I was sitting at a coffee shop one day listening to nearby conversations when I heard one that really got to me. There was a young woman telling her friend that she felt “stuck in life.” Not broke. Lost. Stuck.
Same job. Same habits. Same emotions. Same kind of partner. Same frustrations. Different day.
What got to me wasn’t her story. Most people have something they’d like to change about their life. What got to me was that she knew she was stuck.
She knew what wasn’t working for her. But didn’t know how to do something different.
And that’s where most people fail. They don’t fail because they don’t know. They fail because they don’t show up.
Becoming the best version of yourself isn’t about “being perfect.” It’s about becoming someone that no one can ignore. Someone no one can manipulate. Someone no one can waste.
So if you let me, I’ll show you what no one tells you about improving yourself as a woman.
(If you’re inconsistent, emotional, and directionless. None of the positivity quotes in the world will help you. You need structure. You will get structure.)
How to Improve Yourself As a Woman (10 steps)
1. Stop Living Life on Autopilot and Start Owning Up
You’re not growing because you keep repeating the same patterns.
Most people live their lives reactively. They wake up late, check their phones, respond to messages, go wherever life happens to take them that day, and wonder why life doesn’t change.
Want to improve? Wake up. Literally.
You have to start paying attention to your actions like someone else is analyzing your behavior.
Ask yourself:
- Why do you keep allowing this behavior?
- Why do you keep making the same emotional mistakes?
- Why do you keep choosing men who treat you horribly?
Answer those questions and you will improve.
self-discipline: If you want to improve yourself you need self-discipline. Not motivation. Not talent. Discipline is simply showing up when you don’t want to.
If you don’t own your direction in life, life will own you. You’ll have less and less freedom until you’re serving whatever voice and agenda decides to show up for you.
Read also: 7 Ways to Stop Living on Autopilot
2. Declutter Your Life Before Fixing Your Mind
You cannot think with a distracted mind.
Your environment includes your room but also the friends you keep, the feeds you follow, the conversations you entertain, and the emotions you allow yourself to feel.
If your life is full of messy people, messy topics, and emotional drama, don’t stress yourself thinking you can just “fix your mind.”
Start by deleting.
Stop following toxic Instagram accounts.
Kick friends that drain your energy.
Stop engaging in gossip.
It doesn’t mean you should isolate yourself. But you shouldn’t feel open availability either.
Most people think improving your mind comes from reading more books and getting more information. Your environment is deciding you are lazy before you even open up your laptop.
Clean up your act. Watch how your decisions improve on their own.
Read also: How to Create a Soft Life: 8 Tips
3. Learn How to Control Your Emotions or Stay Angry
Honestly… emotional people drive me nuts.
If somebody messes with your shit you’re supposed to get angry but then what? You scream into your mom’s voice mail? You cry in your pasta?
No. You grow the f*ck up.
If you let every situation bother you, anger control every decision you make, you will always be trapped in the same emotional cycles.
You have to grow uncomfortable with being uncomfortable.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize what you’re feeling, understand where it’s coming from, and know what to do with those emotions besides reactionary bullshit.
If you don’t have your emotions under control, you’ll always be controlled by someone who does.
You are not trying to suppress emotions. You are learning to master them.
4. Have Standards That Are Actually Standards
I see ladies say they have standards all the time but their behavior tells me different.
“How high” your standards are depends on what you allow.
If you allow men to lie to you, cancel at the last minute, and treat you any type of way, your standards are crap.
Raise your standards, and you will suddenly find yourself with few men.
Here’s what to think about next time you want to lower your standards:
- Is this behavior helping me or hurting me in the long run?
- Am I allowing this because I love this person or because I’m scared to be alone?
- Would I recommend this person to my sister/friend?
If the answer is no. You know what to do.
Stop romanticizing bad behavior because your ego wants to feel loved.
Standards are how you protect your future self.
5. Master Your Focus if You Want to Improve Fast
If you don’t watch your focus, your focus will watch you.
You’re scrolling Instagram right now thinking you’re improving yourself.
