I was sitting at home one day watching a couple have what looked like a small argument. One person made what seemed like a harmless complaint about something their partner did.
Ten minutes later, they were yelling at each other. Childhood issues resurfaced. Things were said that could never be taken back.
How they began the argument bothered me much more than the argument itself.
See, arguments in relationships don’t start because of issues. They start because of how those issues are brought up.
Raise something insignificant the wrong way, and you’ll wreck your relationship.
Raise something important the right way, and you can save it.
If you struggle with saying what’s on your mind without starting World War III, then you NEED to read this.
Here are 10 steps to Bring Up Issues in a Relationship
1. Identify Your Real Concern
Before you even say anything to your partner, take care of your homework.
I can’t tell you how many times people come to me complaining about shallow issues when there’s an obvious problem underneath.
- They say, “You don’t text me enough.”
- But the real issue is, “I feel like you don’t care about me.”
If you can’t identify how you feel, you won’t communicate how you feel. Plain and simple.
Take a minute to think about what you want to say, then ask yourself…
- “What am I really trying to say?”
- “What does this matter to me?”
Awareness of your emotions is crucial. You don’t want to just sound like a complainer.
2. Avoid Pressure
Timing is everything when it comes to serious conversations.
DON’T bring something up when:
- They’re already stressed
- They’re busy
- You’re both already annoyed with each other
You might think that just quickly letting them know will ease up the conversation. WRONG.
It starts a fight.
Wait until you BOTH have free time and are in a good mood to talk.
Even if you just say:
- “Hey babe, can I talk to you about something?”
That shows that you respect them and their time, which will increase the odds for a peaceful conversation.
Read also: 12 Long Distance Relationship Psychology Tips
3. Lead with Love
If you come into the conversation with a harsh tone, it’s already over.
Don’t say:
- “You NEVER listen to me.”
- “You always leave your stuff everywhere!”
Instead, say:
- “Hey hon, I’ve noticed that…”
Leading with accusations automatically puts your partner on defense.
Psychologists call this a soft startup. It’s the foundation of successful communication.
Start off the conversation by simply stating your concerns, without bashing your partner. Sound easy? It is!
Read also: 13 Ways to Value Yourself in a Relationship
4. Speak From Your Feelings
This goes hand in hand with number 3.
Tons of people will say:
- “You make me feel…”
DON’T SAY THAT!
You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!
Say things like:
- “I feel upset when this happens…”
- “I feel unheard when you do this…”
This isn’t being hurtful or nagging. This is called having healthy communication skills.
Once you start blaming your partner for how you feel, they’ll stop listening and start arguing.
5. Speak With Detail
If you’re complaining about something vague, nothing will get resolved.
You can’t say:
- “You don’t care…”
Instead, be specific:
- “When you cancel our plans, I feel…”
Clingy? Maybe. But specific details lead to productive conversation.
Using broad, general statements only leads to your partner not knowing how to react.
6. Speak About One Issue at a Time
Stop the crap train before it leaves the station.
Here’s how a bad conversation usually goes:
Person A says something that bothers them.
Person B listens half-heartedly, then hits Person A with:
- “Oh, and another thing…”
- “Why do you always do that?!”
- “YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD!”
You get the point.
By bringing up every little thing that bugs you, your partner will feel overwhelmed and hopeless.
Stick to ONE issue at a time. If you have more than one, focus on the most important.
7. Listen to Their Side
Active listening is probably the biggest problem with conversations.
Most people don’t listen. They just wait for the other person to stop talking so they can speak.
If you want the issue to be solved, you have to listen to their side as well.
That means:
- Allowing them to speak without interruptions
- Trying to understand where they’re coming from
- Asking questions
Like I said earlier, maybe the problem you’re trying to address isn’t the REAL problem.
8. Mind Your Tone
Ever heard someone say something, but how they said it completely ruined the message?
That’s because communication isn’t just about words.
It’s about energy.
If you say something important to your partner in a respectful tone, they’ll hear you.
If you roll your eyes, say it with a sarcastic tone, or carry anger in your facial expressions, they won’t listen to what you have to say. They’ll only focus on how you’re saying it.
9. Seek Solutions, Not Just Arguments
Nothing good comes from sitting there and complaining about your partner.
- “You do this…”
Instead, focus on what you CAN control, like how you FEEL about it and what you CAN do to change it.
- “I wish we could figure something out about this…”
Statements like these promote problem-solving versus just laying down blame.
That’s how you learn to fix conflicts without constantly repeating the same arguments over and over.
10. Know That You Can’t Control Everything
I get it, you try. You try your hardest to control the situation.
Say things perfectly. Listen carefully. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
But then… WHAM! They say something that completely ruins everything you just said.
Does this happen to you?
It happens to EVERYONE.
Despite you doing everything you can, they still manage to turn what could have been a peaceful conversation into a full-fledged fight.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s just how life works sometimes.
If you take anything away from this article, let it be this…
Just because one conversation doesn’t go your way DOES NOT mean you’re doing it wrong.
If you did everything in your power to make the situation as peaceful as possible, you did your job.
Conclusion
Asking your partner for what you want in a relationship is not the problem.
Allowing small issues to turn into anxiety-ridden monsters is.
If you struggle with opening up to your partner about things that bother you, DON’T let that be your relationship’s downfall.
There is a happy medium between passive and aggressive.
Be firm with what you want, but respectful when you say it.
You’ll be surprised at how far those two things can go.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it bad to bring up issues in a relationship?
It’s necessary if you want to improve your relationship. Unspoken problems lead to built-up resentment. And resentment kills relationships.
What if my partner gets defensive every time I bring up something?
Make sure you’re not attacking them first. If you are calm and your partner is still defensive, then that is something THEY need to work on.
How do I bring up tough subjects without hurting my partner?
With love. Use a calm tone, speak from your feelings, and don’t attack them. Remember: You’re trying to solve a problem, not tear them down.
Should I wait a few hours before bringing something up, or say it right away?
If you’re angry or uncomfortable about something, wait until you calm down before you say anything. However, don’t leave things bottled up for too long.
What if I try all these tips and my partner still doesn’t change?
Then you might have a loyalty problem on your hands.
You cannot control how your partner chooses to react. But you CAN control if YOU will continue to allow them to repeat the same disrespectful behavior.
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