Over time, I’ve noticed that people tend to stay in unhealthy friendships wayyyy longer than they would in a romantic relationship. They expect to be heartbroken after a breakup, but they never expect to mourn the loss of someone they used to call their “best friend.” That mixed up mentality is what keeps most people anchored to friendships that are slowly killing their spirit.
You’ve convinced yourself that they’ll pull their act together soon. Maybe you excuse their disrespectful behavior because you’ve known them since childhood. Or maybe you’re worried that walking away will make you look disloyal or unforgiving. I’ve watched people sabotage their own happiness because they felt they “needed” to hold on to a friendship that was slowly sucking the life out of them.
Here’s the thing, though…
Friendships are meant to build you up, not wear you down. A healthy friend will encourage your dreams, respect your boundaries, celebrate your accomplishments, and lift you up when you’re going through a hard season in life.
So, if every time you hang out with your friend you feel anxious, manipulated, drained, or torn down in some type of way, then it may be time to cut that friendship loose.
Trust me when I say learning how to walk away from someone isn’t making you a cold hearted person. What you’re actually doing is prioritizing your mental health, and making room for healthy friendships that build you up instead of trying to pull you down.
8 Steps to Let Go of a Toxic Friendship That Is Draining You
1. Accept That the Friendship Is No Longer Healthy
The hardest part about letting go is usually admitting that things aren’t going to get better. Most people stay in negative friendships because they choose to focus on how great their friend used to be instead of how horrible they’ve become.
They replay past memories, reminisce about old inside jokes, and think about all of the good times instead of the pain they’re experiencing right now. Being friends with someone for years will create a bond and lots of nostalgia. But sometimes that nostalgia tricks you into staying friends with people who no longer have your best interest at heart.
Just because your friendship didn’t end with a dramatic breakup or loud argument doesn’t mean it’s not toxic. Perhaps your “friend” constantly degrades you, complains about everything, talks behind your back, dismisses your feelings, competes with your success, gaslights you into believing that you’re crazy, or only reaches out when they need something.
Toxic traits can be small and harmless individually, but when they persist over a long period of time, they’ll destroy your confidence and peace of mind.
Stop making excuses for the same patterns that continue hurting you over and over. Yes, people make mistakes, but when unhealthy behavior keeps repeating itself, it’s not a mistake anymore. It’s a pattern. People can change, but they have to want to change.
Once you fully accept that the friendship is no longer healthy, you won’t waste any more time trying to fix something that only you are working to resolve. Accepting that your friendship is toxic doesn’t make you hate that person. What it makes you is someone who is finally able to see that relationship for what it really is.
Read also: 15 Fun Things to Do on a Call With Your Boyfriend, Girlfriend, or Best Friend
2. Release the Feeling That You Have to “Save” Them
Most people allow themselves to get wrapped up in friendships that make them feel drained because they feel it’s their responsibility to “keep” the friendship together. They position themselves as the peacemaker, the problem solver, the listener, the counselor, and the constant apologizer just to avoid any conflict.
Doing this for even just one person can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional state because eventually the friendship will become draining and one sided, with you giving 90% and them giving 10%.
Friendships are partnerships that require equal effort from both people involved. You cannot keep a relationship afloat by yourself. If you’ve communicated your feelings, offered grace and forgiveness, and tried to better the friendship multiple times but they continue to disregard your feelings, then you did everything you could’ve done on your end. Pouring into someone who continues to show you they don’t care will not magically make that person become the friend you wanted them to be.
Letting go also means letting go of the idea that you’re somehow abandoning them by leaving. Yes, friends fight and have hard conversations, but adult humans are capable of holding responsibility for their own actions, growth, and behavior.
Read also: 88 Ragebaiting Questions for Friends That Nobody Can Agree On
3. Set Firm & Healthy Boundaries
Depending on how bad the friendship is will determine if you should try setting firm boundaries. Establishing boundaries will let your friend know that you will no longer accept their disrespectful behavior. Some people can truly respect your boundaries, but others won’t care at all. Toxic people often get angry when you set boundaries because it takes away the control they once had over you.
