I had a client, She was serious about breaking up with her boyfriend but didn’t know how to do it. Emotionally, she was ready. Mentally, she kept going back and forth with questions like “Am I doing the right thing?” “Will I regret this?” “What if I leave too soon?”
What surprised me about her struggle wasn’t that she wanted to leave but that she was confused. She knew what she wanted; she just had a hard time accepting it. When you’ve been with someone for a while, saying goodbye isn’t easy. Relationships are connections we built over time that once meant something to us.
The hurting part is when you know you should leave but your mind and heart can’t seem to agree.
If you’re considering breaking up with your boyfriend, don’t do it on a whim. Don’t break up with him just because you had a bad day, fought about something that happened weeks ago, or are feeling a temporary emotion.
Breaking up is life changing and taking the time to properly prepare yourself mentally and emotionally can help you feel confident with your decision.
12 Things to Do Before You Break Up With Your Boyfriend
1. Be Completely Honest About Why You Want to Break Up
Figure out your TRUE reason for wanting to leave. You’ve probably reached a point where you want to run for the hills but ask yourself why.
Are you constantly fighting? Does he not put in any effort? Has he hurt your feelings multiple times? Do you have different values? Feel like you’re growing apart?
Understanding why you want to break up will allow you to know if you broke up because of a situation that can be fixed or if your relationship is actually the problem.
Understanding your reason also allows you to clearly communicate why you’re breaking up if you decide to do so. Instead of making a list of every little thing he did wrong, you can simply tell him the bigger reason why it’s no longer working.
Read also: 8 Clear Signs You Need to Break Up With Your Partner
2. Make Sure You Are Not Making the Decision Out of Anger
One of the most common mistakes people make when breaking up is doing it in the heat of the moment. You had the biggest argument of your relationship and you know deep down that you don’t ever want to speak to him again.
You say those three words you never wanted to say and walk away before you realize what you’ve done.
It’s important to give yourself time to think. If you’re mad at him, cool off before you make a decision you’ll instantly regret.
Ending a relationship should never be because you’re upset in that moment. Calm down and think about it.
That being said, your emotions are valid and they’re telling you something. If you feel absolutely miserable every time you’re with him or you constantly feel drained from pretending to be okay, that matters.
A healthy decision comes from your heart and your mind. One may tell you that something is wrong, but your mind can help you understand why.
Read also: 8 Crappy Things Men Do When They Want to Break Up
3. Think About Whether You Have Tried to Fix The Problems
Have you and your boyfriend tried to work on your problems or have you just both given up? Relationships take two people who are willing to put in the effort and communication.
Think about it. Have you told him how you feel? Has he listened to what you had to say? Have you both tried to change or is he making the same mistakes over and over?
I know it sucks to think about confronting your partner about your feelings, but sometimes relationships fail because both people are scared to have those hard conversations.
Saying that you’ve tried doesn’t mean you allowed him to continuously disrespect you for months. If you’ve told him how you feel multiple times and he doesn’t seem to care, that matters.
Read also: 5 Ways to Heal Yourself After a Breakup
4. Prepare Yourself Emotionally For The Aftermath
Most people only think about the breakup conversation and not what happens after. Whether things end amicably or it turns into a crying contest, you will experience emotions.
You may feel sad, relieved, lonely, guilty, or even doubt your decision.
Your ex boyfriend is going to pop up in your mind whether you want him to or not. Breakups aren’t easy and although you know it’s for the best, your brain likes to focus on the good times.
Before you break up, think about how you will feel in the days, weeks, and even months following the breakup. Who can you talk to? What will you do to keep yourself busy? How will you take care of yourself emotionally?
I bring this up because healing is important. Your breakup doesn’t just end when you two stop talking, it’s how you move on from that moment on.
Read also: 15 Ways to Focus on Yourself After a Breakup
5. Decide How You Want The Conversation To Happen
How will you break up with your boyfriend? If you’ve already been through a nasty breakup with him in the past, you may want to do it over text so you don’t have to see him tear up.
Every situation is different but a conversation like this deserves respect.
Ideally, you both can talk in person. It allows you both to express how you feel and have closure.
Don’t do this if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe doing so. If he’s abusive, narcissistic, or you just don’t feel comfortable telling him in person, that’s okay. You are under no obligation to breakup with him face to face.
Think about what you want to say to him. You don’t need a speech written down but maybe write down some key points you want to touch on so you don’t say something you’ll regret.
6. Accept That You Cannot Control His Reaction
You cannot control how your ex will react on breaking up with him. He can either take it really well, become abusive, extremely sad, or even try to convince you to stay.
The only thing you can control is how you break the news to him.
Just because he cries and gets upset doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. People can get aggressive when they’re hurting but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
I know it’s awful thinking about breaking his heart but a lot of people stay in relationships they’re unhappy in because they don’t want to hurt their partner.
