You’re a people pleaser when you try hard all the time to please people around you by anticipating their needs and saying yes to everything they ask for, even if it means putting yourself down. You often disregard your own needs to avoid upsetting others.
The need to please everyone could be due to various reasons, such as having low self-esteem, seeking approval from others, having fear of rejection or abandonment from people you care about, among others. When you’re constantly pleasing everyone around you, you lose your sense of self because you tend to put others before you at all times.
You may not realize it, but people pleasing can negatively affect your life. You may always feel pressured because you have to consider everyone else’s needs and forget about yours. Left unchecked, people pleasing may cause you to lose yourself and feel resentful and burnt out.
If you want to learn how to stop being a people pleaser, read on. Below are the top ten tips on how to finally say “no” to people pleasing!
Top 10 Best Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser
1. Identify Your Triggers
Identifying your triggers is half the battle of overcoming people pleasing. Triggers could be a certain environment, situation, or person that can cause you to feel a certain way (anger, sadness, happiness, etc.). When you get triggered, you tend to put others’ needs before yours.
The first step to finding your triggers is by tuning in with your emotions. Whenever you start to feel anxious, stressed, or worried about someone’s opinion of you, take a moment to think about what might have caused you to feel that way.
Try writing down how you feel each time you catch yourself wanting to please someone. Doing this consistently will help you recognize patterns. Over time, you’ll be able to pinpoint exact situations that make you compromise your own needs, such as always feeling the need to agree with your boss during meetings or feeling like you can’t say no when your friends ask for favors.
Read Also: How to Handle Difficult People Without Losing Your Peace – 8 Tips
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Learning how to set clear boundaries is important if you want to stop being a people pleaser. Boundaries are limitations you give yourself that dictate what you are willing to accept in regard to your time and energy.
Setting clear boundaries will allow you to learn how to put your own needs first. Once you know your limits and create firm boundaries, you won’t feel guilty about saying no to others who may try to test your limits.
Whenever someone asks you for time or favors, take a minute to think if you can really give them the time of day. If you feel drained just by looking at them, feel free to say no. You can say something like, “I’m sorry, but I have to finish up some work.”
Read also: 10 Effective Ways to Self Discipline Yourself
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Learning how to practice self-love and compassion is also important if you want to stop being a people pleaser. Self-compassion means being kind to yourself, especially during times when you’re having a hard time. It allows you to acknowledge your feelings without being too hard on yourself.
Mindfulness can help you practice self-compassion. Mindfulness is the practice of being aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Take a few minutes to sit down in a quiet place and take deep breaths. Focus on your body and how it feels. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you’re feeling at the moment and acknowledge it.
You can also try saying positive affirmations to yourself. You can create your own affirmations that promote self-love. For example, you can say, “I am beautiful” or “I am worthy of love.”
Read Also: How to Silence Your Inner Critic
4. Focus on Your Own Values
Knowing your own values will also help you stop being a people pleaser. Values are the things that are important to you in life. They guide you on what you should and shouldn’t accept.
Know what is important to you. Think about the different experiences you’ve had in life. Ask yourself what you believe in and what you appreciate in other people. Jot down the values that you live by. Some examples are kindness, compassion, happiness, and independence.
Once you know your own values, you can learn how to prioritize your needs before others. Always remind yourself of your own values whenever you feel like you’re compromising yourself to please someone.
Remember that other people’s values may not always align with yours—and that’s perfectly fine! Learn to live by your own set of values, and you’ll be surprised how amazing your life will become. The more you live by your own values, the more likely you are to make decisions that you won’t regret.
Other people will make requests of you, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to say yes to them. If their requests don’t align with your values, feel free to say no.
5. Develop Assertiveness Skills
Learning how to be assertive is another great way to learn how to stop being a people pleaser. Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful manner.
Many people mistake being assertive for being aggressive. Assertiveness and aggression are two different things. Here’s how they differ:
- Assertiveness vs. aggression: When you’re being aggressive, you tend to disrespect others or put them down in some way. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is all about you expressing how you feel.
- Assertiveness vs. passivity: When you’re being passive, you allow others to run your life. You accept whatever they say without asserting yourself.
If you want to practice being assertive, try speaking up and letting others know how you feel. Use statements that start with “I” rather than “you.” For example, instead of saying,
“You never listen to me”
Say something like this instead:
“I feel like you don’t listen to me when I’m talking.”
6. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort
Another way you can rewire your mind to stop being a people pleaser is to learn how to tolerate discomfort. Here are two important truths you must remember:
Truth #1: Everyone experiences discomfort.
The moment you start putting your needs first and learning how to say no, you’re going to feel anxious. You may even feel guilty for thinking about your own needs before others. But instead of running away from these emotions, allow yourself to feel them.
Remember that every time you say no to one request, you’re actually saying yes to the things that you need.
Truth #2: You have the right to feel uncomfortable.
Always practice self-love and compassion when you feel anxious about pleasing others. Tell yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you’re not perfect. The next time you feel anxious about pleasing someone, stop and acknowledge your feelings. Say something like, “I have the right to put myself first.”
Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. The more you allow yourself to feel uneasy, the better you become at handling these types of situations.
7. Accept That You Can’t Please Everyone
You cannot please everyone all the time. No matter how hard you try, there will always be that one person who won’t be pleased by your actions. Once you accept this fact, you will never have to people please again.
Accepting this simple fact will allow you to change your mindset. Next time someone does something that you don’t like or is unhappy about the service you provided, remember that they’re just projecting their own problems onto you.
8. Prioritize Your Own Needs
Learn how to put yourself first! Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s needs. Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, tired, hungry, or lonely, learn how to fill your own cup before helping anyone else.
When you make your needs a priority, you are allowing yourself to accept that saying no is okay. The more you practice putting your own needs first, the easier it becomes to refuse other people’s requests.
9. Challenge the Need for External Validation
If there’s one thing that fuels people pleasing, it’s the need for external validation. You might have this little voice in your head that makes you believe you’re not good enough.
Challenge that voice by praising yourself whenever you feel accomplished at work or in school. You can even start a journal where you keep positive feedback from coworkers or friends.
This way, you always have something to fall back on when you don’t receive external validation from other people. Learn how to trust your own judgment, and you’ll never have to please anyone ever again.
10. Celebrate Your Progress
Lastly, celebrate how far you’ve come! Allow yourself to embrace who you are—flaws and all. The more you accept yourself for who you are, the more you reinforce the new healthy habits you’ve learned.
For example, if you normally say yes to your friend’s requests but you recently learned how to say no, take the time to congratulate yourself in a journal or by acknowledging your progress.
Celebrate the small things and always pat yourself on the back for not people pleasing others.
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