One day, I was talking to this married guy. He wasn’t complaining. He didn’t blame his wife for anything going wrong. All he said was, “She’s just not kind to me anymore… and honestly, I don’t think she even realizes it.”
This comment has stuck with me for years because nobody wakes up and decides, “Hey, today I’m going to be a mean wife.” It happens slowly over time with little moments of frustration, poor communication, defensiveness, stress, etc. And before you know it… you snap at him. You withhold affection. You argue about meaningless things. And he starts withdrawing from you emotionally and physically.
So if any of this sounds familiar… please know that I’m not saying these things to attack you. In fact, I want to encourage you. Because if you’re reading this, I know you want better for your marriage. I want better for yours too.
The problem is, sometimes your husband isn’t the only person who needs to change how they show up for your marriage. YOU do too.
If you want your husband to treat you with more respect, kindness, and affection… you have to do the same for him.
Let’s take a look at some of the things you may not realize are happening to YOU that are pushing your husband away…
8 Signs You Are a Mean Wife Without Knowing It
1. You Constantly Criticize Him Instead of Building Him Up
Do you and your husband have conversations where you focus more on the negative things he’s doing or how he could be doing better, rather than praising the things he DOES do right?
This might not seem like a big deal to you. In fact, you may even think your husband should be used to your criticism by now. But trust me when I say this type of behavior will slowly kill his spirit. He will no longer feel like your partner, but rather a person you are trying to change.
Whenever he does something that you’re proud of, encourage him. Tell him. Show him. And when he does something that could be improved upon, gently guide him in the right direction.
Constructive criticism is fine every once in a while, but if you find yourself pointing out EVERYTHING your husband does wrong, that’s a problem. And it damages healthy communication patterns.
Read also: How to Be a Good Wife (8 Practical Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage)
2. You Talk To Him With Disrespect Or An Attitude
Do you ever feel like the tone you talk to your husband with is worse than what you actually say?
Letting things like sarcasm, eye-rolling, cold attitudes, and harsh tones slip into your normal way of speaking causes distance. Whether you mean to or not, your husband will feel insignificant, disrespected, and unappreciated when you talk to him like that.
And chances are, you may not even realize you’re doing it. Because for you, it’s become normal. But that doesn’t make it okay.
Look, just because YOU don’t notice your disrespectful tones doesn’t mean he doesn’t hear them. If your husband seems closed off during conversations with you, or tries not to “butt in” on whatever you’re saying as much as possible – it could be because he doesn’t want to deal with your attitude.
All marriages have rough patches where you fight more than you don’t. But shouting, screaming, speaking poorly to each other, etc. is not normal or okay.
If you have to raise your voice to be heard, you’re probably saying things you’ll regret later. Focus on productive, HEALTHY communication with your partner instead of pushing your advantage.
Read also: 10 Ways to Deal With Separation in Marriage
3. You Ignore His Feelings Or Try To Make Everything About You
Let’s say your husband came to you and told you something was bothering him. How do you respond?
Do you…
Tell him how that thing he’s worried about doesn’t matter?
Make everything about how YOU feel?
Or…
Validate his feelings and talk to him about it?
These small moments are where most marriages unconsciously drive a wedge between each other. When husbands come to their wives for guidance or support and all they get is “it’s not a big deal” or “well, if you weren’t ___ this wouldn’t be happening” – they stop trusting that their wife has their back.
Be supportive of your husband when he needs you to be. Ask questions, don’t assume you know how he feels, and SHOW interest in what’s happening for him.
Relationships are about two people coming together to support each other – not one person bending themselves out of shape to fit their partner’s needs.
Read also: 5 Things Women Do When They Feel Invisible in Their Marriage
4. You Stall and Give Him The Silent Treatment
Your husband said something that upset you. What’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Yelling? Name-calling?
Giving him the silent treatment?
If you’re guilty of ANY of the above – STOP. Pausing to collect your thoughts is one thing, but everything else is completely unacceptable in a marriage.
