I’ve been studying relationships and interviewing people hurting from breakups for years. One breakup story has stuck with me above all the rest.
“I know he’s bad for me, but I can’t let him go.”
My heart ached for this woman, sure. But what hurt more was knowing how many people feel exactly this way about their exes.
We think breaking up with a toxic partner is as simple as deciding to walk away. But there’s far more to it than that.
Your relationship doesn’t just affect your heart. It changes how you think, view yourself, and what you believe you deserve. When you spend enough time with constant criticism, manipulation, empty promises, or emotional roller coasters, you form an attachment. Letting go of that attachment suddenly becomes much more difficult, even when you know he’s hurting you. You know you should move on, but you still find yourself missing him.
If that’s where you find yourself today, know that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting you ever loved him. Letting go means prioritizing your wellbeing over a relationship that drags you down every chance it gets.
Yes, healing your heart will take time. But it is possible. Follow these six steps to learn how to stop missing a toxic boyfriend and start building the healthy life you deserve.
6 Effective Ways to Heal and Let Go of a Toxic Boyfriend
1. Accept That Loving Him Doesn’t Mean He’s Good for You
Accepting that you were unhealthy for each other was probably hard. Accepting that he may never be the partner you want or need can be equally difficult.
You love your boyfriend. You love the good times, you remember all the promises he made to you, and you want to believe he’ll grow into who you know he can be. But loving someone will not fix an unhealthy relationship.
You may stay because you feel like you ought to. You tell yourself that if you loved him enough, you should be able to fight for him no matter how badly he makes you feel. Toxic relationships survive off this hope. You think tomorrow will be different because he apologized. He was kind for a week. He treated you how you used to like for a moment. Those good moments make you forget about all the not so good ones.
Next time you find yourself questioning whether you should stay, ask yourself this: Is this relationship bringing me closer to the healthy, happy person I want to be? If the answer is no, you may love him, but that doesn’t mean he’s good for you.
Read also: 17 Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Toxic
2. Stop Romanticizing the Good Moments While Ignoring the Bad Ones
It’s funny how your brain works after a breakup. All you can think about are the trips you took, laughing so hard your stomach hurt, sweet texts he sent you randomly, or those rare nights when everything felt perfect.
But the hurtful texts, manipulation, disrespect, lies, broken trust, and tears? Your brain tends to gloss over those.
However good your relationship was, it was toxic. If it was healthy 100 percent of the time, you wouldn’t be here needing to let go.
Those good times are what keep you hanging on. They allow you to believe that there is something worthy of fighting for in your relationship. They create false hope that he will suddenly become the person you fell in love with months or even years ago.
But that version of him is probably gone. Chances are, the healthy relationship you remember isn’t as healthy as you remember it being.
Whenever you catch yourself missing him, take a moment and remember why you left. Write down every moment that made you cry. Write down every moment that made you question your self worth or made you lose your peace. You’re not doing this to stay mad at him forever. You’re doing this so you don’t forget why you had to walk away in the first place.
Read also: 7 Ways to Stop Being a Toxic Person
3. Cut Off Contact Long Enough for Your Heart to Heal
So many people tell me they’ll never find someone else. They can’t imagine life without their exes by their side.
But the truth is, they never try. They text him every chance they get. They creep on social media. They fall asleep talking or agree to be friends before they’re ready.
Every time you see his name pop up on your phone or talk things over, you tear your healing heart wide open again.
No contact doesn’t mean you should yell at your ex or cut them out of your life forever. Instead, no contact means allowing yourself enough time to heal so you can one day form a healthy relationship with him, whether that be as a friend or not at all.
Think about when you skin your knee. You don’t go around poking the wound every day, do you? Of course not. That’s called delaying healing. Your heart works the same way.
It may mean deleting his conversations, unfollowing him on social media, taking pictures of the two of you out of your phone, or learning to say no when he asks to meet up. It will feel extreme at first. But allowing yourself time to heal is a beautiful act of self love and respect.
Read also: 8 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
4. Rebuild the Parts of Yourself the Relationship Took Away
When you spend months with a toxic partner, it rarely destroys your emotions. It strips you of your confidence, independence, hobbies, friendships, and identity.
You stopped doing things you loved because you were always busy trying to keep your boyfriend happy. You may have even become someone you never intended on becoming just to avoid the arguments. When that happens, healing doesn’t just mean you have to learn how to let go. You also have to learn how to find yourself again.
Who were you before him? What made you happy? What goals did you put on hold? Who were the friends you spent less time with? When was the last time you did something for yourself?
Start doing tiny things that bring you back to you. Spend more time with friends that lift you up. Pick hobbies back up. Set goals for yourself. Focus on your physical health. All these things will remind you that who you are without your ex mattered before he came along, and it still does now.
