It’s funny how life has a way of teaching us things if we pay attention. A few years ago, I had this conversation with someone who truly believed they were a “good friend.” Like most selfish people do, they proudly proclaimed it. But as they continued talking, I slowly realized something was off. Every single anecdote was focused on what somebody did for THEM. How someone disappointed THEM. How someone didn’t show up for THEM. They never mentioned a single time that they did anything for someone else.
It struck me then because everything just clicked. Most selfish people don’t view themselves as selfish. In fact, they think they’re the opposite. If you know someone like that, you know exactly how draining and frustrating it can be to deal with them.
You start to question yourself. Are you asking too much of them? Maybe you should be more understanding. Patient. Accommodating. So you do. And the more you give, the more they take. Slowly, you start to feel invisible in a relationship that should be two-sided.
Sound familiar?
If so, GREAT news. The problem isn’t you; it’s that you’re dealing with someone who hasn’t learned how to show up for others the right way. And the best part? You don’t have to change who you are to deal with selfish people. You just have to change how you respond to them. Let’s take these ideas and break them down into actions that you can actually use every day.
8 Smart Ways to Deal With Selfish People
1. Recognize Selfish Behavior Without Excusing It
The first step to dealing with selfish people is accepting what you’re dealing with. Sounds dumb, but this is where most people fail. You make excuses for them. You justify their actions. “They didn’t mean to” or “they were just having a bad day” enter your vocabulary more often than you’d like to admit. But when someone continually shows you the same behavior, it stops being careless and starts being purposeful—whether they realize it or not.
Do you always seem to be talking about YOU when you’re around them? Do they ask how you’re doing so that they can immediately shift the focus back to themselves? Do they expect you to be there for their problems, but ghost you when you need support?
These aren’t little things. Excuses. If it keeps happening, it’s a problem. And the longer you allow it to continue, the more you allow yourself to be part of a one-sided relationship. Call it. Own it. There’s no need to be vague or subtle when you know the truth. You’re not looking to make them feel better; you’re looking to change your reaction around them. Understanding your reality empowers you because you stop questioning “What did I do?” and start realizing this is just how they are.
Read also: How to Do a Personal Development Plan
2. Stop Trying to Over-Give So They’ll Treat You Better
Handy fact about selfish people: the more you give, the worse they treat you. I know, I know, we’ve all been raised to believe you “should” give your all in relationships. That you help others before you help yourself. Trust me, I’m the king of people-pleasing. But giving all of yourself to someone who shows you none of themselves will never balance out. In fact, it’ll train them to believe that what you have to give isn’t enough.
If you’re the type of person who cares more than others can see, trust me, selfish people will thrive off of that. Sure, they’ll smile and thank you. But that’s because they know you’ll continue to show up time and time again because that’s what you do. Relationships aren’t give-and-take. People aren’t born selfish and then magically unselfish because you’ve been nice to them. That’s where you insert emotional boundaries.
Ask yourself—is this genuine care, or do I just want them to see me? When you shift your mindset from pleasing others to setting boundaries with others, you learn the difference between giving and over-giving. And that’s when you begin to stop giving JUST to give.
Read also: How to Make Boundaries – 10 Steps
3. Set Clear Boundaries…And Don’t You Dare Back Down
You ever notice how selfish people tend to take up way more space than they should? That’s because if you let them, they will. But you’re the manager of your own space, and you define what goes in and what stays out. Setting boundaries with selfish people is your responsibility. They are NOT obligated to treat you any differently if you decide to. But you are obligated to yourself to walk away when someone continually ignores your limits.
Boundaries don’t have to be grand speeches where you emotionally tear them down. Sometimes all you need to say is “I’m not available for that” or “I can’t do this if I’m only giving.” And you know what? That’s all you have to say. YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF OR ARGUE…YOU JUST SET THE boundary, and then you actually listen to yourself and do what you said.
THEY test you because that’s what selfish people do. They feel secure when others feel drained. But when you show up for yourself enough times, they’ll stop testing you. And when they do that one-sided behavior? You walk. Period.
4. Don’t Expect Them to Magically Change Overnight
Listen, we’ve all been there. You know someone is being selfish about something, and you lay it out for them. CLEAR. THINGS. But for some reason, they STILL don’t get it. You think if you explain yourself one more time, they’ll suddenly have a breakthrough and know EXACTLY how you feel.
