How Narcissists Apologize

This was the first time someone actually apologized to me in what felt like a sincere way. Someone who I later discovered was a narcissist.

It was beautifully worded, complimentary, and calming. For a brief moment, I felt like everything was okay.

Until…it never was. The same cycles repeated themselves. Same narcissistic habits reared their ugly heads. And that apology I thought was going to save us all suddenly felt like a fairytale.

Which is why I found myself wondering: Do narcissists actually know how to apologize? Or if they do, what does that even mean?

You’ll start to notice their apologies aren’t healthy or genuine after a while. More times than not, they’ll include manipulation, hidden motives, and even blaming you.

Once you know what to look for, you can better protect yourself and your emotional well-being from falling into that toxic cycle again.

Here are 10 types of apologies every narcissist uses. None of them will be the meaningful “mea culpa” you might be hoping to hear. Instead, these apologies come with conditionals and ulterior motives that only serve them.

Take note of these examples to help understand why you may have been so confused after hearing your narcissist say “sorry.”

1. Dodging Responsibility (The “I-Question” Version)

This is the most watered-down version of a narcissistic apology. Some may actually say, “I’m sorry,” but there is no ownership in their apology.

Healthy apologies include an acknowledgment of what they did wrong and a promise to do better in the future.

A narcissist will simply say whatever to calm you down or end the argument. It’ll be spoken quietly, with no intention of revisiting the issue.

Read: How Narcissists Make You Look Crazy

2. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way.”

Ah yes, this is a classic passive-aggressive apology if I’ve ever heard one.

At first glance, it sounds innocent enough. But when you really break it down, they’re redirecting the focus onto you and how you feel rather than what they did.

So instead of saying, “I was wrong and I apologize,” they say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

It insinuates that you are overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. Neat trick, huh?

Read: 15 Essential Steps to Start Your Healing Journey

3. Making You Feel Like It’s Your Fault (“If” Statement)

Using the word “if” is another subtle way of narcissists trying to blame you for everything.

“I’m sorry that you were hurt,” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood.”

See how they question whether you were actually hurt or not? Whether it’s true or not “according to them.”

It’s all about how you reacted to the situation. Somehow, they didn’t do anything wrong… it was your reaction that was wrong.

Read: 20 Things You Should Do on a Bad Day

4. Blah blah forgive me I said.

The minute you snap at a narcissist about something they’ve done, you can expect them to apologize seconds later.

It seems promising, right? Wrong. They just want you to let it go so they don’t have to deal with the problem.

Allowing themselves to say “I’m sorry” is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken arm. They want everything to go back to how it was before you snapped, and accountability = hard conversations. Yuck.

5. Sorry But I Need Something from You.

Translation: If you forgive me/I love you/I give you this present, then I’ll apologize.

They know exactly what they’re doing with this tactic. Sorry = manipulation.

6. Sorry, excuse me I take that back.

This apology is when they throw in a little explanation to justify what they did in the same sentence.

“I’m sorry, but you know I’ve been so busy with work.” “I’m sorry, but you started it!”

Did you catch the but?! B-U-T. As soon as they say that word, they instantly take the apology back. Instead of apologizing, they make you feel guilty about what you just said to them.

7. I Don’t Have to Say Sorry, Look at These Gifts!

Instead of verbalizing their apology, some narcissists like to show you how sorry they are.

Whether it be through gift-buying or grandiose gestures after they know they screwed up.

It may seem sweet at the moment, but what they’re really doing is trying their hardest to avoid having a real conversation with you about what happened.

Words mean nothing if they’re not followed up with action. Will they change their ways? Nope.

8. Oh Really? Watch Me Apologize to You Right Now.

This apology may leave you more confused than you were before.

You just called them out on something they did wrong, yet they counterattack by bringing up mistakes you’ve made in the past OR saying that you hurt them too.

Now you’re the one apologizing! Diverting blame = guilt-tripping = control.

9. Watch Me Cry Myself to Sleep Tonight.

You’ll occasionally get the over-dramatic apology.

“I am the worst person in the world and you deserve someone else.” “I’ll never be good enough for you.”

BIG apology = guilt. You start questioning if you blew things out of proportion or if you should just forgive them to make them feel better.

It works. At least until they do it again.

10. Well I’m Not Apologizing So THERE.

Now this one is silence of all apologies.

Either they’ll pretend like you said nothing at all or they’ll simply tell you to “get over it.”

Out of all of these apologies, this one will really hurt your feelings. Because at this point you’re questioning your own sanity.

Why Does This Matter

When you can recognize these apologies for what they are, you can save your mind from overanalyzing what you “should” hear in the perfect apology.

Plus, you won’t find yourself constantly questioning if your partner is or isn’t a narcissist based on how they apologize.

You create healthy boundaries for yourself and know that a relationship cannot function without proper accountability.

Studies have shown that the ability to apologize comes from people who are emotionally sensitive and empathetic—two characteristics that most narcissists lack.

So the next time you hear your narcissist apologize and wonder why you still feel hurt after hearing them say, “I’m sorry,” you’ll know why.

But most importantly, an apology is only as sincere as the person that backs it up with action.

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