Fill your life with the things that made YOU happy and watch how incredible you feel when you begin putting YOURSELF first.
5. Stop Waiting for Closure He May Never Give You
“I can’t let him go until he apologizes.”
“I need him to say X, Y, Z before I can move on.”
If you had to pick one reason people struggle to let go of their exes, I think waiting for closure would be it.
We sit around waiting for our exes to man up and do the right thing. Send that text we’ve all wanted to read. Apologize for hurting us. Promise they’ll never hurt us again.
Except they probably won’t do any of that. Toxic people rarely provide the closure we want or need.
Some lie and say it never happened. Others will make it your fault. You may get an apology, but that doesn’t mean they’ll change. Or you may never hear from them again.
If your healing depends on your ex saying what you need to hear, you’re putting your power in the hands of the person who hurt you.
True closure comes when you accept that you may never know why he did the things he did. True closure comes when you realize you don’t need him to validate your experience because you lived it.
The relationship hurt your emotional wellbeing. That’s one hundred percent valid reasoning for letting go and moving forward, no matter what he says or doesn’t say.
6. Believe That Walking Away Leaves Room for Someone (or Something) Better
Fear keeps us attached to our toxic partners more than anything else. We are afraid we will never find love again.
We convince ourselves that we are past the age of finding someone. Alone is better than being with someone who makes me feel horrible about myself. We think we’ve missed our chance at happiness.
If we are honest with ourselves, I think we all believe these things at one point or another after a breakup.
But they’re probably not true.
Holding onto unhealthy relationships takes up space in your heart that could be filled with healing, personal growth, and, one day, a healthy love.
When you choose to stay with someone who hurts you constantly, you often overlook the people who would actually love you and treat you the way you deserve.
Leaving your toxic boyfriend doesn’t mean you’ll never love again. But it does mean you’re making space for the right person to walk into your life.
Who knows, that person may even be yourself. Spending time healing after a relationship is the perfect opportunity to learn how to love and enjoy being alone again.
From that point, you will be able to recognize a healthy relationship when it comes along.
Final Thoughts
Wanting to let go of your toxic boyfriend is rarely a decision you make once and instantly walk away. It’s the little decisions you make every day you choose not to text him. The decision you make every time you stop romanticizing your relationship and see it for what it truly was.
Letting go is choosing yourself day after day until that slowly becomes your new normal.
Please remember, just because you once loved someone does not mean they are meant to be in your life forever. You can love someone and still know deep down that they are not healthy for you. Those two things can be true at the same time.
Don’t let familiarity turn into false hope. Yes, your relationship with your toxic boyfriend was meant to be in your life for a reason. But that doesn’t mean he needs to be in your future.
You deserve someone who fills your life with peace, not anxiety. Someone who makes you feel secure, not confused. Someone who helps you grow into the best version of you, not causes you emotional pain day after day.
FAQ
Why can’t I let go of my toxic boyfriend?
All relationships bring us something. Sometimes those somethings are lessons on what we don’t want in a relationship. But for some reason, when you have a toxic relationship, that lesson can be hard to learn. Toxic relationships produce strong emotional attachments that take time to break free from.
Should I stay friends with my toxic ex boyfriend?
If you find yourself asking this question, my answer is you probably shouldn’t. At least not until you have enough distance from the relationship to where running into him on social media doesn’t hurt your heart.
How long should you wait to talk to your ex after breaking up?
As long as it takes for you to feel one hundred percent certain that talking to him won’t disrupt your healing process. Some people need a few days, others a few months. Only you know what is best for your emotional recovery.
How long does it take to get over a toxic relationship?
There’s no timeline for healing. Some factors that affect how long it takes to heal from a relationship include how long you were with this person, how emotionally attached you were, and, most importantly, how you prioritize your recovery.
How do I stop missing my ex boyfriend?
Make sure you’re remembering the relationship for what it really was. Stop contact for long enough that you can heal, and focus on rebuilding yourself into the best version of you. You’ll soon find that you have zero time to miss someone who doesn’t deserve you.
Can a toxic boyfriend change?
People can change, but change doesn’t just happen overnight. If he truly wants to better himself for you, he will seek out accountability, ask for help when he needs it, and put in the work to fix what is broken. You should never feel obligated to stay in a relationship while the other partner is trying to change for you.
How do I know when I’m ready to date again?
You’ll know when you’re ready. You stop feeling the need to run back to your ex when you’re sad. You rebuild your confidence. And most of all, you want to date again. You’re excited by the thought of meeting someone new, not rushing into something to fill a void that your ex left.
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