There was a time in my life when I couldn’t go one single day without feeling sorry for myself. Everything I thought revolved around how life was against me. When something went wrong, it “proved” that life was out to get me. Someone upset me? They must not have realized how they needed to treat me better because I’d never been treated nicely before! My thoughts would race until I was physically sick to my stomach.
I look back now and see that I draped sadness over my shoulders like a security blanket. I told myself I shouldn’t try too hard because life was going to beat me anyway. As I matured, however, I realized life hadn’t been beating me. I had been allowing myself to get beaten down by dwelling.
Doors were literally closing in my life because I wasted so much energy wallowing in pity that I couldn’t find the energy to better my situation.
Then came the day I realized nothing was going to change until I decided to change.
Change how you think. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Self-pity isn’t going to magically make your life better. It might make you feel good for five minutes because you’ve convinced yourself everyone feels this way too, but what happens when you’re alone with your thoughts? Nothing changes. If anything, your pity becomes another problem to overcome.
It took me a LONG time to kick the habit of feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t wake up one day and never feel pathetic again. I had to practice each of these steps until my brain didn’t automatically go there anymore. But a desire to change has to start somewhere. Here’s how I stopped feeling sorry for myself:
How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself – 11 Ways
1. Know When You’re Doing It
I had to start by noticing when I started feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity comes in many forms. You’re not always going to cry or verbally complain about your life. Sometimes self-pity looks like blaming everyone else for your problems, expecting the worst outcome in every situation, or being jealous of everyone else’s success.
Pay attention to the language in your head. Self-pity will speak in absolutes like always, never, and should’ve. If you find yourself thinking something like This always happens to me, you’re doing it.
“Awareness is key; you cannot change what you are not aware of.” — John Assaraf
Read also: How to Stop Being Jealous of other People’s Success
2. Accept Life Isn’t Always Going To Be Fair
Another thing self-pity likes to focus on is how unfair life is. Things aren’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows. You won’t always get rewarded when you do something good. Some people have it harder than others.
Knowing that life is unfair doesn’t mean you give up. It means you accept that life isn’t going to always go your way and stop wasting energy trying to make it fair.
Read also: 10 Peaceful Life Goals
3. Separate Your Feelings From Who You Are
When I was feeling sorry for myself, I thought my feelings defined me as a person. If I felt weak, I told myself I was weak. If I felt hopeless, that meant I was hopeless.
But feeling an emotion doesn’t make it true. We’ve all felt crappy before and still been wonderful people the next day. Remind yourself when you’re feeling low, “I feel ______ right now,” rather than “I am ______.”
Separate your emotions from your identity and remember that your feelings aren’t permanent.
4. Practice Gratitude Instead Of Blame
How often do you find yourself blaming someone or something for your troubles? Yeah, sometimes life sucks and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. But what parts of your life can you change?
If you’re like me, it can still be something. Learn a new skill to land a better job. Sit down and make a new plan. Ask someone for help. Shift your focus to what you can control, and you’ll instantly feel better.
Research shows that gratitude increases positive emotions and resilience. I started by being grateful for the small things. Not only was my life going to change, but I already had a roof over my head and food to eat. Quite a few things to feel thankful about when I started looking for them.
Read also: How to Really Enjoy Being Alone (21 ways)
5. Give Yourself a Time Limit
When I was in the throes of self-pity, I would sit and throw a pity party in my head for hours. It was like running around in circles, yelling at the top of my lungs, but never making any progress. The longer I dwelled, the worse I felt.
Try setting a time limit for your pity parties. Allow yourself ten or fifteen minutes to feel bad about something, then force yourself to think about something else. It sounds weird at first, but after a while your brain will stop going there as much.
6. Surround Yourself With Supportive People
The people I surrounded myself with when I was feeling sorry for myself weren’t bad people. But we all saw the world as a hopeless place. So we sat around and complained for hours.
Once I started being around positive people, it became easier to think positively. My friend will listen to me vent, but he always tries to find the solution. Now I try to do the same for him. We pick each other up instead of tearing each other down.
7. Move Your Body
I used to think the only way to stop feeling sorry for myself was to sit with my thoughts and figure them out. But going for a walk or even just doing some stretches can change your mindset faster than you think.
Physical activity increases endorphins, which help boost your mood. By the time I worked up enough sweat to feel tired, my angry thoughts were wiped clean.
8. Start Small
I used to sit there and think I had to fix my whole life all at once. When I started changing my mindset, I took baby steps. Do one thing each day that makes you feel better about yourself, no matter how small.
Little by little, you’ll build up a collection of good deeds that prove you are capable of changing. They become evidence that you can take action, even if you feel useless.
9. Help Others
Nothing pulls me out of my self-pity faster than helping someone else. It puts my problems in perspective and makes me realize everyone has something they’re struggling with.
You don’t have to make a big deal out of it either. Listen to your friend vent about her problems. Offer advice if someone wants you to listen. Do your coworker a favor just because. Kindness is contagious.
10. Quit Comparing Yourself to Others
I’d look at others who seemed happier or better off than me and think, Why not me? What I didn’t realize at the time was everyone has their own journey. Just because you might be struggling now doesn’t mean someone else isn’t rooting for you.
Comparing your situation to someone else’s is pointless. You’ll drive yourself crazy wondering what’s wrong with you.
11. Have Things to Look Forward To
When my life felt like it was lacking, I had no problem moping around all day. As soon as I gave myself things to look forward to (hobbies, learning new skills, personal goals), I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself.
When you’re constantly busy improving your life, you don’t have time to dwell.
Final Thoughts
Feeling sorry for yourself is only human. But when it becomes a habit, you’ll find yourself stuck in a never-ending cycle of hurt that drains your energy and hope.
Life will never go your way 100% of the time, but you don’t have to let self-pity drag you down. Accept the things you cannot change, focus on what you can control, and build a life you love living.
The moment I took responsibility for my own happiness and stopped waiting for the world to give me permission to feel better was the moment I became free. And nothing is more worth it than feeling freedom.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is feeling sorry for yourself always a bad thing?
No. Feeling sorry for yourself occasionally is a normal human response. It becomes a problem when it turns into a habit that prevents growth or action.
How long does it take to stop feeling sorry for yourself?
There’s no set timeline. It takes consistent awareness and practice, and progress often happens gradually rather than overnight.
What if I try these steps and still feel stuck?
That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It may simply mean you need more time, support, or a different approach to changing your mindset.
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