For years I hustled through life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. The problem was that I didn’t accept myself. I never felt comfortable in my skin. It wasn’t until I realized that I had to make a change. Instead of telling myself how I could change, I started telling myself how I could see. Here’s how I began learning to accept myself:
Self acceptance means you accept yourself exactly as you are. You don’t deny your flaws and mistakes. But you also don’t use them as reasons to hate who you are. Once you accept yourself, you’re no longer at war with yourself. You can finally relax in your own skin.
5 Tips to Help You Accept Yourself
1. Hear – AND Challenge – Your Inner Critic
Awareness is key. The first step is recognizing that you have an inner voice telling you all the things you’re not enough. This inner critic can be harsh and powerful. You hear it when you screw up, feel inferior, or try something new.
Once you realize this voice is there, learn how to question it. When negative thoughts pop into your head (“you’re always messing up”), acknowledge the thought. Then ask yourself: Is that literally true? Or is my insecure mind reacting to a mistake?
Eventually you’ll start realizing this inner critic is wrong much of the time. In fact, your inner critic just repeats learned patterns of thinking. It often says things out of fear and insecurity. When you question it, you can differentiate between your real self and the untrue thoughts swirling around in your mind.
For a full explanation on how our brain creates these patterns, check out the APA definition of cognitive distortions.
Read also: How to Silence Your Inner Critic
2. Treat Yourself With Kindness When You Fall Short
When life is going good, it’s easy to like yourself. But self-acceptance means having self-respect even when you fuck up, make poor decisions, or life hands you a big fat loss.
To practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the way you would console your best friend. If your friend did something stupid, you wouldn’t scream at him or her for being weak. You’d bring them dinner and say, “It’s OK. Everyone screws up.”
Screw ups are inevitable. When you notice yourself falling down, pause and tell yourself something nice. Even if it feels silly at first, practice saying: It’s OK to be wrong. We all make mistakes. This is how we learn and grow.
Doing this over and over will rewire your mind to love yourself when things go awry. The more you practice being a friend to yourself, the easier it is to relax in your own skin.
For a more in depth look into self-compassion, check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s research.
Read also: 50 Random Acts of Kindness to Spread Happiness
3. Accept ALL of Who You Are, Including the Parts You Don’t Like
It feels good to admit that you’re smart, talented, musical, or kind. But what happens when you have to stare at the parts of you that you don’t like? Say, for example, that you’re insecure, unpopular, or anxious?
All too often we reject ourselves when we identify qualities in ourselves that we don’t like. But self acceptance means accepting all of who you are. It doesn’t mean you have to like every part of you (some parts of you are gross!). But it does mean you can acknowledge those parts without condemning yourself.
You could even say to yourself: “Yes, I am anxious. But that doesn’t make me any less loved or worthy of respect.”
When you accept all of who you are, your feelings about yourself will stabilize. You won’t feel on top of the world one moment and never good enough the next. You simply feel secure in who you are, whether the “good” or “bad” you is shining through.
Read: How to Accept Compliments Without Feeling Awkward or Shy
4. Stop the Comparison Game
Comparison is another enemy of self-esteem. You look at someone else and see where you’re falling short. Maybe they’re further along in their career. Or they have more money or a better body. Before you know it, your sense of self-worth is gone.
The trick is that there is no fair comparison. You can’t look at someone else and measure your lives. Not because you’re worth more than they are, but because no two people have the same path. Everyone starts and ends at different places, given wildly different circumstances.
When you notice yourself comparing your life to others, redirect the thoughts inward. How could I have been feeling a year ago? What have I accomplished since then? By keeping your focus on your own journey, you won’t get derailed by others.
Also remember this: Most people—especially on social media—only showcase the good parts of their lives. What you see is not their reality. For a more in depth explanation, read research on positivity-biased images on social media.
5. Live a Life of Integrity By Sticking to Your Values
One of the best exercises for self acceptance is living your life by your values. Every time you make a choice based on what other people will think of you, you’re one step away from yourself.
But the moment you choose based on your core values, you feel stronger. You feel more confident because you know you’re living with integrity. You don’t have to seek out as much approval from others because you like yourself.
How do you start living by your values? Spend some time thinking about what you truly value in life. Maybe you value kindness. Or joy. Or telling the truth. Next time you’re faced with a choice, ask yourself which option lines up with those values. Even small choices reinforce your integrity.
Practicing Self Acceptance
Accepting yourself is a choice you make every day. Especially on the days you suck at it. There will be days when you feel uncomfortable in your skin and want to change. That’s OK! We all have those days.
What’s important is that you continue coming back to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Show up for yourself with love and kindness. The more you practice accepting yourself, the less you’ll feel like running away from who you are.
And when you stop running from yourself, you open up. You finally allow yourself to relax in your skin, without fear or judgements. You start to realize that you are enough. Just as you are.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is self acceptance?
Self acceptance means you accept yourself exactly as you are. You don’t deny your flaws and mistakes, but you also don’t use them as reasons to hate who you are.
Why is my inner critic so loud?
Your inner critic can repeat learned patterns of thinking and often speaks out of fear and insecurity.
Do I have to like every part of myself to accept myself?
No. Self acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like every part of you, but you can acknowledge the parts you don’t like without condemning yourself.
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
When you notice yourself comparing your life to others, redirect the thoughts inward and focus on your own journey and what you’ve accomplished.
What does it mean to live with integrity?
Living with integrity means making choices based on your core values instead of what other people will think of you.
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