One thing I noticed while reading books on relationships and learning why some couples succeed while others fail was that a lot of people didn’t realize they were in controlling relationships until someone else pointed it out to them.
I had one woman come to me and tell me that her boyfriend was “just protective.” After hearing everything she said, at first I agreed. He cared where she was, who she was with, and when she would be home. But as she continued to explain things, he got mad when she would make plans without him. He questioned why she had so many guy friends and wanted her to text him anytime she made a decision, even if it was something small.
That’s when she realized she was in a controlling relationship.
One thing I learned early on as a relationship expert is that controlling behavior rarely starts big. Controlling partners often begin with small gestures that seem harmless or even flattering. Over time, those gestures evolve into something bigger, and suddenly you feel like you have no independence but don’t know how you got there.
Every relationship should be built on trust, respect, and freedom. Your boyfriend should want you to be yourself around him. He shouldn’t make you feel like you have to ask permission to live your life. If you’ve been questioning whether or not your boyfriend might be crossing some lines, read on for six signs he might be controlling you.
6 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Controlling
1. He Tries to Control Who You Spend Time With
Does your boyfriend get jealous or upset when you hang out with other people? One of the biggest red flags of a controlling boyfriend is when he tries to decide who you can and can’t spend time with.
At first, it may just be him saying he doesn’t like your friend “Sam” or he thinks your family are idiots. But then he may build off those comments by refusing to hang out with you unless Sam comes too, or constantly asking you why you listen to your family.
Before you know it, you no longer make plans with your friends without him because you just don’t want to deal with the anxiety of him flipping out.
Healthy boyfriends know you need strong relationships with other people. While they may wish you spent every waking moment with them, a good partner understands that your friends and family will always be important parts of your life.
Read also: 5 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Secretly Jealous of Your Success
2. He Constantly Checks Up on You
It’s normal for you and your boyfriend to check in on each other during the day. Asking how your day is going or making sure you got home safely are both signs of a caring boyfriend.
However, if he wants to know your location at all times, expects you to reply to his texts immediately, or gets angry when you don’t answer your phone, that’s no longer love, that’s control.
Another form of this behavior includes your boyfriend wanting you to give him your passwords, read his messages, or go through his phone when he’s not around. He may tell you, “If you have nothing to hide, why do you care?”
Remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, not spying. Having privacy does not equal being secretive.
Read also: 7 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Obsessed With You
3. He Makes You Feel Guilty for Having a Life Outside of the Relationship
Your boyfriend shouldn’t want all of your time, attention, and energy all of the time. In fact, if he does, he’ll probably make you feel terrible whenever you spend time away from him.
He may say things to you like, “You don’t care about me,” or, “You always care about other people before me.” He may even ignore you when you do something that doesn’t include him.
Healthy partners encourage you and your hobbies. They are happy for you when you spend time with your family or friends. A controlling boyfriend will try to convince you that having a life outside of your relationship is selfish when it’s actually the complete opposite.
You can love someone and spend time with them every day without spending every waking moment with that person. Someone who loves you will want you to continue doing what you love. They won’t make you feel guilty for bettering yourself or spending time with loved ones.
Read also: 30 Day Boyfriend Challenge to Fall Even More in Love
4. He Has to Make Every Decision
In every relationship, there will be times when you have to compromise. Maybe you want to eat Mexican for dinner, but he wants pizza. You’ll each have to give and take when making decisions in order for things to work. That doesn’t mean every decision he makes has to be what you do too.
Contrary to that, many controlling boyfriends think their opinion is the only one that matters. You go where he wants to go. You do what he wants to do. You only hang out with people he likes. You maybe even can’t express an opinion on something because he automatically knows what you want.
If you speak up about something he wants, he may tear down your opinion or become angry until you give in. Pretty soon, you stop giving your opinion because it feels like it won’t be heard anyway.
Healthy relationships allow both partners to feel heard and respected. You should have just as much say as he does.
5. He Uses Jealousy to Justify His Behavior
Jealousy and love are two very different things. I know plenty of people who think they’re the same, but they’re not. Having a little jealousy here and there is normal. Using jealousy to manipulate you is not.
A boyfriend that uses jealousy as an excuse for controlling behavior will accuse you of cheating on him when you don’t glance his way in the grocery store. He may even get mad when you talk to another guy.
Sometimes he’ll try to justify the behavior by telling you it’s because he cares about you.
If someone loves you, their jealousy will not scare you or make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. Healthy love is built on mutual respect, not fear.
6. You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells Around Him
This may be the biggest sign that your boyfriend is trying to control you. How do you feel around him? Do you feel like you can be yourself?
Loving someone should never make you feel as if you constantly have to monitor what you say. You shouldn’t hide things from your partner because you’re scared he’ll freak out over something harmless.
If you have to think twice about every decision you make because you’re scared of how he will react, that’s not healthy. You should feel comfortable and secure in your relationship, not like you’re constantly trying not to upset your boyfriend.
Someone that loves you will want you to be yourself around them. They won’t try to control how you think or act.
What You Should Do
Just because you may have caught your boyfriend in some controlling behavior, that doesn’t mean your relationship is over. But what it does mean is that something needs to change.
The first thing you should do if you think your boyfriend might be controlling you is open your eyes and admit that he is. Don’t make excuses for his behavior.
Speak to him about it if he’ll allow you to. Tell him the behaviors you’ve noticed and how they make you feel when he does them. A lot of people aren’t aware that they’re being controlling until someone else points it out to them. If he loves you, hearing you might be hurting his girlfriend will light a light bulb for him.
If he continues the behavior after you talk to him about it, or gets defensive, angry, or blames you when you try to talk to him, listen to those signs and take them seriously.
You deserve to be with someone that will respect your boundaries, trust you, and build a healthy relationship with you. Don’t settle for less than you deserve because that boyfriend will only bring you more heartache in the long run.
Don’t forget to stay connected with friends and family. Lots of times, controlling boyfriends will try to isolate their partners so they won’t talk to anyone else. By allowing yourself to stay connected with your support system, you’re allowing yourself to have other outlets when you need advice or someone to lean on.
Conclusion
Love does not suck the independence out of you little by little. A boyfriend should want you to become more confident every day with him, not make you feel small and like you have no say in your life.
You should never have to give up your peace, freedom, or self worth to keep someone else happy. If you’ve been compromising these things to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend, then it might be time to reevaluate if he’s really the right one for you.
Controlling partners know exactly what they’re doing. But they disguise it as love in the beginning, which is why you may not have noticed the signs until now.
Real love won’t demand access to your phone, make you cut off all contact with your friends, or question your every move. If you noticed any of these signs in your relationship, something needs to change.
Pick up on the patterns, not the small things. Communicate how his behavior makes you feel and do what’s best for your emotional health. You deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and freedom.
The right person will never make you feel like you need his permission to live your life. He’ll stand by your side, support you, and love you enough to let you be exactly who you are.
Save the pin for later
