My jokes weren’t landing. My sentences were stammering. I felt like every single word coming out of my mouth was awkward.
Then I realized — it wasn’t him, it was me. I wasn’t comfortable around him.
Building that kind of comfort with someone isn’t as easy as simply “relaxing.” Sure, some people you meet feel comfortable with instantly. But with most people, it takes real work to get yourself to that place of trust and letting your guard down.
If you’ve ever felt nervous or awkward around a guy or girl you’re interested in (or just a friend you want to be closer with), this article is for you. I’ll walk you through exactly how to get comfortable with someone so you can relax around them and have natural interactions that don’t feel forced.
How to Get Comfortable With Someone (10 Steps)
1. Notice When You’re Being Awkward
Let’s start with the root of most discomfort: yourself.
You’re probably not as weird or awkward as you think you are. Most of the time, it’s your internal monologue that’s causing the problem.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Why do I feel this way around them?
- Am I worried about what they think of me?
- Am I trying too hard?
Once you realize that you’re the only one making yourself nervous, it becomes much easier to settle down. Accept the fact that it’s okay to be awkward around people you don’t know super well. It doesn’t mean they’ll think you’re lame or boring.
Read also: How to Accept Compliments Without Feeling Awkward or Shy
2. Start Small
You can’t just snap your fingers one day and suddenly be best friends with someone. Building that kind of comfort takes time.
Make a conscious effort to start small conversations with them:
- Ask about their day
- Make an observation about the party or event you’re at
- Keep conversation light and simple at first
These small interactions will start to make you both feel more comfortable with each other over time. Ease into it.
Read also: 100 Conversation Starters for Neighbors
3. Listen More Than You Speak
Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel around people that actually listen to you?
- Listen closely to what they have to say
- Ask questions to keep the conversation going
- Don’t formulate your response while they’re talking
The more someone feels heard, the more comfortable they’ll feel. And when they feel comfortable… you’ll feel comfortable too. Listening also allows the conversation to have a natural flow.
4. Open Up & Share More About Yourself
You can’t expect someone to open up to you if you’re literally shutting them out.
Try throwing out some comments or stories about yourself:
- Keep it light and simple at first
- Share your thoughts on neutral topics to open up the dialogue
- Tell funny stories you’ve experienced
This will allow them to learn more about who you are. The more a person knows about you, the easier it is for them to feel comfortable around you.
5. Learn To Break The Ice With Humor
If used correctly, humor is an excellent way to immediately break the ice and settle your nerves.
- Don’t force yourself to tell jokes. Be natural and funny organically.
- Try laughing at yourself every once in awhile.
- Throw some mild teasing into the mix if the situation calls for it.
One of the best feelings in the world is shared laughter. It instantly bonds you to someone and makes you more comfortable around them.
Read also: 10 Things That Make a Guy Instantly Unattractive
6. Pay Attention To Their Body Language
Along with what they say, you can learn a lot about how comfortable they feel by reading their body language.
- Are they leaning into you or looking over your shoulder?
- Are their responses short and cold or warm and engaged?
- Do they ask questions or give one-word responses?
Try mirroring their mood and energy. If they seem shy and reserved, don’t jump all over them with questions. If they’re open and playful, match that energy. You’ll feel less pressure that way.
7. Try To Relax Around Them Outside Of “Pressure” Situations
Forcing yourself to have conversations with someone will only increase feelings of awkwardness.
Instead, try and find excuses to chill with them outside of normal conversation:
- Hang out in a group setting if one-on-one is too nerve-racking
- Find shared activities (coffee, walks, classes, sports, etc.)
- Meet up for short amounts of time to create organic conversation
The more neutral the situation, the better. You don’t want to associate them with anxiety and nerves.
8. Admit You’re Nervous (If You Have To)
This might sound crazy, but simply admitting your awkwardness out loud can help you overcome it.
“I’m kind of nervous. First impressions are weird.”
“I feel like I’m rambling right now…”
Really. Just say it out loud. A lot of times your brain feels a lot worse about something than it actually is. By admitting it, you may instantly feel better and loosen up. They’ll think you’re awkward? So what. At least you’re honest and vulnerable. Hint: people love that.
9. Set Your Own Boundaries
Getting comfortable with someone doesn’t mean you should tolerate disrespect from them.
Know your limits:
- Physical boundaries
- Emotional boundaries
- Conversation boundaries
If they say or do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, speak up. You can still care about someone and set boundaries. You should never compromise your comfort for anyone.
10. Be Patient & Know It Takes Time
You know that saying about how things worth waiting for are worth it? Fake comfort isn’t.
Allow yourself time to get comfortable with them. A lot of people don’t realize how powerful repetition is.
The more you see someone or force yourself to have conversations with them, the easier it becomes. The nervous feelings don’t go away overnight, but if you’re consistent and patient, you’ll get there.
Don’t overthink trying to figure out how to get comfortable with someone. It’s really not that hard once you break it down:
- Become aware of your own anxiety
- Learn to read theirs
- Take time to open up and show them who you are
- Let time do its thing
Once you learn to do these 10 things, awkwardness doesn’t stand a chance. You can build genuine connections with people that feel comfortable and natural.
And that’s what being comfortable around someone is really about: authenticity.
FAQ
Q: How long will it take before I feel comfortable around them?
Honestly? It depends on the person. Some people you meet, you instantly click with. Others will take weeks or months of continuously talking to before you feel “there.” Just be patient.
Q: What if I do all of this and I’m STILL awkward around them?
Awkwardness is normal. Continue taking small steps by engaging in small talk, listening more, and opening up a little more each time. Nerves usually don’t go away until you’ve had multiple interactions.
Q: Can I “over-use” humor?
Yes. Only tell jokes when it feels natural to do so. You’ll know if they’re digging your jokes by their reaction.
Q: How will I know when I’m comfortable around them?
Congratulations, you’ve made it! You’ll know because you’re naturally laughing at the things they say, your body language is relaxed, and speaking feels easy.
Q: Should I walk away if I’m too nervous?
Of course! Taking a break can help you reset so the next time you talk to them, it doesn’t feel as awkward.
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