Lies.
You know how your brain gets hardwired? By what you give it the most energy.
So if you’re watching TV, every commercial you see trains your brain to get lazy.
You need to start protecting your focus.
Turn your phone on do not disturb (and keep it that way until you finish your day).
Finish one task at a time.
Stop watching movies/TV just because you’re bored.
Before you watch your mind, your mind is watching you.
Fix your focus. Watch your life transform.
6. Build Your Self-Respect by Showing Up Day After Day
Respect is not something you tell people you have. You earn it by showing up day after day.
You don’t suddenly “gain” self-respect by thinking positive thoughts about yourself. You build it by showing up for yourself.
Every time you say you’re going to do something and don’t follow through, you tear down your internal trust a little bit more.
Start setting small goals that you actually finish.
Wake up at the same time every morning.
Make yourself look good even if you don’t feel good.
Finish your commitments.
Your subconscious doesn’t know why you do things. It knows what you repeat.
Stop breaking promises to yourself and others will start following through on theirs.
7. Don’t Mistake Attention For Love
Humans are funny because we use intimacy as a drug.
You become lonely. You give someone all your attention. You feel better.
But when you put all your eggs in someone else’s basket, you are destined to be disappointed.
People come and go. Pay attention to who treats you well and who doesn’t.
You deserve an equal partner who supports your best interest, not someone who “tries.”
Loving someone should make you want to improve yourself, not provide a reason to be lazy.
8. Gain Skills That Make You Self-Sufficient
Strip your life of everything that’s external. What are you left with?
For most people, not much.
Too many people base their worth on their job title, how they look, or who they date instead of actually developing self-sufficient skills that make them independent.
You need money skills.
You need communication skills.
You need problem-solving skills.
You need platform.
Why?
If you can’t support yourself no one will take you seriously.
You should not need a man to fix your life.
There is strength in knowing you can do life alone if you need to.
Gain skills that force you to become self-reliant.
9. Set Boundaries If You Ever Want Time for Yourself
If you have trouble saying no, you aren’t kind. You’re insecure.
Have you ever noticed how people who have no boundaries always seem angry, drained, and depressed?
There’s a reason.
Every time you say yes to something you don’t actually want to do, you’re saying no to yourself.
Set boundaries, learn to say no. And watch your life change.
boundaries: Boundaries are guidelines you set for other people to treat you how you expect to be treated. They are not always etched in stone but you must remain respectful of them.
Don’t go into detail about your boundaries with others. That’s nobody’s business.
The people around you will test your boundaries when you set them. It’s how they know you mean business.
Stand firm regardless.
10. Invest in Yourself Long Term, Stop Searching for “Magic Pills”
Why do most people fail at bettering themselves? Because they get bored.
You don’t evolve in a week. You evolve over thousands of small decisions you have to remain consistent with.
If you give up on your self-improvement journey every time you get bored, you’ll never reach consistency.
Condition yourself to stay.
You will not wake up one day “changed.” You will make choices no one will see but you that will spark change.
Keep showing up.
Conclusion
Don’t waste another year of your life waiting for your life to “magically get better.” Wake up and fix what you can control.
You and you alone.
Better yourself in the small ways no one else sees and everything else will fall into place.
It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
FAQ
1. How long will it take me to better myself?
It takes as long as you want it to. You’ll see results after a few months of being consistent.
2. What is the single most important thing I can do to better myself?
Be consistent. If you aren’t consistent at bettering yourself, you won’t be consistent at anything.
3. Can I better myself while being in a relationship?
Yes, but it will take you longer. Your environment has major effects on your emotional stability.
4. Why do I fall into the same patterns?
Because your brain likes comfort more than growth. You have to trick your brain with structure.
5. Should I cut everyone who I think I have weak boundaries with?
No. But you should limit those people’s access to you when you know you’re vulnerable.
6. What’s 1 thing I can do today to better myself?
Choose between sleeping more, having more discipline, or improving your focus. Master one for 7 days. No cheating.
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