The first time someone told me about the “normal” arguments they had with their partner, I listened intently.
“He always nags about the little things,” my friend said. “But that’s just how he is.”
She shrugged. I almost shook her.
Asking your partner to walk on eggshells day in and day out isn’t normal. Feeling guilty for wanting to spend time alone isn’t fine. Constantly apologizing just to keep the peace isn’t okay.
Yet, my friend (and so many others) categorized these problematic behaviors as “normal couple things.”
Here’s the thing.
If you’ve ever struggled to differentiate between unhealthy behaviors disguised as love, you’re not alone. But there is a difference.
Toxic behaviors are often normalized in relationships because they’re subtle at first. But the reality is they’re not normal at all. Not even close.
Which is exactly why I created this list.
Below, I’m going to walk you through 8 toxic relationship habits most people think are normal. Plus, I’ll show you how to deal with them (if they happen in your relationship).
8 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
1. Walking on Eggshells to Avoid Conflict
Feeling like you can’t say what’s on your mind without starting a fight? You’re not alone. But that doesn’t make it healthy.
Oftentimes, people think it’s normal to “pick your battles” or “keep the peace.”
But if you find yourself anxiously monitoring your words around your partner to avoid conflict, that’s a red flag.
Toxic traits may include:
- Your partner blowing small disagreements out of proportion
- Yelling, criticizing, or shaming you when you share your opinion
- Guilt-tripping you for speaking your mind
A partner who cares about your emotional wellbeing will accept you even when you disagree with them. According to the American Psychological Association, you should feel comfortable expressing yourself around your partner.
If you’re censoring what you say because you’re afraid of how your partner will react, it’s time to take a step back and look at the bigger pattern.
Read also: True Love vs Fake Love: 5 Ways to Tell the Difference
2. Constant Criticism Passing as “Constructive Advice”
You hear things like this:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re wrong.”
- “If you would just _____ you wouldn’t have this problem.”
At first, hearing this stuff may not seem like a big deal. Hell, it even sounds helpful — who doesn’t want their partner to help them be the best version of themselves?
But if your partner constantly criticizes you for everything under the sun, it’s toxic.
This behavior will:
- Chip away at your self-esteem
- Make you question every decision you make
- Condition you to believe your partner always knows better
Want proof? Healthy partners can offer constructive feedback without making you feel stupid or inadequate. Fighting happens in healthy relationships, too. The difference is how you both feel after the argument.
Read also: 31 Habits of People Who Are Always Happy
3. Blaming You for Their Mistakes
Some partners think it’s normal to blame their significant other for every little thing.
You might hear things like:
- “If you hadn’t made me late, I wouldn’t be so mad.”
- “This wouldn’t’ve happened if you just ____.”
- “You make me act this way.”
Don’t let them. Because here’s the truth.
A toxic partner will blame you to avoid responsibility. And the longer you accept it, the more you’ll start believing that you are actually the problem.
Yes, even when you’re not.
Healthy partners take accountability for their mistakes. Period. If yours doesn’t, pointing out this harmful habit is the first step to interrupting it.
4. Gaslighting You Into Questioning Your Sanity
Question your partner’s love? Sure.
But when do they question your sanity? That’s gaslighting — and it’s not normal.
Examples of gaslighting include:
- “That didn’t happen. You’re imagining things.”
- “You would never let that bother you.”
- “I never said that.”
Gaslighting is a common form of psychological abuse in relationships. And many people think it’s normal because the behavior is manipulated to seem harmless at first.
The goal? Make you question everything you think and feel about your relationship.
If you’ve ever caught yourself questioning your feelings or sanity because of what your partner tells you, don’t ignore it. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting can seriously affect your mental and emotional wellbeing if it continues over time.
Read also: How Narcissists Make You Look Crazy
5. Making You Feel Like You Can’t Live Without Them
Asking how your partner’s day was or spending time together are normal things to do in a relationship.
But watching every Netflix binge session with them? Constantly feeling down if you don’t talk every hour? Having no friends outside of your partner?
This might be code for unhealthy.
Some signs of unhealthy dependency include:
- Spending almost all of your free time with your partner
- Feeling nervous or lonely when you’re apart
- Criticism for spending time with friends or doing activities without your partner
Healthy partners want you to have your own lives outside of the relationship. So if you feel like you can’t breathe without your person by your side, it may be time to evaluate how you feel when you are spending time apart.