Spoiler alert: they won’t.
Habit is a powerful thing, and selfishness is no exception. Understanding that they’re not going to change until THEY want to change is a liberating feeling. Why? Because you take that energy you spend trying to FIX them and put it into HOW you react to them.
Let’s use emotional intelligence as an example. If someone you know is selfish about your emotions (they don’t listen, they undermine you, they disrespect your feelings), you can only say so much to help them “learn.” But that doesn’t mean you have to allow them to treat you that way forever. You engage with them from a place of reality instead of hope. You don’t expect them to meet your needs that they’ve shown time and time again they won’t meet. Doing this alone will save you so much heartache and frustration.
5. Speak Up When They Cross Your Boundaries
There is a right way and a wrong way to call someone out on their selfish behavior. You can’t walk up to them—BOOM! You’re selfish!—and expect them to respond well. They’ll get defensive. They’ll make excuses. They’ll avoid you completely. But that doesn’t help you or your relationship with them. What DOES help is calmly explaining how their actions made you feel.
Instead of saying “you never listen to me,” say “I’ve noticed that when I talk about ____, you seem to change the subject and I don’t get to finish my thoughts. When that happens, I feel unheard.”
See the difference? This is healthy communication at its finest because you’re holding them accountable without screaming “YOU’RE SELFISH!” Statements like this force them to acknowledge their behavior because you pointed it out WITHOUT attacking them. And when you don’t attack them, they’re more likely to hear you.
6. Stop Putting So Much Emotional Stock Into Them
Newsflash: not everyone deserves the same amount of time, energy, and emotion you’re willing to give. Sorry, not sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. When you continue to give ALL of yourself to someone who shows HALF of themselves, you’re destined for disappointment.
Putting less emotional stock into someone doesn’t mean you don’t care about them at all. What it means is you’re cutting back on how much you let them in. You stop oversharing with someone who never asks you about your day. You stop calling on them when you’re upset because they’ve proven they’re nowhere to be found when you need them. Slowly but surely, you begin to detach from them emotionally.
Another perk? You’re placing value on your own self-respect in relationships. You’re saying, “This person is not going to drain me because I know my worth.” And that, right there, is why this step is important.
7. Distance Yourself If You Have To
Unfortunately, some people just don’t care. And you know what? That’s okay. Sometimes you do everything you can to help someone and they still refuse to listen. If you’ve tried your best to communicate and you’re still met with selfish excuses, it might be time to remove yourself from the situation.
This doesn’t always mean cutting them off completely. Sometimes distance looks like seeing them every other weekend instead of every weekend. Or checking in with them over text instead of asking them to hang in person.
Distance creates space for you. Space to reflect on the situation, space to calm down, and space to find yourself again. It also shows people without you having to say a word. They notice you’ve “ghosted” them (because that’s literally what selfish people love to think you did), and suddenly they care. But more importantly, you learn to care about yourself enough to step back and reclaim your peace.
8. Fill Your Life With Balanced Relationships
Lucky for you, not everybody is selfish. There are people out there who care just as much about you as you do about them. People who listen. Empathize. Support. Show up.
The more you fill your life with these kinds of people, the more you’ll notice the difference. You start to realize how GOOD it feels to have a balanced relationship, which leads to your standards increasing over time. You won’t tolerate people who drain you anymore because you know what it feels like to be supported.
Surround yourself with people who know how to communicate and show you what healthy relationships should look like. It changes everything.
Conclusion
Understanding how to deal with selfish people starts with you. You have to know your worth, know your boundaries, and know when to walk away if they continue to disrespect them.
The more you practice these steps, the easier it becomes to not let selfish people take up space in your life.
They won’t know how to react because you WON’T react the way they’re used to. And with time, those who care about YOU will flood your life, and you’ll wonder why you allowed selfish people to bring you down in the first place.
FAQs
Why do selfish people act this way?
Most of the time, they lack awareness and have learned patterns where their needs always come first.
Can selfish people change?
Yes, but only if they choose to recognize their behavior and actively work on it.
How do I stop feeling drained around them?
Set clear boundaries, reduce emotional investment, and limit your exposure when necessary.
Is it wrong to distance myself from selfish people?
No. Protecting your peace and mental health should always come first.
What’s the most important thing to remember?
You don’t need to change who you are—you just need to change how you respond.
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