Setting boundaries may include stopping weekly calls, not engaging in the gossip, saying no to certain favors, saying no to invites that make you uncomfortable, or letting your friend know that their disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated.
At first, you will feel weird doing this if you’ve always been the one who cared about your friend more. Change doesn’t always feel comfortable, but learning how to set boundaries is part of growing healthy relationship habits.
Read also: How to Show Up for Friends
4. Understand That You May Never Get Closure
Many people make the mistake of waiting on the “perfect” conversation before cutting the friend loose. You spend so much time imagining how they’ll react when you tell them how you feel that you forget to just rip off the bandaid. But here’s the reality: you’ll probably never get the closure you’ve been looking for.
Some people will never own up to being wrong. They’ll make excuses for their behavior, lie about the things they said or did, turn around and start blaming you for their mistakes, gossip about you to others, act like the victim, or even convince themselves that you’re the problem. Hoping that someone like this can suddenly see that they hurt you will keep you stagnant even after you’ve already moved on. Letting go means accepting that you may never get an apology or the validation that you deserve.
Instead of searching for someone else to validate your experience, give yourself some closure. Accept that the person you thought would always have your back let you down, and promise yourself that you’ll never subject yourself to that kind of pain again. True closure will come when you stop waiting on someone who has hurt you time and time again to suddenly become the healing that you need. You will never receive that apology you’ve been praying for, but you don’t need their approval to move forward.
5. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you won’t miss them. That’s one thing I learned after cutting off one of my closest friends. You can still miss someone who wasn’t really good for you. A lot of people think you shouldn’t feel sad after leaving a friendship because “it’s supposed to feel good to finally cut that weight off.” Newsflash, it’s not that simple!
You won’t only be grieving your friendship, but you’ll be grieving your old dreams for the relationship, the times you had together, inside jokes, late night talks, and more. Your friendship with that person may have been unhealthy, but you built a lot of memories with them that you’ll always cherish. Pretending like their departure doesn’t hurt won’t speed up the healing process. Allowing yourself to grieve will.
Allow yourself to feel the feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anger, but don’t use those feelings to convince yourself that you should go back to that person. You will have moments where you think about all the good times you had, and that’s okay. Missing that person doesn’t mean they deserve a second chance. Sometimes healing looks like you accepting the fact that you can still cherish all the good memories you had with that person without returning to an unhealthy relationship.
6. Stop Living in the Past
One interesting thing about cutting off a friendship is how your mind alters certain facts. You’ll start remembering all of the good times you had with that person. All of the vacations you took, inside jokes you shared, your late night talks, or how you couldn’t imagine your life without them. And those memories are all true, but they don’t represent the whole truth.
When you’re feeling lonely, you tend to only focus on the good parts of your friendship and not the reasons you decided to leave them in the first place. You’ll start thinking things like, “Maybe everything wasn’t that bad,” or “Maybe I was too harsh.” This is why a lot of people go back to their “friends,” even after knowing that they shouldn’t. You begin to miss the companionship that they provided and forget about how emotionally exhausted you always felt after spending time with them.
The next time you find yourself romanticizing your old friendship, remind yourself of the reasons you had to let them go. Think about how often you’d feel emotionally drained after talking to them. Remember how often you cried because of something they said or how anxious you’d feel every time they texted you. If the good memories you have with that person outweigh the constant disrespect and frustration, then you may want to reevaluate your decision.
7. Fill Your World with Healthy Relationships
Trust me when I say that this is a major reason why letting go of certain friends is so hard. The thought of being alone really does play a predominant role in why people choose to stay friends with others who bring them down. They stay in a friendship with that person thinking that it’s better than having no one.