6. Giving You the Silent Treatment When You Make Them Angry
Think it’s normal for your partner to give you the silent treatment?
Many people do. But bottling up their emotions and refusing to speak to you is abusive.
What does this harmful behavior look like?
- Punishing you by refusing to talk
- Expecting you to ask them why they’re mad
- Withholding affection to “teach you a lesson”
Put simply: communication is healthy; silent treatments are not. If your partner is giving you the cold shoulder today because of something that happened yesterday, speak up.
Airing your grievances and then discussing them together is what healthy couples do. Normalizing emotional manipulation is not.
7. Extreme Jealousy Wrapped in “Love”
Jealousy isn’t inherently bad. But when your partner criticizes your friendships, interrogates you about your day, or throws a fit when you talk to someone of the opposite sex — yeah, that’s not okay.
If you’re worried your love-bird habit may be bordering on toxic, ask yourself these questions:
- Does your partner monitor your whereabouts?
- Do they hate when you spend time with friends or go on solo outings?
- Have they ever destroyed your phone, bag, or “got upset” in attempts to control you?
Jealousy in relationships is normal. Manipulation is not. For more on keeping the green-eyed monster at bay, check out this article on building emotional intelligence in relationships.
8. Guilt-Tripping You Whenever You Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is normal and healthy. However, some partners will make you feel terrible for expecting them to respect your wants and needs.
If your partner:
- Says you’re too controlling
- Makes you feel guilty for not wanting to hang out every day
- Insists they know what you want before you can voice your opinion
They’re abusive. Plain and simple.
You’re allowed to voice your opinion and set limits with your partner. Regardless of how they respond.
How to Deal With These Normal but Toxic Habits
Now that you know the difference between toxic behaviors and normal couple fights, you may be wondering what to do if your partner displays these harmful behaviors.
Here’s my advice:
- Name the behavior. Knowing the difference between what’s normal and not will empower you to identify harmful patterns.
- Establish healthy boundaries. Tell your partner what you will and won’t accept. And if they can’t respect your boundaries, slap on a pair of big girl panties and walk away.
- Talk to people you trust. Sometimes we need outside perspective to really understand if what we’re dealing with is normal or not. If you need someone to bounce thoughts off of, call up your mom, BFF, or favorite therapist.
- Remember you have a life outside of your relationship. Continue doing you! That means maintaining hobbies, friendships, and social outings that have nothing to do with your partner.
- Seek professional help if you need it. Not sure if what you’re dealing with is normal? A counselor or therapist can help you work through your relationship doubts.
And if none of the above works? Know that it’s okay to walk away from a relationship if your partner refuses to listen or change their behavior.
You’re worth more than toxic habits that pretend to be normal.
Final Thoughts
Trust me — I get it. I know how hard it can be to decipher normal relationship quirks from toxic behaviors.
But the reality is, toxic behaviors often come disguised as “normal relationship problems.” They’re insidious and slowly chip away at your confidence, independence, and self-esteem.
So if you catch yourself apologizing for everything you do, feeling anxious when you see your partner upset, or constantly walking on eggshells around them… listen closely.
These types of relationship habits aren’t cute, they’re toxic.
Normal relationships are healthy. They don’t make you feel scared or anxious to be your true self around your partner.
You deserve to be loved by someone who adores you for who you are — flaws, vices, and all. Shedding light on these toxic behaviors now can save you from heartache (and gray hairs) down the road.
FAQ
What are some signs of a toxic relationship?
While every relationship is different, some common signs include feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, constant criticism, blame, gaslighting, emotional (or physical) dependence, silent treatment, and extreme jealousy or possessiveness.
Can a toxic relationship turn healthy?
Sure. But both partners have to want to improve the relationship AND take steps to make positive changes (e.g., counseling).
How do I know if my partner is trying to control me?
Look for behaviors like monitoring your whereabouts, restricting your friendships/family time, and guilt-tripping you whenever you make choices they don’t like.
Is arguing in a relationship normal?
Arguments are normal. But acting fearful, anxious, or guilty when you fight isn’t.
What should I do if I’m in a toxic relationship?
Try naming the behavior, setting boundaries, and talking to someone you trust. If those things don’t help, or your partner gets defensive when you try to establish boundaries, it may be time to consider stepping back from the relationship to take care of YOU.
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