Did you ever have a conversation where everything sounded fine in the beginning, but then you started to notice red flags after digging a little deeper?
That’s how my conversation with a female friend went a few years ago.
She started telling me about her boyfriend.
“He likes to know where I am,” she said.
“He doesn’t like my friends.”
“He wants me to text him when I get home.”
It didn’t sound bad at all. In fact, it sounded… caring.
Until she kept talking.
“He yelled at me when I went out with friends without telling him.”
“He checks my phone.”
“He makes comments about what I wear.”
“He’ll guilt trip me if I hang out with my friends without him.”
That’s when I knew.
You know when everything clicks and you’re just like, “Ohhhhh.”
Yeah. That happened to me.
As she spoke, I realized her boyfriend was anything but loving. He was controlling.
And then it hit me: control disguised as love is still control.
If you’re reading this, chances are you might be in a situation that feels familiar.
Maybe your boyfriend wants you all to himself.
Maybe he cares too much where you are or who you’re with.
Maybe you don’t feel like yourself anymore.
You know the situation.
Let’s address it.
Below, I cover the biggest signs of a controlling boyfriend. Plus, what you can do to deal with him if your boyfriend is controlling.
13 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Controlling
1. He Knows Your Every Move
It starts innocent enough.
He texts you asking:
“Where are you?”
“Who’re you with?”
“When are you getting home?”
These questions are fine every now and then.
But if he’s asking you every time you leave your house, that’s not love. That’s manipulation.
A controlling boyfriend wants to know where you are because it allows him to control you.
He wants to know your every move.
If you ever feel like you need to check in multiple times a day, he may be guilty of this.
You will feel:
- Like you need his permission to go anywhere
- Like you have to explain yourself constantly
- Guilty for living your life
2. He Wants You All To Himself
If he wants to control where you are, who you’re with is next.
At first, he may say things that seem innocent.
“Your friends are idiots.”
“I don’t like your family.”
“I wish you spent more time with me.”
He’s probably not going to come out and say, “I want you all to myself!”
No.
Instead, he will slowly push your friends and family away.
You’ll stop hanging out with your girls as much.
You’ll talk to your family less.
You no longer have a life without him.
Isolation is a form of control.
According to the Research, keeping your significant other from their support system is one of the first steps abusers take.
It’s when he wants to cut you off from everyone else who cares about you.
Read also: How Narcissists Apologize
3. He Is Jealous Of EVERYTHING
Jealousy isn’t always bad.
It’s when he gets upset if you:
- Hang out with a guy friend
- Someone liked your picture on Instagram
- A stranger spoke to you at the grocery store
That’s when jealousy goes from cute to controlling.
It’s not jealousy at all — it’s possessiveness.
A controlling boyfriend will try to own you.
If he makes you feel like you constantly have to defend your actions for speaking to another man, he’s trying to control you.
You’ll start feeling like you can’t do anything without him weighing in.
Read also: How Narcissists Make You Look Crazy
4. He Criticizes How You Look
Another big sign of control is how he responds to your appearance.
“She wears that stuff because she wants men to look at her.”
“I hate it when my girlfriend dresses like a slut.”
Do those quotes sound familiar?
If your boyfriend sits there and judges how you dress or look, that’s not his problem — that’s yours.
He doesn’t get to decide how you dress yourself or look.
Sure, you can ask for his opinion, but don’t stand for him to outright tell you that you’re dressing inappropriately.
It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a bikini or all covered up — he can’t tell you how to look unless you ask.
5. He Makes You Feel Guilty For Doing “Little Things”
Whether it’s going out to lunch with friends or scrolling through Instagram — he finds something to complain about.
Guess what?
You don’t have to feel bad for doing things that make you happy.
If you’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid him blowing up in your face, that’s NOT love.
Little things will slowly start to eat away at you.
Until you’re scared to do anything by yourself.
Healthy relationships encourage your independence. They don’t scare you into feeling guilty every time you step away.