You can be kind to your ex but don’t sacrifice your happiness just to avoid his feelings.
7. Avoid Creating False Hope
The easiest way to seem less harsh is to tell him there’s a “maybe someday” or you “need some time” even though you don’t plan on calling him when you calm down.
Why do we do this to people? I promise it will make it harder for him to move on than if you were straightforward about the entire situation.
I’m not saying you should be mean to him but if you know a relationship cannot work, telling him you need space when you really mean it’s over is cruel.
Allow him to feel pain now so he can heal rather than making him think you two will work things out when you know it’s actually over for good.
8. Think About Your Practical Situation
Some relationships come with attachments other than emotions. Perhaps you share a place together, finances, cars, friends, jobs, or kids.
Think about these things before you break up with your boyfriend.
It’s not very ideal to figure this out during your breakup conversation. Have a plan if need be so you don’t stress yourself out about something that can be avoided.
Will you two need to move out? Will you need to give each other your things back? Will you need some space from each other for a while?
Whatever it may be, think about it before you say those three words.
9. Remind Yourself Why You Made This Choice
Let’s be honest. As soon as you break up, you will immediately feel the urge to call him. After everything you’ve been through you may even question your decision.
Remind yourself why you want to leave. Write down every reason that leads up to you wanting to break up so you have something to reference when you feel weak.
You don’t have to write down every little thing he did but write down things that you know will help you remember why this happened.
Reminding yourself will help you when you start to feel sad. Your mind will try to play tricks on you by only remembering the good times you had when you’re alone and hurting.
10. Plan How You Will Move Forward
I like to think of every relationship as a chapter in your life. Now that you know this chapter is over, it’s time to plan what you want your next chapter to look like.
Focus on yourself. Keep busy by rebuilding your normal routine that you had before him. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself and invest more time into the things you enjoy that make you, you.
You are not defined by your relationships. Your relationship should enhance who you are as a person.
Moving on doesn’t mean you won’t think about your ex or forget everything that happened overnight. It means allowing yourself to heal while building a better future for yourself.
11. Consider Whether You Are Leaving For The Right Reasons
Many people think of breaking up with their partner because they compare their relationship to others’.
Social media, outside opinions, and even another guy can make you see your relationship in a different light.
Ask yourself if you’re breaking up because your relationship is unhealthy or because you want someone who can give you the temporary emotions you feel when thinking about someone new.
Just because someone new sparks your interest or you like their personality, doesn’t mean they’re better than your boyfriend.
Your relationship should be measured by how it makes you feel, not someone else’s.
12. Prepare Yourself To Respect Your Decision
The hardest part about breaking up is knowing that you won’t take him back after you breakup. Every time you break up with someone you’ll always question yourself the next few days.
It hurts. A lot. But just because it hurts doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
Your ex boyfriend was a chapter in your life for a reason. Allow yourself time to get used to not having him. Don’t obsess by checking his social media, call him, or try talking to him about giving your relationship another chance before you’re ready.
You need space to heal and by doing this, you’re allowing yourself to respect your decision to leave him.
Conclusion
Breaking up with someone you love is never easy. But never break up with someone because you can.
Take time to understand your feelings, think about your relationship honestly, and prepare yourself on how to move on if you truly decide this is the best decision for you.
A breakup between two people who were once involved should never be because of anger, disrespect, or who is more at fault. A healthy breakup is when you know things aren’t working out and both parties handle the situation with honesty and respect.
If you know in your heart that your boyfriend is no longer good for you mentally, physically, and emotionally, then allow yourself to prepare for the hardest conversation you’ll probably ever have to say.
FAQ
How do I know if I should break up with my boyfriend?
You should consider leaving your boyfriend if you’re consistently unhappy, disrespected, ignored, or questioned when you’re with him. If your relationship is going through the same issues and they never get better, it’s time to let go.
Should I break up with my boyfriend if I still love him?
Yes. Love doesn’t fix all problems. You can still love someone and realize that your relationship is no longer healthy for you.
How do I break up with my boyfriend without hurting him?
You can’t guarantee your ex won’t feel some type of pain, but you can control how you break the news to him. Be respectful, honest, and clear about why you’re breaking up. You don’t have to beat him up with every reason why you didn’t work, but don’t leave him confused either by giving him false hope.
Should I give him another chance before I leave?
Again, that depends on your situation. If things have been going bad recently and you know he’s willing to change for the better, maybe a heart to heart will help your relationship. But if you guys always seem to have the same problems and he shows no effort in changing, you probably already know your answer.
Is it normal to feel guilty after breaking up?
Yes. Feeling guilty after a breakup doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, it means you care about that person and you understand that your decision is affecting them too.
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