The silent treatment is one of the most disrespectful and unnecessary punishments you can give your partner.
You wouldn’t go to your husband and bang pots and pans while screaming at the top of your lungs. So why would you think it’s okay for him to do that to you?
Arguing is normal, but learning healthy ways to fight is what successful marriages do. If you feel like you’re constantly yelling, screaming, and giving each other the silent treatment – something needs to change.
5. You Don’t Show Him Appreciation
When was the last time you told your husband you appreciated everything he does for you?
I’m not just talking about the big things, but the little things he does that most partners wouldn’t think twice about.
Lack of appreciation is one of the leading causes of resentment in a marriage. Your husband does things for you ALL DAY LONG, but if he never feels like you notice or care – he’s going to stop trying.
Call him at work and tell him you loved that he cleaned the house while you were at your mom’s.
Leave him a sweet note in his lunch telling him you can’t wait to see him later that day.
Take the trash out because the last time you did, he did it for you.
There are a million little things you can do to show your husband you appreciate him. If you’ve been taking his effort FOR GRANTED – that’s going to change.
6. You Try To Control Him
Do you tell your husband what to do? How to act? When to do things? etc.
This, again, might not click for you because you think you’re only looking out for his best interest. But the truth is, controlling your husband’s every move will stifle him.
You’re not his mother. You’re his partner.
You don’t want to wake up one day and realize you have no idea who your husband is outside of your marriage. Trust me when I say that controlling your partner’s every move will kill their spirit.
Yes, you should be able to VOICE your opinions and concerns when something isn’t right. But you cannot CONTROL how your partner reacts.
Let him be his own person.
7. You Hold Grudges
Does every fight you and your husband have seem to regress back to mistakes he made in the past?
The second biggest mistake you can make in a marriage is HOLDING grudges. I know, saying “I forgive you” is easier said than done. But you aren’t forgiven unless you LET IT GO.
Don’t drag up every mistake your partner has made in the past every time you argue.
It creates unnecessary frustration because your husband will feel like no matter what he does, he’s always going to be “punished” for something he did before.
Forgiveness is a HUGE part of maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. If you’re constantly bringing up things your husband said/did in the past to reinforce your argument – stop.
Grow up and learn to forgive and forget.
8. You Stop Being Kind To Him
Kindness. There’s your magic word.
If you look back at all the points I made above – lack of kindness is what ties EVERY single one of them together.
You stop being kind through your words, your actions, and your facial expressions.
You know that cold look you give your husband when he’s REALLY messed up? He knows it too, and it hurts his feelings.
If you’re no longer KIND to your husband – you’re going to push him away emotionally and physically.
Think about how you speak to your husband on a day-to-day basis. Are you kind? Or could you be better?
Physical attraction is overrated when there is no emotion or kindness involved.
Relationships are hard. They’re work. But if you and your husband can learn to be kind to one another through the good and the bad – you’ll have a solid foundation to work from.
I don’t care if you fell madly in love at the flicker of an eye or it took you YEARS to fall for your partner. Romance and attraction are temporary.
What will keep you together is the small moments when you BOTH choose each other, every single day.
Until next time.
Peace. 💕
FAQ
Can being mean to your wife destroy your marriage?
Yes. Consistently showing up for your marriage with disrespect, frustration, and anger will cause your husband to want to pull away from you emotionally and physically.
What if I didn’t know I was being mean?
Honestly, most people don’t realize it until it’s too late. We get comfortable in our ways of doing things that we forget there’s another person feeling the effects of our actions too.
Is this really my fault?
Of course not. But for argument’s sake, let’s say it is your fault 50% of the time. Isn’t it better for you to actually know what you’re doing wrong so you can fix it? You owe that to yourself AND your husband.
Will my husband forgive me for being mean?
If you STOP being mean to him and SHOW UP for your marriage – absolutely!
All humans make mistakes. But if you’re willing to OWN up to yours and CHANGE your behavior – your husband will forgive you.
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