If you’re reading this, you know exactly why. And while this won’t solve anything for you overnight, I can promise you that it WILL shine a light on the darkness that you’ve been trying to ignore.
Please know this wasn’t an easy article for me to write. But you aren’t looking for easy answers, are you? You want things to change. And in order to change your situation, you need to accept where things currently stand.
Ready?
10 Signs Your Husband Enjoys Hurting You
1. He Does It Over & Over Again
Your husband isn’t a mind reader.
Sure, some people are more attentive than others, but we all make mistakes, right?
Everyone says things they don’t mean or do things they shouldn’t. Happens.
But if you’ve made it CLEAR to him that something he does or says hurts your feelings and he continues to do it anyway, that stops being ignorance.
Purpose.
Don’t believe me? Think about how many times you’ve explained yourself to him. Maybe even adjusted your behavior because it bothers him.
And yet, he’ll drop that same ‘joke’ or say those SAME words to hurt your feelings all over again.
If he’s aware that hurting you matters not one bit to him.
Read also: 12 Early Signs He Will Cheat That Most Women Miss
2. He Doesn’t Care How You Feel
Do you ever feel like you can’t tell your husband how you feel because he doesn’t care?
You try to express to him that something hurt your feelings or that you’re upset about something he said or did, and he brushes you off.
“You’re being overdramatic.” “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re too sensitive.”
Statements like these don’t just make you feel stupid after a while. They make you start questioning whether or not you actually feel that way in the first place.
And when that happens… you’re stuck.
This type of behavior falls under what’s called emotional invalidation, and when someone consistently does this to you, it’s a sign that they don’t truly care about your feelings. At all.
It could even mean that your pain makes him feel better about himself.
Read also: 8 Signs Your Husband Regrets Marrying You
3. He Throws Your Words Back in Your Face
In a healthy relationship, your husband should be able to be the safe place you go to vent about your fears, anxieties, and insecurities.
He should never use them against you.
If your husband remembers the insecurities you’ve told him about to argue with you or hurt your feelings, that shows he’s not only paying attention to how you feel, but he’s picking the BEST way to hurt you every time.
He chooses to weaponize your emotions.
Does your husband care how you feel? If he used your words to make you feel bad, then the answer is no.
Read also: 10 Clear Signs Your Husband Loves You Deeply
4. He Seems Fine After Hurting You
This one can tell YOU a lot about him.
How he acts AFTER he’s hurt you says a lot about his capacity to empathize.
Does he apologize? Does he try to make it better or show you that he understands why you’re upset?
Or does he just act like everything is fine?
If someone who cares about you hurts your feelings, it hurts THEM to see you upset.
They try to make it better.
If he can hurt you and then witness your reaction and STILL be perfectly okay… he doesn’t feel any empathy for you or your situation.
Empathy is important in relationships because it allows you to feel safe when you’re vulnerable with your spouse. Without it, you have no reason to believe the pain of him hurting you will ever stop.
5. He Purposefully Pushes Your Buttons
Some people don’t realize how their words affect others.
But if your husband knows exactly what to say to you to get a reaction out of you, he knows exactly what he’s doing.
You may have even caught him pushing your buttons before.
Pointing out something you’re insecure about at the worst times, bringing up things in the past you’ve confessed to him that make you feel bad about yourself, or saying things to you that you KNOW will upset you.
This tactic falls under emotional abuse because him getting a rise out of you gives him power. It allows him to control your emotions and thus keeps you constantly reacting to him.
6. He Makes You Feel Like It’s Your Fault
No one likes to be wrong.
And your husband knows this.
He pushes all your buttons, hurts your feelings, and then blames you for it.
Do you find yourself apologizing to him when you know you shouldn’t?
“He wouldn’t have said that if I didn’t…” or “You made me mad.”
Statements like these are a form of gaslighting. Slowly, he’s trying to make you believe that you’re overreacting or that you’re to blame for how he treats you.
Guess what happens over time when someone believes they’re crazy? They question EVERYTHING that happens between you two.
Including the times he’s wrong.
7. He Knows He Has Control Over Your Emotions
Controlling isn’t always beating you down and making you feel ugly.
Sometimes it’s the small things he does that you KNOW are to purposefully push your emotions.
Your mood depends on how he treats you, and he knows it.
If your husband can withdraw affection when he’s upset, knows exactly when to be cold to you, and when to give you just enough attention to keep you clinging to him, he knows he has control over your emotions.
If he knows and is okay with this… it means catering to his every need is how he likes to keep you in the relationship.
8. He Mocks You
This one hurts, but I needed to include it.
If your husband hurts your feelings and you react, does he mock you? Laugh at you? Tell you that you’re “too sensitive?”
Regardless if he says he’s “just joking.”
IT HURTS. Plain and simple.
When your spouse mocks you, there’s no respect. And if he doesn’t respect you, he can’t love you in any way that will actually matter.
9. He Says “Sorry” But Doesn’t Change His Behavior
Apologies are tricky.
When your husband hurts you, he may say he’s sorry, but if he doesn’t change his behavior after that apology, it wasn’t real.
You’ll catch yourself in a pattern.
He hurts you. He apologizes. You two make up, and things are great.
Then he does it again.
It’s a game. And he’s betting on you giving him another chance because he knows you will.
Changing his behavior every time he hurts you is the ONLY way he can prove that he truly regrets what he said or did.
Without that, he’s stringing you along.
10. You Feel Drained or Anxious Around Him
Last, but certainly not least…
If you have to think about everything you say around your husband or you constantly find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him, you know something is off.
You feel DRAINED when you’re around him.
You shouldn’t feel anxious in your own marriage.
If you do, something is VERY wrong.
Conclusion
There’s a lot to unpack here.
But the truth is, if you’re reading this, you already know something is wrong.
You’ve spent way too long ignoring the signs that he MAY not only LIKE hurting your feelings, but he likes having that type of control over you.
But pretending like this behavior isn’t happening will not make it better.
In fact, it’ll keep you questioning YOURSELF when you should be questioning his actions.
You know the pain your husband causes you isn’t acceptable, which is why you’re here trying to find some sort of validation that something needs to change.
But you’re smarter than that.
You know this husband of yours is affecting your emotions, your self worth, and your confidence.
And while knowing is ONLY the first step, it also gives you power.
Because once you can clearly see the problem, you can finally decide what you WILL AND WON’T accept moving forward.
Nothing changes overnight, but if you know there’s a problem, you’re already closer to the solution than you realize.
FAQ
Does this mean my husband is abusive?
Emotionally or psychologically, maybe. But all abuse falls under a pattern of intentional hurt. Some of these signs can be applied to once in a while arguments we all have. But if you experience many of these things on the daily, it’s time to take action.
Will he ever change?
Yes and no. People CAN change if they want to. But someone has to DEMAND that change for it to happen most of the time. You can’t simply state what you want him to change and expect him to. Unless he’s willing, change isn’t likely.
Am I crazy or scared for no reason?
NO. Absolutely not. You’re allowed to feel the way you do. BUT you also have to really think about why you feel that way. Half of these things come down to him messing with your head A LOT, which means you have every reason to feel the way you do.
What do I do if I see these signs in my husband?
Tell him how you feel. That’s the first step to any argument we have with our husbands. If you think these things happen on occasion, maybe a discussion could clear the air. But if these are daily occurrences, you may want to seek help from a professional.
Why do I still love him? Why can’t I leave?
Everyone is different when it comes to situations like these. Whether you have kids, haven’t worked on yourself outside of the relationship, or are just genuinely scared of being alone. Those are all valid reasons that keep us tied to relationships that bring us NO joy. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
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