way after healing from trauma. Healing won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. If you were in a narcissistic marriage, these six steps can help you find your confidence, peace, and a healthier tomorrow.
Healing After a Narcissistic Marriage: 6 Steps to Recovery
1. Accept That What Happened Was Real
Leaving a narcissistic marriage can create a push pull between wanting to accept what happened and questioning your memories. You may ask yourself:
Did things really happen the way I remember them happening?
If you’ve found yourself questioning your memories, know that you’re not alone. Many people spend months or years talking themselves out of what happened in their relationship. One reason we do this is because our narcissistic partner likely told us it didn’t happen, didn’t believe us, or twisted the events to suit their needs.
The truth is your healing process will be slowed down as long as you question what happened. Accept the abuse, manipulation, and unhealthy behaviors that were present in your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to stay angry with your ex forever. But you do have to allow yourself to accept what happened before you can forgive and move on.
Understanding emotional abuse can help you understand your relationship wasn’t healthy, even if your ex convinced you otherwise.
Read also: 50 Powerful Narcissistic Quotes About Relationships
2. Stop Looking for Closure From Your Ex
Did you find yourself giving your ex countless chances to apologize or explain their behavior? Many people stay stuck in healing because they hope their narcissistic partner will finally give them the apology they deserve.
An apology would feel amazing. Who wouldn’t want the person who hurt them to admit they were wrong?
But here’s the thing about narcissists: they rarely take accountability for their actions. Even if they did apologize, which is unlikely, would you ever feel whole again? True closure comes from within. While hearing your ex acknowledge their mistakes would validate your feelings, it will not heal you.
Your healing journey starts when you realize you don’t need them to heal. Your future does not need to be dictated by someone who refused to take accountability in the past.
Once you focus on your own healing instead of their mistakes, you are one step closer to growth.
Read also: 15 Characteristics of a Narcissistic Individual
3. Rebuild Trust in Yourself
Do you find yourself doubting your every decision now? Questioning everything your ex told you about yourself?
When you spend years with a partner who tried to convince you everything was your fault, you may find yourself questioning everything you know to be true. Rebuilding trust in yourself can feel impossible, but it’s one of the most important parts of healing.
Try to trust yourself with the small things. When you listen to your intuition and your instincts prove you right, you’ll slowly begin to build your confidence back up. Remember, you weren’t incapable of trusting yourself before the marriage. You just learned how not to trust yourself along the way.
With time and patience, you can trust yourself again.
Read also: 15 Important Questions to Ask Before Dating Someone Seriously
4. Allow Yourself to Grieve Fully
You may not “deserve” to feel sad because your marriage ended due to circumstances beyond your control. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve your marriage.
You don’t just lose the partner you fell in love with in these relationships. Sometimes you grieve the future you had imagined, the dreams you built together, and the years you spent hoping they would change.
Allow yourself to feel all of those emotions. Some days you will feel angry. Some days you will feel empty. That is okay. Healing comes when you allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than bottling them up.
5. Create Stronger Boundaries Than Ever Before
Boundaries were probably nonexistent in your narcissistic relationship. As you heal from your marriage, learning how to set and keep boundaries will become more important than ever.
Not just with your ex. With future partners, friends, family, and even your workplace.
Start to recognize your uncomfortable feelings. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Don’t feel obligated to explain yourself every time you create a boundary. Remember that looking after yourself is not selfish. It’s necessary.
Building your healthy boundaries will allow you to weed out relationships that don’t serve you in the future.
6. Focus on Becoming the Person You Lost Along the Way
It’s common to feel like you lost a part of yourself when you left your marriage. You may have given up hobbies you loved, personal goals that made you happy, and spent so much time comforting your partner that you forgot how to comfort yourself.
Part of healing is remembering who you are outside of that relationship. Spend time with friends that make you happy. Dive into hobbies you used to love. Set goals that have nothing to do with proving yourself to your ex.
True healing allows you to build a life bigger than the pain you experienced at the hands of your narcissistic partner. Healing isn’t about just surviving what happened to you, it’s about creating a future you can be excited to live.
Conclusion
Healing is not linear. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Other days, you may unexpectedly slide back into those needy emotions your ex used to prey on. And that is okay.
Continue to accept what happened to you. Stop waiting for someone who will probably never give you closure. Trust yourself again. Allow yourself to grieve your marriage.
Create healthy boundaries with everyone in your life. And most importantly, remember the incredible person you are underneath it all.
FAQ
How long does it take to heal after a narcissistic marriage?
Every single person is different. Some people feel better after a year, while others need multiple years to process everything. Your timeline for healing depends on numerous factors.
Why do I still think about my ex even though we had an unhealthy marriage?
It’s completely normal to still think about your ex, even if you know the relationship was unhealthy. You could be processing your emotions, grieving your future, or even trying to understand why they treated you the way they did.
Thinking about your ex doesn’t mean you want them back.
Can I go to therapy after a narcissistic marriage?
Absolutely. In fact, many people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse in relationships find therapy one of the most helpful healing processes. Therapy can help you process your emotions, regain your confidence, and learn how to build healthy relationships in the future.
Will I ever be able to trust another person again?
You will. However, it will take time. As you heal and create strong boundaries for yourself, you will slowly start to recognize healthy patterns in other people.
What’s the biggest mistake people make after leaving a narcissistic marriage?
Oscillating between loving and hating their ex. So much time and energy is put into understanding their ex instead of focusing on themselves. While it can be helpful to gain a better understanding of your relationship, healing usually comes when you stop focusing on them and start focusing on you.
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