But the reality is, when you’re stuck with a negative person, it prevents you from finding positive ones. Healthy friendships won’t make you question your standing with them or if they still like you. You won’t feel like you have to compete for their attention. You will feel comfortable enough to be yourself, your accomplishments will be celebrated (no jealous rebuttal), and they will actually care when you’re going through a tough time.
When you’re ready, start investing more time into the friendships that add value to your life. Find community in things that you enjoy, reconnect with that one friend you know you can trust, or even allow yourself to meet new people. Building healthy friendships will take time, but trust me when I say it’s worth the wait. The more you allow yourself to experience healthy friendships, you’ll start seeing why that toxic friend doesn’t bother you anymore. You’ll finally understand what a real friendship feels like.
8. Choose Yourself Every Day
Walking away from someone you’ve considered your friend doesn’t mean that you’ll never think about that person again. Healing is a process, and there will be days where you’ll feel weak and want to give that person a second chance. You may even have days where they reach out to you and try to play the “we changed” card.
But each day you have to ask yourself, “Will spending time with this person cause me to feel peace or continue the recurring pain that I felt when we were friends?” Be honest with yourself. If there has been no genuine change in their behavior, then restoring that friendship will probably lead to the same exact issues you ran from in the first place. Choosing yourself is not being selfish. It’s being healthy for your emotional well being.
The more you choose yourself, the more you’ll slowly begin to feel lighter. The weight you’ve been feeling on your chest will eventually disappear. You’ll gain your confidence back because you won’t second guess every word that comes out of your friend’s mouth. You’ll laugh more, sleep better at night, and feel free because you’re no longer investing your time and energy into someone who steals it all away from you. You deserve all of that and more. So take the steps toward freeing yourself!
Conclusion
There’s nothing easy about letting go of someone you used to call your friend. But staying in a friendship that makes you feel less than you are or question your self worth is not loyal. It’s self neglect.
Healthy friendships won’t make you feel anxious every time you speak to them or force you to question your self worth after every disagreement. They’ll encourage your dreams, respect your decisions, lift you higher when you’re struggling, and always be there to celebrate your success with you. If your “friendship” does the complete opposite of those things, it’s okay to let that person go.
Friendship isn’t about how long you’ve known someone or how many good memories you have together. True friendships are built on the present and how well you make each other feel when you’re together. Remember that you let that person into your life, not the other way around. If they chose to walk away, so be it, but you’re not walking anywhere. Choose friendships that add value to your life and let the rest fall away.
FAQ
How do you know when it’s time to let go of a toxic friendship?
Typically, you’ll know it’s time to let go when your friendship continues to make you feel upset, drained, manipulated, anxious, and unappreciated after you’ve expressed your feelings.
Is it okay to end a friendship without giving them a reason why?
Yes. If you’ve already addressed your concerns or if they’re treating you in a way that makes you feel unsafe, then you don’t have to give that person another reason why you don’t want them in your life. Your peace of mind is more important than giving someone a million excuses as to why you’re cutting them off.
Why do I feel guilty about cutting someone off?
Guilt is normal because you’ve been friends for years and years of built up emotions. But just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means your heart is mourning the loss of someone who used to be important to you.
Can a toxic friendship change back into a healthy one?
They can, but only if both parties are willing to apologize for their actions, respect your boundaries, and continue to put effort into making that friendship work. Continuously allowing that friendship to fail and your friend blaming you will lead to no changes at all.
Should I give my “friend” another chance?
If you have not seen a change in their behavior, then my answer is no. Sure, they may apologize and promise the world, but actions will always speak louder than words. If they repeatedly let the same harmful behaviors continue, then I would advise you not to give that person another chance.
What happens after you cut someone off?
You’ll probably go through a phase of emotional turmoil because change is never easy, but with time you’ll experience a greater sense of peace. You’ll regain your self worth that they tried to make you forget, you’ll develop healthier friendships that add value to your life, and you’ll feel more confident in deciding who you allow into your life.
Save the pin for later