6. He Invades Your Privacy
Chances are if he’s picking apart your appearance, he’s also going through your phone.
If he doesn’t trust you, that’s on him.
You DO NOT have to grant him access to every privacy nook in your life.
Trust is earned. Respect is shown.
Bottom line: If he wants to check up on you because he “wants to make sure you’re being loyal,” he can kick rocks.
You’re allowed to have privacy. You don’t need to explain yourself or your whereabouts to anyone but the authorities (and maybe your mom).
Boundaries are important in relationships, and resources on emotional intelligence dive deeper into why.
7. He Yells When You Disagree With Him
Fair-weather arguments are normal.
You can disagree and still love each other.
But if he flies off the second you challenge his opinion, that’s when things can get dicey.
Do you feel like you can’t say anything without him getting angry?
Things will start to escalate if you ever feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him.
Arguments should NEVER scare you in a relationship.
If he does not respect your opinion, he does not respect you.
8. He Uses Money To Control You
Maybe he tries to prevent you from working by saying you shouldn’t waste your pretty face at a desk job.
Maybe he gets mad at how you spend your money.
Another sign he may control your finances by making you ask for money.
If you ever feel like you can’t leave because you have no money, he’s using money as a tool to control you.
Relationships should never have power plays when it comes to finances.
9. He Is Quick To Blame You
Do you ever feel like you’re constantly to blame for his mistakes?
“He would never yell at me if I wasn’t late all the time.”
“I always make him upset.”
Contrary to what he tells you: YOU ARE NOT the reason he behaves the way he does.
Sure, maybe you eat up his excuses, but he is 100% responsible for HIS actions.
Repeat after me:
I am not responsible for how he treats me.
10. You Feel Anxious Around Him
If you had to rate your anxiety on a scale of 1–10 every time you’re around him, what would it be?
If you’re anything above a 3, something is not right.
You should NEVER feel anxious in your relationships.
Whether he silently glares at you when you’re hanging out with friends or he throws a fit when you don’t text him back right away — love should make you feel calm, not anxious.
Love makes you feel safe.
If you don’t feel safe, you need to leave.
How To Deal With a Controlling Boyfriend
Okay, so you know the signs. But what can you actually do about it?
If your boyfriend is controlling, here are some tips on how to deal with him:
- Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
- Set boundaries. Tell him how far he can go and how far he can’t.
- Talk to loved ones. Sometimes you need someone else to help you see things more clearly.
- Stay independent. Always maintain your friends, your career, and YOUR life.
- Seek outside help if you need it. Therapists are there to help you during these situations.
Although nothing is set in stone, if he continues his behavior, you may need to leave him.
Conclusion
Control comes in many forms.
Sometimes, it’s obvious.
But more times than not, it starts small and creeps up on you until you can’t see past it anymore.
Your boyfriend wants to know where you are at all times.
He gets jealous over the smallest things.
He judges you on how you look.
You can’t do anything without him breathing down your neck.
If you know your boyfriend is controlling, DON’T excuse his behavior.
You don’t deserve to be with someone who tries to control your every move.
You deserve better than that.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
FAQ
What is considered controlling behavior in a relationship?
Controlling behaviors in relationships include checking your phone, controlling where you are allowed to go, isolating you from loved ones, guilt-tripping you when you make plans, trying to control your appearance, and more.
Is it love or jealousy?
Mild jealousy is normal in relationships. Excessive jealousy is another form of control.
How do you know if your partner is controlling you?
You know your partner is trying to control you if you constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them.
Why do people become controlling in relationships?
Typically, people who become controlling in relationships have deep-seated trust issues. It can also stem from past relationships they’ve been in where they experienced cheating firsthand.
Some people are naturally controlling. They don’t understand boundaries and respect.
When do you know it’s time to leave your partner?
If you’ve tried everything and he continues to disrespect your boundaries, it’s time to leave. You deserve to be with someone who will respect you for who you are.
